I give some thought to the meaning of self-awareness after a discussion with a friend.

If you’ve been following this blog, you know that I ended my big Great Loop boat trip three weeks early because of a personality conflict with the other crew member. You can read about the trip on the blog I created for all of my Great Loop endeavors; this post gives you a list in date order of each daily blog post from the trip. If you don’t feel like reading a ton, read the posts for Day 34 and Day 35, which sum up the situation once it came to a head. (I won’t go into a lot of detail about the actual problem here since that’s not the purpose of this post.)

Sharing the Problem

In general, I wrote very little in the blog about the problem as it was developing. I didn’t want to sound to readers like a whiner. I wanted the blog to be a useful tool for others contemplating their own trip on the Great Loop. I wanted to provide valuable information about navigation, stops, and facilities along the way. I wanted to share data that might be useful in trip planning — and to remind me what we did right, what we did wrong, and what I might want to do on my own journey.

But I did write quite a bit about the problem in texts to friends as it was happening. And one of those text conversations stuck in my mind because of something my friend said. He used the phrase self-awareness and I realized that I’d never really given that concept much thought. So on Wednesday afternoon, when I realized I wasn’t going to get any more real work done in my garage, I dug through my messages and found the conversation. I’ve shared it here so you can see the discussion in context.

(Do I care if the problem crew member reads this? Not one damn bit. The way I see it, it could help her learn something about herself to make her less of a problem in the future. But I seriously doubt she’s able to take any criticism at all. She’s more likely to throw a tantrum when she reads this than objectively consider anything I’ve written.)

What I find amazing here is how early on the problem with the other crew member manifested itself. I joined the crew on August 10 and by the end of the next day I was already griping a bit about the woman I had to share a very small space with. Nine days later, I had recognized that I had a real problem on my hands and even mentioned the possibility of dropping out. I proceeded to list a few things that were bothering me then — the list got longer as time went on, but I don’t need to discuss that here — and that’s when my friend replied, “Some of us are more self aware than others.”

And that got me thinking about self-awareness.

Self-Awareness, Defined

My first (admittedly paranoid) thought after reading his comment was, is he also talking about me?

I can be quite the gabber. I think that’s because I live alone, work from home, and have few opportunities to converse with others. I also think a lot about all kinds of things. There’s a lot of crap that accumulates in my head and when I get with someone who might be the least bit interested, a lot of it comes out. I had already talked this friend’s ear off about some of the weird stuff that happened during my crazy divorce and although I’d gotten all of that off my chest, I know I still tended to talk a lot when we were together. I was working on it, though, and making some headway.

Yet here I was, ironically complaining about someone who “never shuts the fuck up.” Was he hinting that I lacked self-awareness?

To answer that question, I needed to better understand what self-awareness was. I worked my Google skills and came up with a bunch of results from what I believe are reputable sources.

An article on the Positive Psychology website titled “What Is Self-Awareness and Why Is It Important? [+5 Ways to Increase It]” wins the award for the simplest definition:

Self-awareness is the ability to see yourself clearly and objectively through reflection and introspection.

While it may not be possible to attain total objectivity about oneself (that’s a debate that has continued to rage throughout the history of philosophy), there are certainly degrees of self-awareness. It exists on a spectrum.

This is what my friend was saying. “Some of us are more self aware than others.” It’s a spectrum. We should all have some level of self-awareness, but some have a higher level than others. I believe he was suggesting that she (or I?) ranked low on the spectrum.

The article then goes on to discuss self awareness theory:

Self-awareness theory is based on the idea that you are not your thoughts, but the entity observing your thoughts; you are the thinker, separate and apart from your thoughts (Duval & Wicklund, 1972).

We can go about our day without giving our inner self any extra thought, merely thinking and feeling and acting as we will; however, we also can focus our attention on that inner self, an ability that Duval and Wicklund (1972) termed “self-evaluation.”

When we engage in self-evaluation, we can give some thought to whether we are thinking and feeling and acting as we “should” or following our standards and values. This is referred to as comparing against our standards of correctness. We do this daily, using these standards as a way to judge the rightness of our thoughts and behaviors.

Using these standards is a major component of practicing self-control, as we evaluate and determine whether we are making the right choices to achieve our goals.

The article contains a lot more and I highly recommend it if you’re interested in this area of psychology, whether it’s to understand yourself or others better.

In my situation, I don’t think the crew member I had problems with did any sort of self-evaluation. I’m not even sure whether she was aware of her own standards and values. I honestly don’t think she gave much of that any consideration at all. I believe that she used the same methods of communication with us that she used with everyone else and flat-out failed to see how she was often being rude or a nuisance. She came across as selfish and immature. I don’t think either of those traits are compatible with self-awareness.

As for myself, I am aware that I run off at the mouth a lot and that I can annoy some people. I have theories on why I annoy some people and those theories vary with the person. (I think what tends to annoy a lot of women is that I’m not a typical woman, I have very little in common with women (I have no kids or grandkids and did not have a traditional married life), I know a lot things that are beyond their realm of experience, and I share a lot of interests with men. I honestly believe some women feel threatened by that.) I think that bothering to develop theories at all is a part of being self-aware or performing self-evaluation.

But the one thing I try hard to do — really! — is change my behavior when I’m dealing with someone who obviously doesn’t like me. I try to be aware of how my interactions with others are seen by others. Whether I succeed or fail miserably is the big question.

One thing I don’t do: let other people dominate me. (I think that bothers women, too, since so many of them are so accustomed to playing second fiddle to someone else. And yes, I’m putting that kindly.)

Do I actively engage in self-evaluation on a regular basis? I don’t think so. But I think I should.

After all, how can we understand other people if we don’t understand ourselves?

Other Resources

Of course, I found and read more than just one article on the topic. Here are two more that you might find interesting.

An article in the Harvard Business Review titled “What Self-Awareness Really Is (and How to Cultivate It)” approaches the topic, as you might imagine, from the business and productivity point of view. The summary states:

Although most people believe that they are self-aware, true self-awareness is a rare quality. In this piece, the author describes a recent large-scale investigation that shed light on some of the biggest roadblocks, myths, and truths about what self-awareness really is — and what it takes to cultivate it. Specifically, the study found that there are actually two distinct types of self-awareness, that experience and power can hinder self-awareness, and that introspection doesn’t always make you more self-aware. Understanding these key points can help leaders learn to see themselves more clearly.

The article goes into a lot of detail about the study and its results. Along the way, it presents a 2 x 2 grid identifying “Four Self-Awareness Archetypes” and how each affects things like leadership, success, and relationships. I won’t reproduce it here. Go check out the article for yourself.

Another article, on the NBC News site, is titled “What is self-awareness? And how can you cultivate it?.” It talks about recognizing and managing emotions. It quotes psychologist John Duffy:

In effect, self-awareness is the recognition of one’s own emotional state at any given point in time. The argument suggests that we are, far too often, wholly unaware of the emotional state we are currently in, and the degree to which that state influences our behavior and thought process. To the degree that we can manage our emotional states, we are better able to manage these other elements of our lives as well.

This is yet another way to look at this topic. I think it hearkens back to the concept of self-evaluation discussed above. How can you be aware of your emotional state if you’re not constantly evaluating yourself? Maybe we all need to just count to ten and think periodically thoughout the day, especially when we might feel as if our emotions are controlling our words and actions.

Me?

I came to the conclusion that my friend was not commenting on me and maybe not even the bothersome crew member. I believe he was making a general statement that applies to all of us.

But it got me thinking — and realizing how important the trait of self-awareness and the act of self-evaluation are in becoming a well-rounded person.