Tag Archives: dating

What’s Keeping Me Off My Blog

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Someone special.

Well, it’s been nearly a month since my last blog post — the longest gap between blog posts since I started blogging back in 2003. Why the delay? Well, I’ve found something else to take up my time. Or perhaps I should say someone else.

Maria and Kirk
I danced barefoot with my new sweetie at the Ohme Gardens Wine Gala last week. My friend Kriss shot this photo of us.

Yes, it’s true. After three years of being single, with occasional time-wasting dates that really made me happy to be single, I began a serious relationship with someone I’ve known for about a year. His name is Kirk, he’s retired (early), and he lives on a 15-acre orchard/farm in nearby Peshastin. I ran into him at a Meetup event the Thursday before my birthday at the end of June, he invited me on a double date for dinner and dancing in Leavenworth the next evening, and things progressed rather quickly from there. He treated me to the best birthday I’ve had in more years than I like to admit — pardon me if I leave out the details. We now spend quite a bit of time together doing the kinds of things we both like to do: hiking, dancing, eating out, picking blueberries, cooking, flying, exploring swimming holes, you name it.

And yeah, that, too. I’ve done more of that in the past month than I had in the last three years of my marriage.

Kirk is smart, upbeat, and friendly. He’ll start a conversation with anyone and learn interesting things along the way. He’s confident and comfortable in his own skin. He knows how to make me feel good about myself and never belittles me or tries to embarrass me in front of friends. He obviously doesn’t feel threatened by either my intelligence or success. There doesn’t seem to be a mean bone in his body.

He doesn’t have any previous relationship baggage and isn’t a slave to a job or tied to high-maintenance offspring or parents. He says Yes far more often than No. He’s willing to try anything once and then do it again if he likes it. Better yet, he actually suggests fun things to do so I don’t have to.

He makes me happy. Very happy.

And he keeps me busy. So busy that I simply don’t have time to blog.

So if you don’t mind, I’ll need to cut things short here. He’s on his way for dinner tonight. I’ll grill up some chicken tenders and he’ll cook green beans from his garden. I’m hoping he’ll bring some rhubarb, too — I’m thinking of strawberry rhubarb topping on vanilla ice cream for dessert. Wine on the deck for sunset. Later, when it gets dark, we’ll take out the telescope and explore the heavens.

Still later, we’ll likely do some other things that I won’t detail here.

I’ll get back to blogging regularly one of these days. I hope you’ll keep checking in.

2014: A Look Back

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Moving forward, looking ahead.

2014 is over. It was a good year for me. Not my best, but certainly one that finished on a very positive note. A year I can look back on and be proud of what I learned and accomplished, a year that marks the successful end of a long and bitter battle to keep what’s rightfully mine.

The Journal

Penny on the Porch
Penny the Tiny Dog lounges in the morning sun on the wrap-around porch of the house we spent the winter in.

I kept a journal for much of the year. I started it on January 1, 2014, when I was housesitting for a neighbor who was gone for the winter. He had a wonderful home and I was fortunate to be able to spend nearly three months in its comfort. Having the space to entertain friends helped me build stronger bonds with people I’ve met since relocating permanently here in Central Washington State in late May of 2013. And it was a hell of a lot warmer than my RV would have been.

This was the first time I kept a journal for any length of time. You might argue that this blog is a journal — and it is, to a certain extent. But while my blog posts cover a wide range of topics and often go into wordy detailed descriptions, my journal is brief. I wrote in it every morning throughout the spring, set it aside during the summer, and then opened it again in the fall. I wrote my last entry in the 2014 edition this morning and will start my 2015 book tomorrow.

Each entry is limited to one double-sided page, forcing me to keep things brief. I often refer to blog posts for more detail. My journal entries include a lot of thoughts and feelings that I don’t include in my very public blog. 2014 took up 1-1/3 blank books. Red ones — I really do like red. 2015’s first book will be black because that’s the color I found on sale.

The benefit of this and other journals I’ve kept in the past: I can go back and refer to them to see what was going on during a specific time in my life. This is especially important these days, when I’m trying so hard to discard painful memories from my wasband’s betrayal and the very bitter divorce that followed it. Writing things down gets them on paper and out of my head. Later, when I’m fully healed, I can go back and revisit them with the 20-20 vision of hindsight.

I’ll consult that journal as I write up this year in review.

Travel

I didn’t do much traveling in 2014, although I really enjoyed the few trips I took.

The big trip was to California’s Central Valley. For the second year in a row, I had a frost control contract with the helicopter. Unlike the 2013 contract the 2014 contract paid a much higher standby fee but required me to live in the area with the helicopter. So just as I’d moved the helicopter and my RV seasonally to Washington state for cherry drying when I lived in Arizona, in February 2014, I moved the helicopter and my RV to the Sacramento area of California for frost control.

Hamming it Up
Penny and I, hanging out at George’s hangar at the airport.

I made some new friends down there — it’s amazing how easy it is to make friends when you’re alone and don’t have to humor a companion who doesn’t seem interested in meeting anyone new. George, a fellow pilot, and Becky, who managed the airport where Penny and I lived, became part of my life for the two months I was there. George and I spent a lot of time flying both his gyroplane and my helicopter. We took my helicopter out to San Carlos Airport for a test flight in an Enstrom 480 and a visit to the Hiller Aviation Museum, where we got a great private tour.

Maria and George in the Cockpit
Here I am with George, sitting in the cockpit of a 747 on display at the Hiller Aviation Museum.

Hot Air Balloon
The hot air balloon flight comped to me by the pilot was one of the highlights of the trip. I hope to return the favor this spring when I go back.

Other things I did in California: during February, March, and April: hot air balloon flight over the Central Valley, wine tasting with visiting Washington friends in Napa Valley, several “joy flying” flights over Napa Valley and the Sutter Buttes, whale watching at Point Reyes, a visit to Muir Woods, kayaking with the members of the Sacramento Paddle Pushers group in the American River, paddling at Lake Solano, and a visit to the food truck extravaganza in downtown Woodland. I also got to see my friend Rod, who lives in Georgetown, and Shirley, who lives in Carmichael. I really like the area I stayed in and hope that this year’s contract lets me base the helicopter at the same airport.

Penny on the Kayak
Penny keeps watch in the kayak’s bow as we head back down the American River in Sacramento with new friends. Not sure why I didn’t blog about this trip; I have tons of photos to share.

I went to the Santa Barbara area of California three times in 2014 to record courses for Lynda.com. In February, I took Penny with me and recorded Up and Running with Twitter, a brand new version of my extremely popular Twitter course. I went back in May, without Penny, to record Word 2013 Power Shortcuts and Up & Running with Meetup. I returned yet again in October to record Word 2013: Creating Long Documents. The first time, I stayed at a hotel in Carpinteria that I didn’t particularly care for. But on the next two trips, I stayed at my preferred hotel on the harbor at Ventura in my “usual room” with harbor view and jacuzzi tub. I really enjoy my trips to Lynda. I work extra hard while I’m there so I finish early and get to enjoy a day at the beach.

Harbor View
The view from my usual room in Ventura isn’t too shabby.

I got to visit the San Juan Islands twice this year. The first time was for a week-long vacation at my friend Steve’s house on Lopez Island. I blogged extensively about that great trip. The second time was for the Thanksgiving holiday weekend with my friend Bob at Friday Harbor, which I also blogged about. I really like the islands but could never full-time live on that side of the Cascades: too much dreary weather. I was lucky at Lopez Island; the weather was very good all week.

My final trip of the year was my annual Christmas trip to Winthrop for cross-country skiing in the Methow Valley. I haven’t blogged about that trip yet but I hope to find time to do so. The Winthrop/Mazama area is the largest cross-country ski area in the country, with hundreds of miles of groomed trails. I feel extremely fortunate to have such a great place to ski only 100 miles from my home.

Off to go Skiing
Penny and I went skiing over the Christmas holiday for the second year in a row.

Trips planned for 2015 include Arizona and California this spring. My autumn and winter travel schedules are still up in the air.

The Big Project

Backhoe
Jeff of Parkway Excavating rolled down my driveway on April 24 to begin prepping the building pad.

When I returned to Washington after frost season, I started the biggest project of my life: the construction of my new home. Earth work on my lot began in April and construction began soon afterward, continuing through the end of June. The building, which would house all of my possessions — including my helicopter, RV, Jeep, Honda car, and Ford truck, jet boat, motorcycle, and ATV — is a pole building I designed with the assistance of the good folks at Western Ranch Buildings in East Wenatchee. With a total of about 4,000 square feet, 1,200 of which is dedicated to living space, it features a four-car garage, an RV garage big enough for my helicopter and fifth wheel RV, a shop area, comfortable one-bedroom home, and a wrap around deck with windows to take in the amazing views of the Wenatchee Valley.

Roofing
They began roofing the building on June 10.

Electrician
Yes, this is me dressed up for electrical work: toolbelt, kneepads, and warm clothes. Heat is on but without insulation, the building still gets pretty chilly.

Because I was paying cash for the building and because I was interested in saving as much money as possible, I became not only the building’s designer but also the general contractor and electrician. (I was going to do the plumbing, too, but a local plumber offered me a deal that was too good to pass up.) Because my flying work is seasonal and my writing work is flexible, I had no real trouble getting the work done. I did pause in the autumn after getting the framing and roof insulation done, but decided in November to forego a lengthy trip to California and Arizona for the winter months and go full throttle to finish it up as quickly as possible.

What’s done? The building’s entire shell, including concrete floor is done. All doors and windows are installed. My vehicles, including my helicopter RV, are safely tucked inside for the winter. My shop and RV have all utility services. The living space is framed, the furnace and air handler for my HVAC system are installed and running, the ceiling has its first layer of insulation. The electrical system in the garage and living space are about 80% done.

What’s coming up? The plumber comes next week and, if all goes well with the wiring, I’ll get through the inspections needed to close up the walls by January 15. Then I’ll get the insulation and drywall done and the main space painted. The floors go in next. My appliances, custom kitchen cabinets, granite countertops, freestanding soaking tub, glass block shower walls, and many light sconces are on order and will begin arriving as soon as next week. Cabinets will be installed in mid February, appliances at February month-end, and countertops sometime before the middle of March. In the meantime, I’ll put down my deck and the rails around it. At this point, there’s a very real possibility that I’ll be able to move into my new home by March month-end.

If you’ve never built your own home, you likely have no idea what a joy and trial it is. This is, by far, the most challenging thing I’ve ever attempted. It’s a real pleasure — despite the occasional difficulties — to be able to make my own decisions on every aspect of the project without having to wait for a risk adverse, indecisive, and, frankly, cheap partner to weigh in with his decisions. And I cannot begin to describe how rewarding it is to look around what I’m building and know that it came from my mind, my heart, and my hard work.

I’ll continue to blog about the project throughout the coming year.

Other Accomplishments, Activities, New Hobbies

I got the year off to a slow start, not really doing much of anything new. I guess the biggest deal in the spring was learning to fly a gyroplane and soloing in about 7 hours. George taught me in his little Magni M-16 Gyroplane and it was a blast.

Solo Flight
George snapped this photo of me as I taxied off the runway after my first solo flight.

In the spring, when I returned from California, I built a chicken coop and, with the help of some friends, built a secure chicken yard for my flock of six hens. They laid eggs — about three dozen a week! — starting in October and only just slowed down production for the winter. I also had the opportunity to help out at a chicken slaughter.

For the first time in at least 10 years I had a vegetable garden. I planted Brussels sprouts, tomatoes, onions, pumpkins, melons, zucchini, yellow squash, butternut squash, corn, and herbs. Most of my garden occupied pots and raised garden planters I made out of pallets.

I also kept up with my beekeeping activities. I caught a swarm again this year and assisted another beekeeper on a swarm capture. By the end of the season, I had seven hives and had harvested another 3 gallons of honey. I also began selling honey in boutique packaging at local wineries. And I took a mead-making course and put up my first gallon of mead.

Pendant
Here’s one of my upcycled pendants, created from clear and blue wine bottle glass.

At the end of the summer, I purchased a very small kiln and began doing warm glass projects that upcycled wine bottles into Christmas tree ornaments and jewelry. I began making some of these items available for sale online.

I also stayed pretty active locally during the year, going on multiple hikes, boat trips, paddling trips, and Jeep trips with friends. I took over a Meetup group I belonged to and met a bunch of great people on activities with the group.

Friends

I didn’t realize how many good friends I’d made in the area until I had my moving party on June 28. I sent out invitations in email and on paper and on Facebook and Twitter. The party would be two parts: a moving party that started at my hangar and a pot luck barbecue at my mostly completed home. I honestly didn’t expect more than maybe 20 people to show up with only handful for the move. If I got my furniture moved, I’d be thrilled — I could always fetch the boxes myself.

But the attendance — especially at the hangar — blew me away. At least two dozen people showed up there with pickup trucks. One even brought a large horse trailer. Within 2 hours everything in the hangar was loaded up and we were on our way across the river to Malaga. They unloaded even quicker — almost before I realized what was happening. Then they brought out their pot luck dishes and we partied. I think the final party attendance was close to 50.

My social life here in Washington is amazing. If I wanted to, I could do something with friends every day or evening. Wine tasting, boating and paddling, hiking, Jeeping, dinner, movies, parties — there’s no end to it. On some days, I have to choose between activities or squeeze multiple activities with different people into my day. I’ve never been so active with other people. I love it — especially since these are all great, friendly, generous people who like me for who I am.

And yes, I’m dating, too. But not much, and that’s by choice. I’m extremely picky about starting a relationship with a man. I’d rather live life alone than live it with the wrong man again.

Flying Work (and Play)

In addition to the very lucrative frost contract I had in California in early spring, I had my best cherry drying season ever. In 2014, during the “crunch period” of mid June to mid July, I had three other pilots working with me to cover the acreage I was under contract for. I think we did a remarkably good job providing service for my clients in the Quincy and Wenatchee areas. There wasn’t quite as much rain as there was in 2013, but with more acreage to cover — almost 350 acres at one point! — the standby pay made our dedication to staying in the area worthwhile.

I did some charter work during the season, including a winter video shoot for one client that included air-to-air footage of the historic Miss Veedol airplane and an interesting dawn shoot over the Wenatchee Symphony Orchestra playing at Ohme Gardens. The Miss Veedol footage was only part of the aerial footage shot from my helicopter that appeared in the first We Are Wenatchee video. I also did two amazing Seattle video shoots — at sunset and dawn the following day — as well as a video flight up the Duwamish Waterway and Green River to its source near the base of Mt. Rainier. It’s flights like these that make me so glad I became a helicopter pilot.

We are Wenatchee from Voortex Productions on Vimeo.

Although one of my big charter clients wound up opening its own flight department with a leased helicopter and full-time pilot, I still did a bunch of charter work for them, flying management team members to various orchards throughout Central Washington State — and even to Seattle. They’ll continue to use my services on an as-needed basis during the busy season, as long as it doesn’t conflict with my cherry drying work.

Other interesting flights include a handful of wine tasting flights, a flight to the Slate Peak communication facility, a pollination flight, and two Santa flights. And, of course, I can’t forget my flight to and from Lopez Island and the flight around the San Juan Islands I took with my friend Steve. Or those Napa Valley flights. Or the flight for a hamburger at Blustery’s Drive In in Vantage.

Landing Zone Closeup
There was still snow atop Slate Peak in May 2014.

Writing Work

Although writing accounts for only a small part of my income these days, I did do a significant amount of writing work. In addition to the four video courses I authored for Lynda.com (mentioned earlier), I also began writing articles for Lynda.com’s blog.

I also made a new writing contact. Beginning in January 2015, my articles about flying helicopters will begin appearing on AOPA’s Hover Power blog. You’ll find my bio on the About the Authors page there. I’m extremely pleased to be writing about helicopters for an audience beyond blog readers.

As for my blog, it’s readership has pretty much doubled over the past year. I now consistently get between 1,000 and 2,000 page hits each day with visitors from all over the world.

My divorce book, which I blogged about back in April 2013 — has it been that long? — is still being written. I can’t finish it until the divorce bullshit is finally over.

The Divorce Bullshit

A lot of people don’t realize that even though my divorce was finalized in July 2013, it wasn’t over. Not only did my wasband appeal the judge’s decision, but he refused to comply with court orders regarding refinancing our house, which he received in the settlement, and paying me what he owed me. So legal action dragged on throughout the end of 2013 and into much of 2014.

My poor wasband — and yes, I do pity him a lot more than I probably should — got a lot of bad advice from friends and family members. If he’d accepted my very generous original settlement offer — proposed back in November or December of 2012 — he could have saved well over $100K in legal fees and could have kept the house for about 1/5 of its market value, including most of the furniture and other items I would have left behind. And we both could have gotten on with our lives with a minimum of bad feelings. But he took that bad advice, which gave him the idea that he had some sort of legal claim over the business I’d begun building long before we were married and all the assets that went with it. Even when the judge decided he didn’t, more bad advice convinced him to appeal. The appeals court, which handed down its decision just before Thanksgiving, agreed entirely with the original judge. In other words, he lost the appeal.

The result: more than two years of our lives wasted, a life-long friendship shattered with a lot of bad feelings, and more money than I’d like to think about thrown away on legal fees. He could have gotten rid of me — and kept the paid-for house! — for $50K. Instead, it’ll wind up costing him over $200K (including legal fees) and he has to sell the house to pay me. That’s gotta hurt.

My only consolation is that his stupidity and greed cost him far more than it cost me. I’ll recover from the financial setback of the legal battle, mostly because I know how to live within my means and I have substantial retirement investments. My home will be fully paid for within a few years, leaving me as debt-free and financially secure as I was before this all started.

Of course, I’ll actually be far better off than before this started because I won’t be dragged down emotionally by a lying loser incapable of making decisions or taking measured risks to move forward in life.

Solstice
Here’s the note I burned on the yule log at a solstice party — I want to leave this burden behind forever.

And that’s what 2014 has shown me: the 29-year relationship with the man I loved was holding me back, preventing me from moving forward to achieve lifestyle goals and dreams. I thought I shared goals with the man I loved but in the end it was all a lie — he just pretended during those last few years to be on the same page with me to keep the status quo he so loved. He sucked away my self-esteem by blaming me for our dismal social life and making me feel unwelcome in the home he claimed to want to share with me. It wasn’t until he freed me that I regained the self-esteem he’d sucked out of me and I began to move forward with life again.

I’ve accomplished more in 2014 than I had since I married in 2006. I achieved more goals, I made more friends, I learned more things. I stopped waiting for a partner to run out of excuses to hold us back and I began living life again. And believe me, living life alone sure beats the hell out of living life chained to a sad sack old man.

I only wish I’d made the break sooner, before we were married, before he lost his mind and soul. It would have been nice to remain friends with someone I really cared about.

In the meantime, I’m waiting for the house to be sold by a court-appointed master so I can get paid and do my best to put this this nightmare behind me.

After I finish my divorce book.

Looking Forward

2015 promises to be a great year. I have my big construction project to finish up, more writing work ahead of me, and a healthy helicopter charter business to nurture and built. I have more friends than I’ve ever had in my life — good, reliable friends eager to get together for all kinds of fun and even help me make my dreams realities. I have hobbies and interests to keep me busy and plenty of free time to explore them. Best of all, I’m living in a magnificent place that’s full of beauty and life and opportunities for outdoor activities.

Tail Shot
Isn’t it beautiful here?

I’m alive and loving life again.

Happy New Year.

I Am NOT the Woman You Are Looking For

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And feel sorry that you thought I might be.

Dear John,

Yes, I know that isn’t your name but I certainly don’t want to embarrass you in public. What follows might indeed embarrass you if people connected it to your real name. I don’t want that to happen.

I thoroughly enjoyed most of our day and evening together yesterday. Lunch, wine tasting, walking around town to look at the odds and ends in Wenatchee’s trendy consignment shops. Lots of conversation and laughs. Fun stuff — very promising for a second date.

I looked forward to our dinner together as I drove the winding roads to my temporary home with you behind me in your car. I appreciated you helping me with the groceries and my unexpectedly malfunctioning smoker. (Honestly, if the thing had worked properly for the entire time I was out yesterday, those ribs would have been much better.)

But it was during our conversation while I made dinner that things started to go south. You see, you originally represented yourself as “divorced.” I was very surprised to learn that not only was your divorce not finalized, but you haven’t even filed for divorce yet.

News flash: You are married.

You told me about your troubles with your wife — although I’m not sure why you referred to her as your “ex-wife” when you’re still legally married. I understand that things are not what you want them to be. You told me that she kicked you out, although you also said that she refuses to admit that she did so. Maybe she didn’t? Maybe she was giving you some freedom so you could get your head together?

And I think you need to get your head together on this.

When I asked you outright whether you would go back to your wife, you had to think about it before replying.

And what’s with the apartment without furniture? You say you have furniture in storage — why not move it to your new home? Is it because you’re not committing to that as a new home? Is it because you think there’s a chance that you and your wife might get back together and you don’t want to go through the process of moving twice? You did say more than once that you could pack up everything in your apartment into your van. Are you thinking of moving back in with her? Be honest with yourself! What are you really thinking?

You tell me that you send her money, so you’re still supporting her. You refer to your house that’s up for sale — don’t you realize that she owns half of it? In fact, because of the length of your marriage, that she probably owns half of everything you own? And, until you file for divorce, she can lay claim to half of everything you earn?

You tell me that your separation went smoothly and that you and your ex-wife remain on good terms. But she’s not your ex-wife! She’s your wife! Wait until you finally file for divorce — if you ever do. Things will turn ugly very quickly if you have something that she wants and you’re not willing to give it up. And how do you think divorce negotiations will go when another woman is involved? (Ask my ex-husband. He threw away any chance of the “amicable divorce” he claimed he wanted when he lied, cheated, harassed me, and made unreasonable demands for money and property. He turned what could have been a quick, civilized proceeding into a costly, never-ending war.)

And what about your kids? Do you really want them to remember you as the man who cheated on their mother?

I’ve given all this a lot of thought since you left last night on your long drive home. I realized, with a great deal of sadness, that you’re playing the same game my ex-husband played: poking around on dating sites to see whether you could replace your wife before doing the paperwork to legally end your marriage. You’re showing the same weakness he did: a fear of facing life alone. I honestly believe that you’re suffering from the same kind of confused thinking that plagued him in the final year of our marriage. That midlife crisis gone horribly wrong.

Yes, as I mentioned to you last night, my ex-husband also signed up for an online dating site while he was still married, before there was any talk of divorce. While he was talking to me on the phone about spending the summer with me in Washington, he was dating other women in Arizona, actively looking for my replacement. I can imagine him telling those women the same thing you told me: that you and your wife were separated with no chance of reconciliation. Is that really the truth? It wasn’t the truth for him.

But unlike the desperate old whore my ex-husband wound up with — what else could you call a woman who sleeps with a married man and takes his money and gifts? — I don’t date married men.

I have morals and principles. Being “the other woman” does not fall within the realm of what I’m willing to do for companionship and a warm body beside me in bed. And I’m not looking for a meal ticket or someone to tackle a “honey do” list.

Unlike the old woman who seduced my weak and morally confused husband with her sweet talk, 30-year-old lingerie photos, and god knows what else, I am not desperate enough to compromise my principles. And I never will be.

I do appreciate your honesty, even though it was belated. I’m just not the kind of woman you might think I am.

I’m disappointed. I really liked you a lot after our first date. So much, in fact, that I as I showered and dressed for yesterday’s date, I considered the possibility of asking you to spend the night if things went well. I even made appropriate preparations for whatever that might entail. But your revelations about your true marital status put any such thoughts out of my mind.

I’m also a little angry. I feel misled, manipulated.

So I’m sure you won’t be surprised when I say that I’d like to end this now, before it goes any further. I don’t need to make another bad emotional investment — I’m still reeling from the last one.

And do you know what’s crazy about all this? If the woman my husband left me for had half the moral fiber I have and had walked away from him as I am walking away from you, my marriage might have been saved. Maybe I’m saving yours.

And yes, I’ll speak to you in person before I post this online. It’s not my intention to break this kind of news in writing, especially in a public forum. Only a coward would do that — and although I’ve been called many things, coward is not one of them. This blog post is a reminder to me — and others in my situation — of how misguided some men can be. I’m so sorry that you’re one of them.

With sadness but no regrets,

Maria

20 Things that Turn Me Off about Your Online Dating Presence

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This is my list. Other women’s lists may differ — although I bet there’s a lot in common.

This started as a Facebook thread. I was lamenting the sad fact that someone I’d begun messaging with on an online dating site had proven himself to be completely illiterate. Hell, here’s the original post:

So I’m on this dating site and this guy’s profile looks interesting to me. Short but nicely written and says the kinds of things I want to read. So I strike up a conversation with him in the site’s messaging system. After four exchanges, I realize that the guy is clearly unable to write, spell, punctuate, etc. His messages to me are so bad that they’re beyond illiterate — it’s almost as if this whole thing is some sort of joke. Is it wrong for me to be completely turned off? I don’t expect perfect grammar, but I do expect communication that doesn’t need to be deciphered before I can respond to it. I want the guy who wrote the profile, not this moron.

I got a bunch of comments — from both men and women — and the string of comments morphed into me sharing a list of about a dozen things I considered a real turn off on a man’s online dating profile. The more of these I see on a profile, the less likely I’ll be to either initiate or even respond to communications with an offender.

Before I launch into the list, I need to say a few things. This is my list of the things that bother me. Another woman’s list might be different. A few women who are desperate enough to hook up won’t care about any of this stuff. But guys — is this the kind of woman you want? Don’t you want to attract someone who’s a bit more discriminating in who they’ll hop in the sack with? If you don’t care, then this list isn’t for you anyway; move along.

One more thing. I’m sure that guys reading this will agree that many of them apply to women’s profiles. Ladies, take note!

Now for the list. To make my list easier to consume, I’ve separated it into categories.

Picture

Your profile picture is the first thing a woman sees when she looks at your profile. It should clearly show what you really look like. Head and shoulders is good for a primary photo, full body (clothes on, please) should be somewhere in the collection.

I want to make it clear here that I’m not just interested in great looking men. As more than a few of my friends have pointed out, my ex-husband was not someone who would turn the average woman’s head, with male pattern baldness that was already advanced when I met him 30+ years ago. Still, I looked beyond appearances and found something I soon grew to love inside him. (Not sure what happened to that.) Looks are only part of what makes a person.

What I’m mostly looking for in a photo is a man who takes care of himself, has some pride in his appearance, and has a great smile. And, as we all know, a person’s appearance often gives some insight into his personality; for example, a man with long, hippie-like hair is probably going to be kind of hippie-like, no?

Anyway, here are my turn offs:

1. No picture.

What are you hiding? Are you The Elephant Man’s stunt double? While not everyone can be a Calvin Klein underwear model — I wish! — don’t be ashamed of who you are. A nice photo can really catch a woman’s eye.

The other question I wonder — and I admit that this is a bigger concern to me — is who are you hiding from? Your wife?

Simply stated, if you don’t have a photo, I have to assume you’re hiding something. I don’t want to have to go on a date to find out what it is.

2. Old photos.

I really don’t care what you looked like when you went on that cool trip to Paris in 2005. Or when you played in a band in college. I care what you look like now. Sharing old photos is akin to lying. Your photo should show what you look like. Not what you used to look like.

Photos shouldn’t be more than two years old. Period. Delete the old ones, add new ones. Adding photos is a good way to get a fresh look on the same site, anyway. Win-win.

On the same vein but not deserving its own category: blurry, over exposed, under exposed, or extreme closeup photos. Also, group photos where it isn’t clear which member of the group you are.

3. Cropped couple photos

I can’t believe I even need to list this, but I do. Guys actually do this. I’ve seen more than a few photos of a man who clearly has his arm around a woman who has been cropped out of the photo. Seriously?

4. All photos are selfies.

Yeah, I know selfies are the big rage these days. Selfie was even the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the year in 2013.

But seriously, don’t you have any friends? If all your photos are selfies, I can only assume that you don’t.

Everyone with a cell phone these days also has a camera. The next time you’re looking presentable while you’re out with your friends, hand your phone to a friend and tell him/her to snap your picture. Take a few and then use the best one (not all of them). Was that so hard?

(Oh, and there’s a special place in hell for any man who uses vacation photos taken by his wife on a dating site when he’s still married to her. Did you get that, honey?)

Personally, I think solo selfies are kind of juvenile. It’s one thing to snap a shot of you and your friends at the ball game or beach, all bunched together making faces at a camera for fun, but it’s another to hold the camera at arms length in your bathroom or bedroom to shoot a photo of your face with a clear view up your nostrils. As for mirror selfies, I find them especially offensive. Kind of creepy, in fact.

5. Shirt-off photos (especially selfies).

You’d better have a build like a Calvin Klein underwear model if you include shirtless photos in your profile. I’ve seen too many shirtless photos of guys who really need to keep that stuff covered.

And when the photo is a selfie, you’re sort of admitting that you wouldn’t show it in public anyway.

Remember, you’re trying to attract a woman, not disgust her.

6. Harley fan photos

This is strictly personal preference.

If more than one of your photos or your only photo is of you with your Harley Davidson — especially if you’re wearing Harley clothes — I am not going to be interested. I ride motorcycles but I’m not at all interested in the Harley mentality and its black and orange trappings. I ride motorcycles because I like to ride, not because I like to park a shiny chrome bike in a parking lot after riding a mile or two to have some beers with my friends. I could probably out-ride most of the Harley guys out there and I’m sure I have more motorcycle miles in more states under my belt.

Now put a photo of you standing next to your sport or sport touring bike with a sleek leather jacket and jeans on and you’ve got my attention. Let’s go riding!

Profile Text

Your profile description is where women look next. They want to see what you’re all about. They want to know what you like and what’s important to you. Once your profile photo got a woman’s interest, this is where she’ll go to see if you might be compatible.

My turn-offs here are a mixture of basic no-nos and personal tastes.

7. Poor grammar, spelling, etc.

Okay, not everyone has perfect grammar. Hell, I’ve been writing for a living since 1990 and even I don’t have perfect grammar. I don’t actually expect perfect grammar, either. But I do expect a guy to be able to string together correctly spelled words into a coherent thought that resembles a punctuated sentence. For pete’s sake, we have spellcheckers and autocorrect that practically do the spelling for us!

I can’t help judge a person’s intelligence by the way he/she communicates in writing. I’ve even blogged about that. If you come across in your profile as being illiterate, I’m not going to be interested in you. I’m looking for more than a warm body in bed. I want someone able to think, communicate, and sustain a conversation.

And again, I’m not talking about a few little mistakes. That’s to be expected. No one is perfect.

8. Brief/Incomplete profiles

Dating sites usually give you plenty of space to describe yourself and the kind of woman you’re looking for. A sentence or two concluding with a statement like, “Learn more when you meet me” is a cop-out, plain and simple. Chances are, those two sentences haven’t given me a reason to want to meet you.

Dating sites also usually have data fields with multiple choice options to describe yourself. While I don’t expect you to share your income information or other information that you might consider a bit more private than you’re willing to share in a forum as public as a dating site, I do expect you to provide answers for fields such as your marital status, height, body type, education level, religion (or whether it matters), number of children (if not grown), and whether you smoke or do drugs. Why would you leave out any of this information? This is pretty basic stuff a potential date needs to know.

9. Using LOL more than once in your profile (or in messages)

Are you a man or a 15-year-old girl sending a text to her BFF?

I cannot think of a more overused text abbreviation than LOL. While it’s tolerable in conversations on social networks and texting when you see or read something that really makes you laugh out loud, do you find your online dating profile or messages to me so funny that you’re actually laughing out loud while writing them?

I’ll give you one, and that’s only because you might have learned it from your daughter when she was 15.

10. Inaccurate Profiles

If anything you include in your profile is not true, you are a liar. Period.

That includes truth stretched beyond all recognition.

You love to travel, huh? When was the last time you were away? And no, visiting your kids in Spokane doesn’t count. Someone who really loves to travel takes at least a trip or two a year.

You love to work out at the gym, huh? A guy who really loves to work out at the gym wouldn’t look so dismal with his shirt off (see #5 above).

You love fine dining and wine tasting, huh? Then what’s with that photo of you and your friends at the sports bar guzzling Bud Light?

Do you really want to attract a woman with a lie? What do you think will happen when she discovers the truth?

While it’s true that people who are desperate enough for companionship will overlook lies about age, physical condition, hobbies, etc., are you one of them? Do you want to attract one of them?

And yes, passing off old photos as recent is lying.

11. Saying that you’re looking for a beautiful or sexy woman

Duh. Doesn’t every guy want a hot woman?

But by saying that’s what you’re looking for — especially if you list that first or only list that — you’re telling me a few not-so-pleasant things about yourself:

  • You’re shallow. Looks are more important than anything else.
  • You objectify women.
  • Brains don’t matter. You don’t care what a woman has between her ears as long as she looks good on your arm or services you in bed.
  • You’re in it for the short run. What happens as a woman ages and isn’t as beautiful or sexy anymore?

I actually saw a profile today where the only thing in the description was that he was looking for a beautiful, sexy woman. That was the only tidbit of information he felt worth sharing about himself. And no, he wasn’t a Calvin Klein underwear model, either. Are guys like this ever?

Related: Saying that you don’t want “a fatty” or an “ugly woman.” Same bulleted list applies.

And, for the record, yes I’d like a hot stud. But you won’t find that tidbit in my online profile. I don’t objectify men.

12. Saying more than twice in your profile how important your family is to you.

I get it. You have kids and maybe even grandkids and you love them. Fine.

But if you feel a need to mention it more than twice, I have to wonder how many times I might be dragged to your family gatherings or stuck babysitting your grandkids. I didn’t have kids for a reason: I didn’t want them. While I don’t mind spending some time with kids, I’m not prepared to take over the role of mother or grandmother for yours.

Obviously, this is a personal preference. There are women out there who might love being around kids. But still — do you really need to say it over and over in your profile? Isn’t there anything else you’re interested in that doesn’t involve your family?

This is one of the things that falls under my “three strikes and you’re out” rule.

13. Mentioning your important relationship with Jesus Christ or God.

There are special dating sites for people who have found Jesus. If your relationship to your deity is so important to you that you need to mention it in an online dating site profile, you should go to one of those sites. That’s where women who would appreciate your love for Jesus Christ will be.

Related: Finishing up your profile description with “God bless you” or stating that one of your favorite books is The Bible.

Again, this is a personal preference. I’m not religious at all and would not be happy with someone who was very religious.

14. Mentioning that one of your favorite things to do is to go to the gym or that you work out more than three times a week

Really? You spend so much time working out at a gym but you can’t hook up with a woman there?

And while I don’t expect (or even want) to take up all of a man’s free time, he’ll have a lot less time to share with me if he’s at the gym five days a week after work. I hope he doesn’t expect me to go with him. I have better things to do with my time than play with exercise machines.

I see this gym-love so frequently in dating profiles that I’ve come to suspect that there’s a blog post like this somewhere telling guys to include that line just to impress women. News Flash: Most women in the 40+ crowd aren’t impressed.

15. Going into more detail about what you don’t want than you provide about yourself or what you do want

Profiles like this read like laundry lists from negative people. I can use them to read between the lines. Everything a guy says he doesn’t want is something he’s had in the past that he didn’t like. And, for some reason, he thinks that by listing them, he’ll avoid them.

All he’ll do is avoid any self-respecting woman who wants a man with a more positive outlook on life and dating.

16. Hinting about (or even outright stating) the problems you had with your ex

We’ve all got stories about our ex-partners or ugly breakups. (Regular readers of this blog know that I’ve got whoppers.) If the baggage your ex left you with is so bad that you have to mention it on a dating site, you need a therapist, not a relationship.

This includes comments that make it all too easy to read between the lines. You want a “faithful” woman? What guy doesn’t? When you make a point of saying that in your profile, you’re telling me that your last partner cheated on you. I don’t want to hear about it. If you can’t get past that on your profile, will you drag it into conversation on a date, too?

Personal preference again: I want a strong man, not one who needs constant reassurance and other mommying.

And I definitely don’t want a play-by-play of your ugly divorce on one of our first dates. (Guaranteed mine is uglier and I don’t want to talk to you about that, either.)

17. Saying how hard you work and how important your job is to you.

I work pretty hard in the summer months, work less hard in the spring and autumn, and spent most of the winter trying to keep myself busy with fun things. Because I’m a freelancer and business owner, I don’t have any set hours. That means I can do fun things between work just about any day of the week any time of the year.

I was married to a 9 to 5 slave who spent all of his vacation time going back to New York to visit his family. Although he had many opportunities to build a lifestyle like mine, he apparently preferred the steady paycheck, corporate grind, and the rut he dug for himself. It took a real toll on our relationship in its final days.

As you can imagine, the last thing in the world that I want is a relationship with another guy so caught up in his work that he has no time for a life.

So yes, this is personal preference. If you’re spending so much time working, what time will be left for us? Will you even find time to date?

Messaging

The few dating sites I’ve been to all have an onsite messaging system that makes it possible to communicate with a potential date without giving away your email address. I always exchange at least three or four messages with a guy before agreeing to meet him (in a very public place, of course).

Messaging does a few things:

  • It helps break the ice in an effort to determine whether the other party is interested. Some guys just don’t respond because they’re either not interested or already dating someone else.
  • It helps learn more about the other party. A little conversation can go a long way to help determine whether someone is worth meeting in person.
  • Set up a date.

Guys could use some improvement here, too.

18. Initiating contact with an inane or open-ended comment.

Last week, I got a message from a man that just said, “hmmm interesting”

What’s the response for something like that? I couldn’t think of anything so I didn’t say anything.

Two days later, he messages me again with “We have five things in common Wow”

I read his profile. I couldn’t see five things we had in common. I did see that he mentioned several times how much his family meant to him and how he expected his partner to spend a lot of time with them. I replied (as kindly as I could) that I was not a family person and he could find a better match than me. Then I wished him good luck and happy new year. I never did find out what the five things were.

Christmas Photo
Sure, I’ll take a compliment on this photo. I think I look pretty darn good here.

Here’s another exchange:
Him: Love your Christmas party pic very nice
Me: Thanks!
Him: your welcome

That’s it. Is he serious or just throwing around compliments? (I’ll gladly take any compliment!) He didn’t leave me anything to move forward on, so I left it at that. It’s funny because I liked his profile and had considered making contact with him but this short exchange changed my mind.

What’s the problem with it? Well It indicates to me that either the person isn’t very imaginative or simply doesn’t want to put any effort into that first contact. Either way, it’s a turn-off to me. Hell, my profile is at least 500 words long and describes a lot of the things I like and do. If you think we have enough in common to make contact for a possible date, why not zero in on one of those?

19. Saying something in a message that proves he didn’t read my profile

My user name on a dating site is IFlyHelis. One of my profile photos is me standing next to a helicopter. My profile mentions the memoir I’m writing about my season as a Grand Canyon helicopter tour pilot and the fact that I’m prepping to build a helibase. I even include “flying” in my list of interests.

Yet I still get first contact messages from guys saying “Do you really fly helos?”

My response: “Yes.” It’s not worth putting more effort into it since he obviously didn’t take the effort to read my profile.

20. Failing to maintain a minimum level of literacy in messages

This goes back to my original Facebook post and what I mentioned in #7 and #9 above.

A message to a potential date on a dating site should not resemble a cryptic text message sent by a 15 year old girl. Yeah, I get it: you’re accessing the site with your cell phone. But honestly, that’s no excuse for sending me messages so full of misspelled words (or typos) and so lacking in punctuation that it takes me five minutes to decipher before I can respond.

No, I don’t expect perfect grammar, full sentences, and flawless spelling. But I do expect something that I can immediately read and understand. Something that assures me I’m dealing with an intelligent, articulate adult and not some prepubescent kid trying to hook a date using photos of his dad.

More?

That’s my list — so far. I’d love to get feedback from women and men sharing their pet peeves from dating sites. What do you think? Have anything to add?

To the guys reading this who are guilty of one or more of these offenses, please don’t think I’m attacking you as a person. I’m not. I’m just pointing out what I’ve seen and experienced and what my opinions are.

And before you comment to bash me about my opinions, read the Site Comment Policy. And then think about what you were going to say. If you’re guilty of these things and are taking offense, lighten up and rethink this post in the spirit in which it was intended: as constructive criticism. If you’re not doing as well as you’d like on dating sites, maybe you can use some of these points as tips to improve your profile and message communication. If so, please do stop back here and let me know how it helps.

I also want to point out that I would never blog anything negative or embarrassing about a specific, identifiable person I met online or dated. We’re all in the same boat — well, sort of. And I’m not one to rock boats when I’m a passenger.

Me and My Traeger

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I enjoy my first rack of ribs, smoked to perfection on my new grill.

Grilling has been a part of my life for the past 30 or so years. I had a grill in Queens (New York), New Jersey, and Arizona. Even when I lived just three months in Yarnell, AZ back in 1995, I bought a little hibachi and used it almost every evening to grill up some meat and vegetables over charcoals for dinner. My old RV had a built-in gas grill and when I got my new RV, the “mobile mansion” back in 2010, I bought a small gas grill to satisfy my craving for grilled food.

I grill year-round, several times a week.

About 10 years ago, I attended a cookout at Prescott’s Love Field airport. My host was cooking on a Traeger Grill. The benefit of the grill was clear: it was fed wood pellets — not gas or charcoal — and it automatically maintained any temperature you set it at. The fact that it was also capable of smoking meat made it something I wanted. Badly.

Time passed. I wasn’t in charge of procuring grills for my home. Someone else was. And he liked gas.

Whatever.

I did have a smoker for a while. I got it from a friend about eight to ten years ago, right before she moved to Colorado. I traded an old bird perch — she has a parrot, too — for it. It was a good-sized traditional smoker with an external firebox and smokestack. It worked well — on the few instances I took the time to use it. Smoking, you see, was all about time — time preparing the wood, time starting the fire, time getting it up to temperature, time checking the temperature, time adding the wood, time checking the temperature, time adding the wood, time checking the temperature — well, you get the idea. When I smoked something, I had to hang around and tend to the smoker. Getting a remote thermometer helped — at least I could monitor the temperature without going outside. But it was still a pain in the butt.

I gave away the smoker. I traded it for a new heating element installed on my hot tub. (Ironically, I gave away the hot tub, too. I traded it for some help moving furniture out of my house last month.)

I’m living in my RV again this summer, prepping to build a custom home on 10 acres of view property in Malaga, WA. That home is going to need a new grill. And this time, I’m in charge.

My Traeger GrillSo I bought the grill I’ve been wanting for the past 10 years. A Traeger.

I bought the “Junior.” It’s the second smallest model and it now comes with the same digital LED thermostat previously available only on the larger, more costly models. Not that the grill was cheap — it wasn’t. But the $50 rebate did help convince me to buy now.

After all, why the hell not?

I bought it at Stan’s Merry Mart in Wenatchee. (I love that store. It’s so funky-weird. Hell, just look at its sign.) Just the day before, a young sales guy had almost talked me into it. I left, thought about it some more, and came back to buy it. They loaded it into the back of my truck with a big bag of mesquite pellets and I drove it back to the Mobile Mansion.

The next day, I assembled it. (If you watch the time-lapse video here, see if you can see the mistake I made and fixed.) But I couldn’t use it that day — I was going to Wenatchee to meet someone new and watch him play softball. Over dinner, I told my new friend about my new grill. I invited him over for the christening celebration: two racks of ribs, smoked. We’d go for a helicopter ride while we waited for the ribs to finish cooking.

And that’s what we did.

Before he came, I prepped the meat by covering it with a mesquite rub. I prepped the Traeger by doing its initial start and seasoning the porcelain grill. Then I turned the thermostat to 250, which brought the cooking chamber up to around 225 — the recommended temperature. I put the ribs on the grill, closed the lid, and went about my business without having to check the temperature or add fuel even once.

Amazing RibsWhen we got back from our flight, the ribs were nearly done. They looked amazing. I made us some salad and corn on the cob, then brushed the smaller of the two racks with BBQ sauce and threw it on my old grill, set to high, to caramelize the sauce onto them.

The finished product was perfect.

What’s next? I’ve been thinking about salmon…