Toggling the Religion Switch

Hypocrisy and cafeteria-style belief systems.

Bible Quote
The way I read this is that you should stay humble and let God do the worrying. When God feels like it, He might make things better for you. Because He cares. Is that an accurate interpretation?

The other day, a friend of mine went into “Bible mode” on Facebook. He’s done this before, not long after I met him at a Meetup outing. I didn’t know him well back then and I just assumed he was a religious person. (Although I’m an atheist, most of my friends are believers in one form or another.) Then he broke up with his long-distance girlfriend and, six months later, was living with another woman in town. Bible mode ended abruptly. But it’s back now, and rumor has it that he’s engaged to yet another woman he met online and has seen in person only twice.

Whoa. (Honestly, I can’t make this shit up.)

“Bible mode,” in case you’re wondering, is my term for when a person starts posting social media updates that either quote the Bible or refer to Bible verses. I find it odd in general — almost as if they’re advertising their belief system — but have come to expect it of certain people, such as a young earth believer and a biblical scholar I know. It sort of makes sense for these people — who obviously hold deeply ingrained religious beliefs — to refer to the Bible in their daily life. But I find it extremely odd when it’s done by someone who normally seems to have little regard for the Bible, Ten Commandments, or the moral principles set forth in the Christian denomination he purportedly follows. You know: moral rules about things like adultery, sex before marriage, and lying.

Wikipedia defines hypocrisy as:

Hypocrisy is the claim or pretense of holding beliefs, feelings, standards, qualities, opinions, behaviors, virtues, motivations, or other characteristics that one does not actually hold. It is the practice of engaging in the same behavior or activity for which one criticizes another. In moral psychology, it is the failure to follow one’s own expressed moral rules and principles.

The way I see it, if you pretend to be a devout, Bible-quoting Christian but have cheated on your wife or screwed women you aren’t married to, you are a hypocrite.

Unless, of course, you believe that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins and therefore you can commit as many sins as you like as long as you’re sorry for them. Jesus has you covered, right?

You know, the Christian “Get Out of Jail Free card.”

This particular person’s flicking of the religion switch bothers me a lot and I’ve given it a lot of thought. I’ve seen the pattern — he turns on Bible mode when he’s hanging around a certain group of people. I’m thinking that he’s toggling the religion switch to the ON position to better fit in with these people. You know — to show that he’s a card-carrying member of their club.

Whatever.

I think it’s a shame that people have to pretend to be someone they’re not just to maintain certain friendships. If you can’t be true to yourself, you can’t be true to anyone. Who wants to live a lie?

Of course, maybe he really has “gotten religion” again. And maybe he’ll keep it this time. Turn over a new leaf. Get married, stay faithful to his new wife, attend church weekly, raise more children, and study the Bible with his family. Maybe the verses he’s quoting from the Bible will actually guide his life. Maybe he’ll remember and hold sacred all ten of the Commandments. Maybe he’ll be a “good Christian,” who actually follows the teachings of Jesus Christ.

Or maybe he’ll be another example of a “cafeteria-style Christian.” You know: the kind who picks and chooses from church doctrine to live his life the way he wants, no matter what his church of choice says he should do. And figures that just going to church and quoting the Bible will give him enough creds to get into heaven.

Of course, I don’t understand why we need organized religion or a book full of parables to guide our lives. George Carlin said it succinctly when he boiled down the Ten Commandments to just two. Other people have summed it up with just one: “Don’t be a dick.” Anyone who understands the difference between right and wrong should be able to live a good, morally sound life without worries about violating some church doctrine or pissing off an all-knowing God. But that’s my belief. Apparently, it isn’t widely shared in this world.

But what I’d really like to see is an end to religious and moral hypocrisy and the hiding of a person’s real self behind Bible quotes. Because seriously: who do you really think you’re fooling?

God is love? Why am I not seeing that?

And when will we ever have religious tolerance?

The other day, I read an article shared on Facebook by my friend Derek, an active member of the Skeptic community who is mostly known for his fight against the anti-vaccine movement. Although Derek has been sharing tons of articles about vaccines and the harm currently being done by the anti-vax movement these days — after all, measles is on the rise because of parents opting out of the MMR vaccine for their kids — this particular article was about the role of religion in child rearing. Titled “Godless Parents are Doing a Better Job,” it summarized information in an Los Angeles Times Op-Ed piece titled “How Secular Family Values Stack Up.” That, in turn, summarized the findings of several polls and studies.

Because so many people seem to think that atheists and non-believers in general — the so-called “nones” — are amoral and likely evil, it was good to see an article that confirmed my thoughts on the subject: that belief in a God has no bearing on a person’s morals. I shared the article on my Facebook timeline with the following description:

Takeaway quote: “Parents who raise their kids without religion are doing just fine, studies say, possibly even better. Overall, not believing in God seems to make people and their offspring more tolerant. Less racist. Less sexist. Enviro-friendly. And their kids care less about what’s cool, which—say it with me—only makes them cooler.” That last bit also makes them more practical and more likely to live within their means — something that has made a huge difference in my life and my ability to be and stay happy.

My post got a modest two “likes” and, more surprisingly, two “shares.” One of the shares was by my friend Barbara, who used the description:

An interesting article, sure to stir up lots of discussion. And I would love to know more about each individual study. For me, the take home is that a strong moral foundation, no matter what you call it, is the key to successful parenting.

Clearly, Barbara drew a similar conclusion to what I did, although she did hint at skepticism by saying she wanted to know more about the studies.

Sadly, Barbara’s Facebook friends weren’t quite as open-minded about the piece. Most of them latched on to the unfortunate lede of the article:

Hate to break it to you, Bible thumpers: Parents who raise their kids without religion are doing just fine, studies say, possibly even better.

Ouch. Apparently, believers don’t like the phrase “Bible thumpers.” Although the author was trying to be cute, all she (not he, as those who claimed to read the piece referred to her — I guess there are some men named Tracy, although their profile pics don’t usually show a woman holding a small child) managed to do was alienate anyone who dislikes that trite descriptor. I suspect that most stopped reading there, because their comments were more about the author’s bias than what came after that first sentence.

I see a lot of that. People who simply switch off their brains when they get to a word or phrase they don’t like. It makes it tough for writers to get what they want to say out if they have to worry about a choice of words offending a particular part of their audience.

(I suspect that the title of this post will have the same affect. How many people will comment without bothering to read it? Read the comments and figure it out for yourself.)

I attempted to comment about this from the point of view of a non-believer:

I agree totally with Barbara when she says that a strong moral foundation is necessary. But I do not believe that God or any religion is necessary for that moral foundation.

This particular website tends to present articles with a very definite slant — likely to fire up emotions and get hits — but if the conclusions presented here are backed up by real studies, the presentation tone is beside the point.

I also do not see how she is singling out Christians in any way. And doesn’t really make a difference that there are more people who believe in God than people who don’t? The “nones” are a growing segment of our society. When faced with the choice of a country run by politicians who want to insert religion instead of science in our schools, I’ll vote for a “none” any day.

I then took it a step farther:

As you’ve probably guessed from my comments, I am a non-believer. But I was raised as a Catholic including regular attendance at Sunday school until after Confirmation. Still, I don’t think I ever really believed that there was a higher power in control of the show down here on earth.

About those studies…

I’ve had time to do some searching. Here’s some reading material for those of you who think atheists are amoral. Educate yourself:

Religion Doesn’t Make People More Moral, Study Finds,” livescience, September 2014.

Atheists More Motivated by Compassion than the Faithful,” livescience, May 2014.

Study Reveals Atheists Are MORE Compassionate And Generous Than Highly Religious People,” Addicting Info, May 2012

Highly religious people are less motivated by compassion than are non-believers,” UC Berkeley Newscenter, April 2012.

Atheists ‘just as ethical as churchgoers’,” The Telegraph, February 2010

Believers seem to think that without belief in a God to punish us for our “sins,” people will have no moral foundation for life. Studies have shown that this is not true. And no, unfortunately I cannot provide links to such studies at this moment. As a nonbeliever, I think it’s sad that people need to live in fear of punishment by God to simply do the right thing. I don’t need a list of Commandments to tell me what’s right or what’s wrong. It was not me, the atheist, who committed adultery – it was my believer husband who did so. It was not me, the atheist, who stole and misused funds given to me by people who trusted me – it was more than a few televangelists preaching the word of their God.

It’s the hypocrisy of believers — not all of them, I hope — that makes me angry. Yet I’m still very tolerant. As far as I’m concerned, people can believe whatever they want, as long as their beliefs do not harm others. Sadly, very few believers are tolerant of people like me who do not share their beliefs. Tell me: who’s on a higher moral ground?

I was ignored. The comments continued to revolve around the bias of the author, continuously referring to her as “he.” They were clearly made by people who had not bothered to read the entire piece or the piece it was based on. Instead, they took offense at “Bible thumper” and focused their angry comments on that.

Finally, I commented:

As usual, everyone misses the point.

And that’s when the attack turned on me. Someone said:

The point you’ve missed, Maria L, is that if you believe in God, it’s about love, not punishment.

It’s about love?

God is Love?

They Say God is LoveI remember “God is love” from Sunday school. In fact, it’s the only thing that sticks with me all these years later. I’d like to think that they tried to teach us more than that simple phrase, but, in all honesty, that’s all I remember. It’s almost as if it was pounded into our heads.

Heck, I don’t even remember any Bible stories being taught.

But even back then, “God is love” was meaningless to me. And as I sit here, I still can’t imagine what this is supposed to mean.

And if a belief in God is “about love,” then why do religious folks bring moral standards into the argument all the time? Why do they say atheists are amoral? Love and moral values are two different things.

Aren’t they?

Seems to me that the person who responded to my last comment was just regurgitating the same nonsense they pounded into our heads in Catholic Sunday school. It didn’t make sense to me then and it doesn’t make sense to me now.

In fact, given the history of the world, God seems to represent just the opposite: a reason to hate.

God and Hate

Try — if you can — to look objectively at the role of religion in current and past conflicts.

Nowadays, the big problem is terrorism by radicalized Muslims who believe that the world should be run according to strict adherence to Sharia Law. This set of laws is painfully outdated and ill-suited for today’s world. (Yes, that’s my opinion. Read the law objectively before you tell me you don’t agree.) Worse than that is the simple fact that since it is based on the Qur’an and Hadith — which have no bearing on non-Muslims — there’s no chance that it could ever be adopted by the entire world.

Yet there’s rampant hate, murder, and terrorist acts by these radicalized Muslims who claim that they are acting on the will of Allah — their name for God.

(Or is it a different God? I’ve never been able to figure that out.)

But it’s not just Muslims committing atrocities in the name of God. You don’t have to look back very far to see radicalized Christians bombing abortion clinics and killing doctors because of their beliefs. Heck, Wikipedia has a whole page dedicated to information about anti-abortion violence. Is this any different from Muslim terrorism?

And what about the Westboro Baptist Church‘s unsavory practice of picketing funerals — including the school children murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary School and those killed at the Boston Marathon bombing — to somehow protest gay rights. (Yeah, I don’t get the connection, either.)

You want some more information about Christians behaving badly? Check out Wikipedia’s Christian Terrorism page. (I didn’t even know there was such a thing until I started researching for this blog post.)

Hateful acts perpetrated in the name of God isn’t a recent thing, either. Look back in history and you’ll find the Salem Witch Trials, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Crusades. These are just three examples off the top of my head. I could spend all day searching for, reading about, and linking to other examples.

By why bother? I think I’ve made my point.

Non-Believers as Targets for Hate

I guess what bothers me most is how many people simply hate non-believers. I’m not sure why that is. If God is love, then surely that love should help believers tolerate the different viewpoints of others. After all, what is love?

Wikipedia defines love as:

Love is a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection (“I love my mother”) to pleasure (“I loved that meal”). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment. It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—”the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another”. It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one’s self or animals.

Yep, I added the emphasis.

If this is love and God is love then why are so many who claim to believe in God so full of hate?

Why can I, as a non-believer, have tolerance for religious belief systems when believers can’t have tolerance for mine?

Back to the Study Results

The article I should have linked to, the one without the offensive “Bible banger” phrase, is the one in the LA Times. If you haven’t read it, go do it now. It’s short and I promise it won’t offend you, no matter what you believe (or don’t believe).

It presents some conclusions that I find both confirming and reassuring. Because I know that most of you won’t bother to read it, I’ve shared a bit of it here:

For secular people, morality is predicated on one simple principle: empathetic reciprocity, widely known as the Golden Rule. Treating other people as you would like to be treated. It is an ancient, universal ethical imperative. And it requires no supernatural beliefs. As one atheist mom who wanted to be identified only as Debbie told me: “The way we teach them what is right and what is wrong is by trying to instill a sense of empathy … how other people feel. You know, just trying to give them that sense of what it’s like to be on the other end of their actions. And I don’t see any need for God in that. …

“If your morality is all tied in with God,” she continued, “what if you at some point start to question the existence of God? Does that mean your moral sense suddenly crumbles? The way we are teaching our children … no matter what they choose to believe later in life, even if they become religious or whatever, they are still going to have that system.”

The results of such secular child-rearing are encouraging. Studies have found that secular teenagers are far less likely to care what the “cool kids” think, or express a need to fit in with them, than their religious peers. When these teens mature into “godless” adults, they exhibit less racism than their religious counterparts, according to a 2010 Duke University study. Many psychological studies show that secular grownups tend to be less vengeful, less nationalistic, less militaristic, less authoritarian and more tolerant, on average, than religious adults.

Aren’t those all good qualities we want in our children and adults?

And look, Ma, no God!

Comments

Go to it. I know you have something to say.

I suspect this post will make the rounds of the religious websites, which will use it to show how evil atheists are. Whatever. It’s the same old, same old to me. I’ll just let those comments stand as they come in. I’m sure a good percentage of them will reinforce the truth of what I’ve written here.

I could remind commenters to read the entire post before commenting but most people can’t be bothered. The kinds of commenters who have nasty, hateful things to say don’t have time to actually read what they’re commenting on. They have lots of other sites to visit to spread their hate. It’s more efficient for them to zero in on a post title or sentence or phrase and comment on that.

But I also welcome comments by others who agree with what I’ve said — especially from those who can help me understand why this problem exists and what we can do about it — without pretending to believe something we don’t.

A Seattle Day Trip

Planned, executed, and enjoyed.

Wenatchee to Seattle Map
Wenatchee is nearly due east of Seattle. Malaga is under the “c” in Wenatchee on this map. The numbers mark the three passes over the Cascades between Malaga and Seattle: (1) Blewett (Rte 97), (2) Snoqualmie (I-90), and (3) Stevens (Rte 2).

I live in Malaga, WA, a small farming community on the outskirts of Wenatchee on the Columbia River. Although the small city Wenatchee offers just about everything a person needs on a daily basis, some things are only available in big cities. The closest big city is Seattle, 145 road miles away.

As I did when I lived in the Arizona town of Wickenburg — which had far less to offer than Wenatchee — I would often wait until I had multiple big city tasks to complete before planning a trip and getting those things done. Phoenix was closer to Wickenburg and I went there more often. (I actually lived there for a while during the 2011/2012 winter season; I was not very happy, despite the convenience.) Seattle, a three hour drive away, isn’t the kind of place I’d zip off to on a whim or to chase down a needed computer component or decent restaurant meal. (And it certainly isn’t the kind of place I’d want to live — too much cloudy weather!)

But as time went by, I accumulated “excuses” for a day trip to Seattle. I needed to get the battery on my iPhone replaced (under warranty) at an Apple store before November month-end. I wanted to buy cross-country skis without spending the $600+ dollars it would cost me locally for a setup. I was interested in meeting up with some like-minded people in one of the many Meetup groups based in Seattle.

On Saturday morning, a Meetup group notice in my email inbox spurred me to action. One of the groups that interested me was gathering for a weekly hike around Green Lake in Seattle followed by lunch at a local dog-friendly cafe. The hike would be at 11 AM on Sunday. I had nothing else on my calendar for that day. Within minutes, I was planning my day trip.

The Plan

The plan would start at REI’s flagship store on Yale Avenue North, right off I-5. I’d already done some online shopping and found a good deal on cross-country skis, boots, and poles that would save me $200 off what I’d pay locally. (I like to support local businesses with my shopping dollars, but I simply can’t swallow the extra cost these days.) I called the store and had them put the skis on hold for me. The store opened at 10 AM and it would be my first stop.

Next was the hike. That started at 11 and all I needed was the address for the meeting place, the stadium at Green Lake.

I’d finish up with a stop at an Apple Store. A quick search showed me one near the hiking destination, in a place called University Village. I went onto their web page to set up a Genius Bar appointment. I gave some careful consideration to the appointment time. I didn’t want it to be too early, forcing me to cut my time with the meetup folks. But I didn’t want it to be late, forcing me to drive home in the dark with possibly bad weather on the way. Finally, I chose 3:20 PM from the available times.

I then called Apple support and had them pull up the notes on my iPhone case. I wanted to make sure the there was no question about them replacing the faulty battery. I was assured that there would be no problem getting it done while I waited.

I entered all of these items into my calendar as events, making sure I included street addresses. When my calendar synced with my phone and iPad, I’d have them handy throughout the day.

The Drive

There are basically three ways to get to Seattle from Wenatchee.

  • The shortest route (time-wise) takes me north through Wenatchee onto Route 2 west with a turn onto Route 97 south. Route 97 is a relatively narrow, winding mountain road that crosses Blewett Pass at 4,102 feet. The road then descends down to Cle Elum, where I’d turn onto I-90 west. That’s a major freeway that winds up through the mountains and crosses at Snoqualmie Pass at 3,022 feet. After that, the road descends right down into Seattle, just a tiny bit south of center city. This is the route that most mapping apps and GPSes suggest.
  • The shortest route (distance-wise) takes me north through Wenatchee onto Route 2 west and stays on Route 2 through Stevens Pass at 4,061 feet. Route 2 is a winding mountain road and, although it’s a beautiful drive, it seems amazingly long.
  • The longest of the three main routes goes southeast from Wenatchee through Quincy to George where it picks up I-90. From there, it heads west through Ellensburg and Cle Elum, over the mountains at Snoqualmie Pass at 3,022 feet and down into Seattle.

Although I dislike driving on freeways, this was not a pleasure drive. I had a need for speed to make the most of my day in Seattle. In addition, winter weather advisories for the Cascade Mountains made it likely that snow would be falling overnight and possibly on Sunday morning. My experience driving in snow is limited — after all, I lived in Arizona for the past 15 years — and I wasn’t interested in a thrill ride. The way I saw it, the better the road over the mountains, the more likely it would be clear of snow and ice. So I chose the longest of the three ways, adding about 40 miles (but theoretically only 15 minutes) to my one-way drive.

(By the way, in case you think I’m over-reacting to a little weather on my drive over the mountains, consider the fact that WDOT has a whole section of its website dedicated to mountain passes. You can access live webcams, condition information, and restrictions 24/7/365. Indeed, when I was chatting later in the day with various Meetup members, two of them asked me about pass conditions when they heard where I’d driven from.)

I had to take my truck. Cross-country skis would not fit in my Honda S2000 with the top up and top-down driving was not an option with mountain temperatures in the 30s and a real chance of rain or snow. Although the skis might have fit in my Jeep, it’s a soft-top and can’t be secured. I didn’t want those skis disappearing out of my Jeep while I was on my hike or in the Apple Store. So my truck was the obvious choice. It gets decent mileage for a truck (about 15-18 mpg highway) and is comfortable to drive. It also has new all-weather tires.

I packed some emergency gear just in case I got stuck on the road: a blanket, some non-perishable food, some water. I already had tow-straps and emergency reflectors on board. (Note to self: buy flares.) I really didn’t know what to expect and wanted to be prepared.

By 7 AM, on Sunday morning, I was ready to go. The sky was just brightening and the full moon was illuminating the world around me where it broke through the clouds. The weather forecast called for good weather in Wenatchee and I had a few second thoughts about my trip to Seattle. After all, the weather forecast for that area was cloudy with a 40% chance of rain and a high of 50°. Not very pleasant. If I stayed home, I could get some work done in the yard.

Moonlight
I snapped this photo right before I left on my day trip to Seattle.

But I was really looking forward to getting things done in Seattle. So I put Penny’s coat on her and bundled her into the truck. A while later, we were on our way south. I had my phone connected to the truck stereo with MapQuest giving me directions and updated ETA info and Downcast playing podcasts from NPR.

There was weather in the Colockum west of Quincy. I’d been flying in that area just a few days before, on a wildlife survey flight. Low, fog-like clouds engulfed the hills and canyons offering glimpses of fresh snow. I thought about flying over the area later in the week and hoped I’d get the opportunity.

It didn’t start drizzling on us until we were on the freeway heading west, just getting close to Ellensburg. The sky was gray with a low overcast. The windmills appeared out of the gloom, rotating slowly as I passed them.

Snowqualmie Pass
Despite the gray, the thick snow in the pine trees made the scene beautiful.

As we climbed through Cle Elum, I saw the snow level not far above us. Soon there was snow on both sides of the road. The speed limit dropped from 70 to 55. Signs warned about slush on the roadway. Then the speed limit dropped to 45 as we climbed to the pass. The snow was thick on the pine trees and the road was wet with small piles of snow on the shoulders.

It was a non-event, really. The roads were not slippery and there were so few vehicles on the road that the going was easy. Soon we were past the pass and headed down toward sea level. The snow disappeared and even the rain let up a lot. It was a mere drizzle by the time we turned onto I-5 for the last two miles of our trip to Seattle.

REI Flagship Store

REI is a major retailer for outdoor sporting goods for active people — gear for hiking, camping, skiing, paddling, etc. They have locations all over the U.S. I know them from my New Jersey days, but also occasionally visited their Phoenix locations — especially the last year I was in Arizona, when I had become a lot more physically fit and active.

Although REI is not the cheapest source for sporting gear, it is one of the best. They carry good quality equipment at a fair price and have knowledgeable and helpful sales staff. Articles on their website, such as this one about choosing cross-country skis, are extremely helpful when making a purchase decision. They offered a discount on complete ski packages — which I needed — and were having a sale.

My Compact Truck
If it fits in a “compact” spot, it’s a compact vehicle, right?

With some difficulty, I maneuvered my pickup into the underground parking lot beneath the building. It was 10 AM when we arrived and cars were just pulling in. Because I foresaw the possibility of a difficult drive out of the lot once it was full, I backed my truck into a spot with a clear drive out. It wasn’t until after Penny and I left that I realized the spot was marked “Compact.”

I took Penny for a walk around the block. It was then that I realized what a neat facility I was at. Not only did they have a huge rock-climbing wall in the front of the store, but there were mountain bike and hiking trails for testing out equipment. The waterfall was a nice touch, too. Sure did drown out the sound of the nearby freeway, anyway.

I put Penny back in the truck and went in to take care of business. There was only one guy in the cross-country ski department and he was waiting on 5 people. He took a moment to pull my skis out of the hold area between helping other people and I tracked down the right length poles and style of boot. Eventually, it was my turn and he fetched the boots in my size. My luck: they didn’t have the boots on display in my size. Instead, they had last year’s model which were comparable but $25 less. They fit perfectly.

I want to take a moment to comment on how different cross-country skis are now compared to when I first began cross-country skiing in the 1980s. Back then, there weren’t many options; the sport wasn’t terribly popular. Nordic skiing hadn’t caught on yet. You’d buy skis strictly on the basis of your height. Boots weren’t boots — they were shoes that didn’t even cover your ankles.

Nowadays, you choose skis based on the type of skiing you want to do and your level of expertise. Sizes are based on the type of skiing, level of expertise, and weight of the skier. Boots are boots — they cover your ankles — and rather than rely strictly on laces, they close up with a combination of laces, zippers, and velcro. (No chance of my feet escaping by accident.) I have no idea how the prices compare; I can only assume they’re more costly. I spent $320 on my complete setup, including tax. But because I went with decent-quality intermediate level skis, I’m certain they’re the last skis I’ll ever need to buy.

Although I’d wanted to spend a little extra time looking at outdoor clothing, I had no time left. I reasoned that I could buy clothes locally and probably save some money if I kept an eye out for sales and closeouts. So I tucked my skis and poles under my arm, grabbed my box of boots, and headed back out to the truck.

Hiking with Strangers at Green Lake

I started hiking with Meetup groups last autumn when I returned to Arizona for my last winter there. I was very fortunate to find the Phoenix Atheist Meetup Group, which does weekly hikes on Sundays. It was a real pleasure to get out with a group of friendly, educated, and intelligent people. I blogged about it last November.

Although I love hiking around the Wenatchee area, I miss the group hikes I enjoyed all last winter in Arizona. So I was very pleased to find that the Seattle Atheists/Agnostics Meetup Group also did hikes, including a weekly Sunday hike around Green Lake.

I should mention here that I prefer hiking in a variety of locations. A 3-mile hike on a paved trail around a lake in a city park didn’t really excite me. I like a longer hike in more varied terrain with lots of new and different things to see and enough challenge to work up a little sweat. What got me interested in going on this hike was meeting new people and hiking in a new place. But if I lived in Seattle, I seriously doubt whether I’d show up for weekly hikes at the same venue.

I used the Maps app on my iPhone to get directions to the park. It was only a few miles away. Penny and I pulled up exactly on time. I parked and locked the truck, put Penny on her leash, and went in search of about a dozen strangers.

I found a likely group of eight or so people standing beside the pathway, chatting. “Is this the Meetup group?” I asked someone.

A man replied. “Yes.”

Remembering one Sunday the previous November when I’d run into three different Meetup Groups meeting in the same place, I asked, “Which one?”

“The godless ones,” he replied with a grin.

I gave him a big thumbs up. “I’m in the right place, then.”

More people came and we introduced ourselves quickly by name. The organizer announced that they wouldn’t be having lunch after the hike because most of the members were going to an exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum afterwards. They we set off on a walk counterclockwise around the remarkably round lake. I fell into place beside two men and we immediately got to chatting about various things.

The pathway was paved with a line down the middle separating the walking path from the biking path. Both were full. So was the gravel path on the inside of the curve. Lots of walkers and bikers and joggers and dogs. Penny was not well behaved and I had to keep her on a short leash. Over-stimulated, one of my companions said and I agreed. She likes to bark and chase other dogs, anyone moving faster than a walk, and bicycles. That accounted for about 75% of the people around us.

The weather held and even improved. Although it was somewhat windy, the wind wasn’t strong enough to be an issue. It put waves on the lake; ducks sleeping on the water with their beaks tucked under their wings bobbed up and down. A sole kayaker, looking odd in a life vest with a sweatshirt under it, paddled around. Overhead, the clouds whizzed by, offering the occasional glimpse of an airliner on final approach to SeaTac.

Later, the hike organizer joined us. The conversation turned to the topics that concern atheists, such as separation of church and state. We shared opinions on Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Jon Stewart. It was refreshing to talk about these things with like-minded people. Like Arizona, Washington state outside the Seattle area is very conservative and few people I know share my views on these things. I’ve learned not to talk about them until I know where my companions stand. Conservatives in the U.S. tend to be steadfast in their beliefs and will rabidly defend them to the point of offending those who don’t agree. Life’s too short to deal with that crap. That’s why I enjoy the company of a more liberal crowd who can at least debate a topic intelligently with an open mind.

We did the 3-mile walk — I can’t honestly call it a hike — in almost exactly one hour. Members of the group said their goodbyes to hurry off to the museum. I asked my companions if anyone was interested in getting a bite to eat. Several were. I dropped Penny off in the truck, grabbed my wallet, and joined them for a walk one third of the way back around the lake. I paired up with another man, a retired hospital administrator who was thinking of relocating to Ecuador. We talked about that and my career as a writer. There was a Peet’s Coffee shop just outside the park and we went in for coffee and breakfast pastries.

We hung out for nearly two hours, talking about all kinds of things: flying, women’s roles, navigation, health care, the U.S. budget, war, etc. Everyone with an opinion shared it based on facts. There were no crazy, radical opinions. Even when one of us didn’t disagree, we discussed it calmly, with no temper tantrums.

And they kept me honest. When I mentioned that defense accounted for half the U.S. budget, one of my companions said that couldn’t be right. I used my iPhone to pull up my source for that information on the Washington Post website and he was right. Defense accounted for nearly as much as the top expense item, Social Security, but not half the budget. I should have more accurately said that it was the second highest expense item after social security or that it and social security combined accounted for nearly half the budget. I admitted my error — mature, self-confident people are not afraid (or ashamed) of admitting mistakes — and the discussion continued without prejudice. In this day and age, people are so willing to accept “facts” as they are presented; it was refreshing to be challenged. It told me that the people I was dealing with were smart, informed, and not afraid to get the facts in a conversation.

How could I not like that?

Green Lake
Green Lake? It looks blue to me.

By 2 PM, I was ready to go. We had a 20-minute walk back to the parking lot and I had a 10- or 15-minute drive to the Apple Store. I did not want to miss my appointment. I put my jacket on and said I needed to go. I guess I wasn’t the only one. Everyone else got up to leave, too.

We walked back together, chatting the whole time. By then, the weather had cleared considerably and it had turned into a really beautiful autumn day. I snapped a picture before saying goodbye to my companions and heading back to the truck. I took Penny for a quick walk, used my phone to get directions to the Apple Store, and got back on my way.

Apple Store, University Village

University Village turned out to be a very trendy outdoor shopping center. You know the kind — they spread the stores out in a big area with walkways and streets between them to simulate a town-like atmosphere. It was very pleasant but not very easy to navigate and a nightmare to find parking in when you’re driving something akin to a monster truck.

I did find a parking garage near the Apple Store. It said the clearance was 7 feet and I knew that was okay because the REI parking garage had been 7 feet, too. But in this garage, my radio antenna scraped on every single concrete beam I drove under and I felt myself ducking at more than a few of them. I found an end parking space on the second level and got out, leaving the windows cracked for Penny. She didn’t seem to mind staying behind again — I think she was exhausted from her 3-mile walk spent straining against a 5-foot leash.

The Apple Store was a big open space filled with iPads and iPhones and computers and people. I made my way to the Genius Bar in the back and signed in with an Apple staffer. I was 20 minutes early. He suggested I go grab a cup of coffee — Starbucks was nearby — but I told him I’d rather wait. I figured I’d update my iPad and iPhone apps using the store’s wifi connection. He put me at a table in front of a MacBook Pro and I got to work. I also used the computer to check the weather for my return trip.

Right on time a Genius showed up. We reviewed my issue and he ran a diagnostic on my phone. Sure enough, I now qualified for a warranty battery replacement. He told me it would take 30 to 40 minutes and suggested I come back at 4 PM.

I considered fetching Penny for a walk but decided against it. I felt like having a bite of real food to eat, comfort food, perhaps. The weather had turned gray and drizzly again and with just a danish, an energy bar, and two cups of coffee in my stomach all day, I was ready for something warm. I wandered around the “village” and found a pasta place. I ordered a Mac and Cheese and read a book on my iPad while I ate.

I returned at 4 PM sharp and inquired about my phone. The staffer typed a secret message on her iPod and, a few minutes later, someone handed her my phone. The battery had been replaced at had a 49% charge. I’d charge it on my way home. I used an Apple gift card I had to buy a charging adapter that I needed and left.

Quick and easy.

The Trip Home

Of course, by the time I left, it was after 4 PM. Although I couldn’t see the sunset, it happened right around then. By the time I turned onto I-90 it was starting to get dark.

It was also raining. It rained for most of the drive back, getting darker and darker until it was night. I don’t like driving at night anymore and try to avoid it. But with Washington’s short winter days, it’s not really an option unless you plan to spend much of your time at home. I don’t.

The temperature up in the pass was just above freezing. There were a lot more cars and trucks on the road, too. But again, it was a non-event. I descended down toward Ellensburg, ignoring MapQuest’s advice to get on route 97. I’d driven Blewett Pass once at night in dry conditions; there was no way I would do it at night in the rain with the possibility of ice.

I stopped in Ellensburg for fuel and to take Penny for a quick walk. I missed getting a cup of coffee in one of those coffee shacks so ubiquitous in the northwest by about 10 minutes.

The rain had stopped by the time I got back on I-90. The rest of the drive went by in a blur. I made a quick stop at Fred Meyer in East Wenatchee to return a RedBox video and then drove home. It was exactly 8 PM when I unlocked the door and went inside with Penny.

I’d been gone for about 13 hours and had gotten a lot done. I was nearly ready for ski season — I just needed some clothing items — and had gotten my phone repaired. I’d also met a bunch of smart, friendly people on a walk in a new place. It had certainly been worth the drive.

On Right, Wrong, and High Horses

Edited March 22, 2013, 6:45 PM: Well, I’ve got egg all over my face, thanks to someone posting a comment with my niece’s email address. Thinking the comment came from her — and getting upset by the thought that she’d write such a thing — I said some things here that I now regret. I’ve since modified this post to remove the passages she might find offensive. My apologies to her. I only wish that we were closer; I would have called her to discuss the comment attributed to her before referring to her in this blog post. I would have also called to apologize for my error and any pain it may have caused her. – ML

An explanation for those who don’t understand.

I’ve been blogging a lot lately about my divorce and the emotional turmoil it’s putting me through. Although it’s not easy for me to do, it’s something I feel I must do. It’s part of my healing process, recommended by my grief counselor; writing out my thoughts and feelings help me to understand them. The blog posts not only help me (obviously) get things off my chest, but they document this difficult part of my life. And as I’ve discovered lately by the outpouring of supportive blog comments, email messages, and even Twitter and Facebook responses, other people have also been benefiting from the way I’ve been revealing and discussing my open wounds here in my blog.

I was surprised and saddened the other day, however, to get the following comment on my blog post, “On Marital Infidelity,” posted by someone using my niece’s email address:

get off your horse and smell the roses.You and only you and him can work it out, not by blasting away.Stop and move on like you always do.

It turns out that the comment was posted by my brother-in-law — my niece’s father — for reasons I’ll never understand. It seems truly idiotic that he used his daughter to get under my skin. He should know better than to post such a thing without expecting a response. He knows firsthand how the ordeal of my divorce is affecting me. His comment was hurtful and uncalled for; pinning it on his own daughter was inexcusable.

But rather than go on and on about that, I want to focus on what he said.

My High Horse and the Roses I Need to Smell

The Urban Dictionary offers several definitions of “high horse.” I’m pretty sure my brother-in-law means the first:

Arrogantly believing oneself superior to others, often by putting down large groups of people. In usage, such a person is described as “on a high horse” or may be told to “Get off your high horse.”

Apparently, my brother-in-law believes that I’ve taken a superior attitude in the situation of my divorce — that I think I’m better than others. I’ve given this a lot of thought. The only way he could possibly interpret my thoughts and feelings — as expressed in my blog posts — as evidence of a superior attitude is because he doesn’t understand the simple concept of what’s right and what’s wrong.

That made me wonder whether this is something (1) my brother-in-law doesn’t understand or (2) today’s society doesn’t understand.

In any case, it’s worth explaining; I’ll get to that in a moment.

My brother-in-law also apparently believes that I’m putting down my husband. My recent blog post, “Wanted: A Strong Man,” can probably be seen as a put down — although that’s not the post he commented on. It was a difficult post for me to write, mostly because of what I said near the middle of it: he wasn’t always a weak man. But I think I was honest. And I think the people who know him well — including, ironically, my brother-in-law — would agree with many (if not all) of my observations. Instead of looking at it as a put down, perhaps my brother-in-law should think of it more as a diagnosis of a problem — something my husband could fix if he wanted to, probably with professional help.

But I don’t believe anything I said in the post commented on — “On Marital Infidelity” — could be considered a put down. That is, unless my brother-in-law believes there’s nothing wrong with marital infidelity. More on that in a moment.

The Urban Dictionary also defines “slow down and smell the roses“:

this means stop stressing out, overthinking, or complaining. put your troubles in perspective and try to enjoy the short time you have on earth.

I’ve been getting versions of this from several people who don’t understand the gravity of my situation and the way it is affecting — and will affect — my life. It’s easier said than done.

Try, for a moment, to put yourself in my shoes. I’m 51 years old. I spent more than half of my life with a man I loved, someone who I trusted implicitly with my life. I have 29 years — now nearly 30 years — of memories with this man. Nearly seven years ago, I made the ultimate commitment to our relationship by marrying him, standing before a judge and witnesses to recite vows — promises — that actually meant something to me. I thought they meant something to him, too.

Oddly, things with our relationship started going bad not long after we made those vows. Perhaps he thought they would change our relationship? I don’t know. He never told me what he expected from me. He never told me what I was doing that he didn’t like. Instead, communications shut down and, after 29 years together, he actively sought a replacement for me — while leading me to believe, through actions, lies, and misleading statements, that he wanted to fix the problems with our relationship. He hooked up with the first woman who would take him and, after less than a month with her, dumped me on my birthday.

And since then, he and his new mommy have been fighting me in court and harassing me, trying to take away everything I’ve worked so hard for all my life.

And I’m supposed to “smell the roses”?

I don’t see any roses here. Do you?

Working it Out

The comment also included this cryptic phrase: “You and only you and him can work it out…”

I find this particularly painful because I’ve been trying since June to work this out with my husband. I can even argue that I’ve been trying since last March when I went to the marriage counselor at his request, hoping to fix the problem.

Although my husband’s initial request for a divorce came over the phone, it also came with lies about why he wanted the divorce. And since then he has agreed to meet with me in person only once — two weeks after that initial request. That lengthy meeting — full of tears on both sides, was also full of lies from him. And since then, he refuses to meet with me.

Do I need to share each of the long email messages I sent him, pleading with him to understand my feelings and explain himself to me? The mournful texts — like the one I sent him after dreaming about having sex with him? The angry texts — like the ones I sent after he left me copies of email messages I’d written that he’d been saving since 2008, apparently to take them out of context and use them as ammunition against me? Do I need to share every single attempt I’ve made over the years to try to get him to talk to me?

My brother-in-law should understand this. After all, I spent 90 minutes sobbing over the phone to him just a few weeks ago. Why the hell does he think I now cry every single day of my life? Why I can’t have a simple conversation with my lawyer without bursting into tears? Why I’m crying now?

So tell me: how am I supposed to “work it out” with my husband when he’s failed to be honest in any of our discussions so far and now refuses to talk to me? How am I supposed to get closure on this when I still don’t understand why he was willing to throw away everything we had together? Why he cheated and lied to me?

How can I get past this when I can’t get answers? When I can’t understand how a man who was so good and honest and loyal could do this to his partner of 29 years?

Right vs. Wrong, Good vs. Bad

Let’s step aside from all that and get back to the main topic of this post: my “high horse.”

It all comes down to my feelings regarding right and wrong, good and bad.

Throughout my life, I’ve developed a very strong sense of moral and ethical values: a sense of what’s right and what’s wrong. Simply said, I believe people should do the right thing, the good thing. I believe that the world would be not just a better place, but an amazing place, if we all did the right thing whenever we possibly could.

I touched upon this briefly in a December blog post that I wrote when I was trying to understand why my husband had lied to me: “What is Truth?” Honesty is right, honesty is good, honesty is something we owe to each other — especially the people who trust us. Lying is wrong, lying is bad, lying destroys trust and lives.

How about marital vows — you know, the “love, honor, and cherish until death do us part” stuff people recite when they marry. Doesn’t that mean anything to anyone?

Is it right to make a vow like that and then lie to your spouse? Is it right to make a vow like that and then cheat on your spouse? Is it right to make a vow like that and then lock your spouse out of her home and business property? To fight her in court in an attempt to make her homeless and keep her from her possessions? To subject your spouse to harassment week after week and month after month, hoping that she just gives you what you want and goes away?

Am I the only one who thinks that’s wrong?

And no, “everyone does it” doesn’t make it right, so stop feeding me — and yourself — that bullshit line. It’s wrong, pure and simple. No one can deny it. There is no excuse.

In my blog post about truth, I considered the fact that I might be naive. My brother-in-law’s comment on my blog post gives me reason to think about that again.

Am I part of a small minority of people who understands the difference between right and wrong? Or maybe just a minority that cares?

Have today’s societal values degraded so far that people no longer care about what’s right or wrong? To the point where someone who is being wronged is considered to be complaining from a “high horse”?

Have things gotten that bad?

Fighting for What’s Right

The Apparent Irony of An Atheist Fighting for What’s Right

I have to digress for a moment and a sidebar is the best place to do that.

As some people know, I’m an atheist. That means I don’t believe there’s a god (by any name) who oversees the universe, makes things happen, answers prayers, and punishes those who “sin.”

A lot of religious folks who don’t understand atheism think that atheists are bad. They think that it’s impossible to conduct yourself morally without the fear of God’s wrath when you do something bad. Oddly, these are often people who demonstrate low moral standards by lying, stealing, cheating on their wives, breaking laws, hurting others, etc. I’m not sure why they think this is okay — perhaps they don’t but are relying on God’s forgiveness to get into Heaven when they die. It’s almost as if their belief in God and their willingness to go to church and/or confess sins has given them a free pass to do whatever they want, no matter how wrong it is.

I can’t speak for all atheists, but I can speak for myself. I try hard to do what’s right and good because it’s right and good. I try to avoid doing what’s wrong and bad because it’s wrong and bad. I don’t have a god — I have something far more powerful: a conscience. My conscience is with me every day and it guides all of my actions. When I do something wrong, I pay for it immediately — with a sense of guilt: a guilty conscience.

Isn’t that more effective than relying on some supernatural being to reward or punish you when you die?

A handful of my friends have advised me to “give him what he wants and get on with your life.” Those people don’t understand me or what’s driving me. And apparently, neither does my husband.

Because although my husband seems to have forgotten the difference between right and wrong, I haven’t. And although my husband apparently thinks that I don’t care about what’s right and wrong, he’s very much mistaken. (I guess it’s just another example of how we’ve grown apart over the years.)

My good friends and most family members understand why I’m still dealing with all of this nearly nine months after my husband made the call that ruined every single birthday I’ll have for the rest of my life.

I have been wronged. I cannot simply walk away without fighting for what’s right.

I was discussing this with a friend a few weeks ago. He said he understood completely. “You have to be able to live with the person you see in the mirror,” he told me.

His words triggered an epiphany. It’s not about being difficult or seeking revenge. It’s not about putting people down or making judgements from a “high horse.”

It’s the simple fact that if I did not fight for what I thought was right, I’d never be able to live with myself. I’d never again be able to respect the person I see in the mirror.

I knew it all along but didn’t understand it until my friend made it clear.

And I think that’s why I began blogging more frankly about my situation. I wanted to clearly state my case. I wanted make it clear what I was dealing with. I wanted to make it clear why I was suffering so badly. Why I still cry so much — sometimes over the smallest things. The pain of being wronged is so incredibly fierce within me.

I expected readers to connect the dots — to see that I’d been wronged and draw the conclusion that I was fighting for what was right.

And then my brother-in-law’s comment appeared. That’s when I realized that not everyone understood my situation and what was driving me. I realized that although right vs. wrong is important to me, it’s not important — or even of concern — to everyone. Including, apparently, my brother-in-law.

And that makes me sad.

An Overnight Hiking Escape, Part I: Sedona

Sometimes, it’s just good to get away.

On Sunday, I joined the Phoenix Atheist Meetup Group for another one of their excellent hikes. This one was in Sedona, at the Soldier Pass Trail.

Sedona is not exactly next door to Wickenburg. It’s a good 2-1/4 hour drive if you drive hard on the scenic route that goes through Yarnell, Wilhoit, Prescott,Jerome, and Cottonwood. It had been a long time since my last mountain road drive with my Honda S2000 — in fact it might even have been way back in December when my soon-to-be ex-husband and I drove to Palm Springs for some kind of work-related event he had to attend. I definitely don’t drive that car enough. This hike was a good excuse to take it out on the twisty mountain roads.

(Of course, if the helicopter was in town, I would have just flown up there. From Wickenburg, it’s not even an hour flight. But that was not an option on Sunday.)

I left right around 6:30 AM to meet the group at the trailhead at 9:15 AM. It was just Penny the Tiny Dog and me, top down, speeding through the still-cool desert air. It was a typical cloudless day, and I suspected it would get pretty hot back in Wickenburg — definitely into the 90s. Another excuse to get the hell out of town.

Highway 89 Through MountainsI can’t really express the joy I feel driving a tight-steering sports car with plenty of performance at high speed on otherwise empty mountain roads. Two weeks ago Sunday was the first time I’d driven my car since leaving Arizona in early May. A few trips to Phoenix helped reacquaint me to its feel. But this Sunday, as I sped toward Sedona, we were fully reacquainted. I especially enjoyed the stretch of Highway 89 in the Prescott National Forest between Wilhoit and Prescott. The stretch of Highway 89A between The Yavapai Country Fairgrounds and Jerome would have been even better if I weren’t stuck behind a slow Prius for most of the trip.

We arrived in Sedona at about 8:45 AM — early enough for me to take Penny for a walk, get a second cup of coffee, and buy another bottle of water. Well, I thought it was enough time. Apparently, Heart of Sedona Coffee has the world’s slowest barrista. I ordered my coffee, paid, found and used the rest room, came back to retrieve my coffee, and still had to wait 10 minutes for him to finish making it. I wouldn’t mind, but there had been only one person ahead of me when I ordered. WTF? We rushed back to the car and made the short drive to the trailhead, arriving five minutes late and getting the last parking space.

The group was assembling and I wasn’t ready. I was still wearing jeans; it would be hot enough to wear shorts. If I’d been thinking clearly, I would have gotten changed at the coffee shop restroom. Instead, I hid behind a holly bush and got changed there. There comes a point in your life where you really don’t care who sees that you’re wearing panties with little pink flowers on them.

After a group photo and intros, we hit the trail. There were about 10 of us and one other person, Scott, had brought along his two small dogs. It wasn’t long before he let them off leash, so I decided to give Penny a try. She was great, either sticking with the other dogs or other hikers in our group. I didn’t have to worry about her at all. And Scott took really great care of his dogs and Penny, giving them frequent opportunities to drink and nibble on dog kibbles. (I wound up paying for his lunch later on to thank him.)

Soldiers Pass TrailThe Soldier Pass Trail is an easy-to moderate trail that starts at the edge of a subdivision and climbs into the red rocks north of Sedona. It has several interesting features: a sinkhole, several small pools of water, petroglyphs (rock art), and arches. A Jeep trail runs for a short distance in the area, making it possible to access the sinkhole and pools by high clearance vehicle. We stayed off the Jeep road and stuck to the trail.

The trail meandered through red rock and sandy terrain, starting out with just enough shade to keep you cool when you stopped for rests. This group is not a power-hiking group — we each hike at our own pace and can usually find enough other people at that pace to make small subgroups. Occasionally, most of us would wind up together in a shady spot for a rest or to take photos — for example, at the sink hole and later at the pools.

Coffee Pot Rock
A shot of coffee pot rock from the edge of the sinkhole.

The Sphinx

I’m pretty sure this rock formation is called the Sphinx; the sinkhole is in the foreground.

The trail climbed slowly but steadily — never enough to get me really winded. But the temperature was climbing steadily, too, and I’m still not accustomed to Arizona’s insane heat. I was sweating like a pig, so glad I’d changed into that pair of shorts. After a while, the taller vegetation thinned out and the trail was mostly in full sun. At around the same time, it started to get steeper, climbing up toward Brins Mesa. Fortunately, it also started to cloud up and that gave us some relief from the sun. A nice breeze also felt good against my sweaty skin when we paused in scant shade.

Rest Stop at Top of Trail

We stopped in the shade of this tree for about 20 minutes before heading back down the way we’d come.

We never saw the petroglyphs, but we did see the arches from a distance. I recall thinking that it wasn’t worth climbing up to them, but later, when we stopped about 2 miles up the trail, we were already higher than they were. There was a great resting place just short of the Brins Mesa trail, with a tree providing plenty of shade for six or seven of us to take a break. The view back toward town confirmed the fact that we’d climbed about 450 feet in elevation.

One of us, Prescott Jim, decided to go back along the Brins Mesa trail. That would add at least a mile to his return trip. Although I like doing loop trails, it was pretty obvious that the Brins Mesa trail would be almost entirely in full sun. I’d already sweat off a quart of water and wasn’t interested in losing two more the same way. We went alone and still managed to beat all of us back to the trailhead.

Going down was quicker and easier. We made fewer stops. I ran out of water and Scott very kindly gave me a bottle that he’d somehow managed to keep cold.

At the end of the trail, we gathered, rested, and had cold pop or beer. Then we hustled back into the cars and headed out to the Olde Sedona Grill. Although we had to carry the dogs through the restaurant, they were able to join us on the outdoor patio. All three of them were exhausted; Penny went right to sleep beside my chair and the poor waiter almost stepped on her three times while serving.

After settling up the bills, we went our separate ways. While everyone else headed back to Phoenix or Prescott, Penny and I hopped back onto Route 89A for a nice drive up Oak Creek Canyon. We’d be spending the night in Flagstaff for another day of hiking on Monday.

(Continued in Part II)