Two Ways to Hasten the Demise of Groupon and Its Clones

Enough is enough already.

I hate Groupon. That should be clear by now. I think that any business that can bring in more revenue than the businesses that it “serves” is a leech and not a “marketing partner.” While they’re telling merchants how they’re getting “risk free advertising,” they’re selling to cheapskate customers, most of whom will only buy at the 50% (or more) discount Groupon requires. Good luck selling again to those folks at retail.

So it pisses me off to no end when I get a call from yet another Groupon clone. This one, based in Scottsdale (supposedly; it’s more likely a franchise set up by someone suckering work-at-home dreamers) claimed to be different. I let the sales rep stumble through an explanation of how they were different before asking her (1) how many helicopter tours a person might want and (2) whether their friends would buy at retail if I’d established a history of offering 50% discounts through companies like hers. Then I told her I wasn’t interested and not to call me back. And I added her number to my growing list of telemarketer numbers on my cell phone so if she does call back from that number, my phone will ring silently and I’ll know not to answer if I happen to notice it ringing.

And after hanging up, I thought of two ways we can all work together to make Groupon and its clones go away. Be advised that I’m in a foul mood so my language is a bit NSFW in this piece.

  • Just Say “Fuck Groupon” This is the method I use. I refuse to be a Groupon (or clone) merchant and I refuse to buy Groupon (or clone) vouchers. I’m not giving them any business in any way, shape, or form. I’m also making the sales rep go through a bunch of their bullshit sales pitch when they call just to waste their time and increase the marketing costs before explaining, in no uncertain terms, what I think of their business model and “service.” (I can be a real bitch.) I’m also spreading the word about how bad they are for business and consumers by sharing links to fact-based reports from actual Groupon merchants, customers, and business analysts. (Seriously: there’s enough info out there to make one wonder how Groupon has managed to survive this long. Are there really that many suckers out there?)
  • Just Say “Fuck the Groupon Merchants” This is the method people who aren’t small business owners can easily use. Just buy as many Groupon (or clone) deals as you possibly can and then use them all up as quickly as possible — keeping in mind that a good percentage of Groupon merchants are already on the verge of bankruptcy and may not be in business if you wait. Be sure to come at the businesses’ most crowded times and complain loudly when you don’t get the service you might get if there wasn’t a half-off deal filling the place with other cheapskates just like you. Whenever possible, break the rules and use multiple vouchers to increase your discount potential. Then, if the buying experience isn’t perfect, go on Yelp or some other online rating service and give the business just one star with a review that exaggerates how crappy it is.

Now, in my opinion, small businesses already have enough grief that they really don’t deserve to be fucked over by Groupon (or clones) and cheapskate customers. So I’m really hoping you go with the first method.

Enough said.

Airlines are Still the Best Deal for Point-to-Point Travel

Seriously; their planes might be bigger and costlier to operate, but there are more people footing the bill.

It happened again this weekend. I got a call from a guy here in Phoenix looking for a charter flight. He started by saying that his dad had died in Salt Lake City and that he couldn’t afford the $600 airfare to get up there.

I replied with two very truthful things:

  • I was sorry that his dad had passed away.
  • The airlines were the best deal for a flight from Phoenix to Salt Lake City.

I gave him some numbers to back up that second fact. I get about $500/hour for charter flights. Salt Lake City is at least a 4 hour flight from Phoenix. I had to be paid for the trip up there and the trip back. So he was looking at at least $4,000 plus any overnight fees to keep me there until he was ready to come back.

Sure beats $600, no?

And I don’t have a beverage service or rest rooms.

He then proceeded to ask me if I knew anything about a charter operator who flew out of Scottsdale to Salt Lake City. I didn’t.

He then told me he figured he could find someone with a small plane, “like a Cessna,” who’d take him up there for $150. I told him that was very unlikely.

It was difficult to extract myself from the conversation without being rude, but I managed.

I get calls like this pretty often. I’ve had calls for flights to Albequerque, Las Vegas, San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, Houston, and even Montreal (which I still can’t believe; do you know how long that flight would take?). People assume that because my aircraft is smaller than an airliner, it would be cheaper to fly with me than with Southwest or United. This is not the case.

The simple truth of the matter is that airlines are the cheapest way to fly point-to-point if you need to go from one airline-serviced city to another. There are several reasons for this, the main reason being that the cost of the flight is covered by the 100+ people on the plane.

Yes, the cost of flying my helicopter between PHX and SLC is lower than the cost of flying a Boeing 737 between PHX and SLC. But I can carry 3 passengers; the B-737 can carry more than 150. So even if it costs me $3,000 and it costs the airline $30,000, $3,000 ÷ 3= $1,000 per person and $30,000÷150 = $200 per person. Doing the math, you can clearly see that the cost per passenger is considerably lower for the larger aircraft.

And that’s not even counting the money the airline is collecting for hauling mail and cargo on the same flight.

So folks, the next time you need a cost-effective way to travel 200 miles or more between two cities serviced by the airlines, just bite the bullet and buy the plane ticket. You won’t be saving any money with me.

Or if you’re that cost conscious and have a car that gets good mileage, just drive.

Adopting Charlie

The state of dog adoption in Arizona … and elsewhere?

Jack the Desert Dog
Jack, the desert dog.

Last year, our dog Jack became ill and had to be put down. It was heartbreaking for us. Jack was only about 10 years old and he was a great dog that was really part of our lives.

Since our lifestyle was in flux, with me away from home nearly half the year and Mike commuting weekly between our Phoenix and Wickenburg homes, we decided to take a break from having the responsibility of caring for a dog. But this past summer, we began talking about finding a replacement for Jack — for filling the void his death had left in our lives.

I knew several people who were taking in foster dogs. Wickenburg had a Humane Society branch and was looking for foster homes. It seemed like a good idea — to take the responsibility of caring for a dog when it was between full-time homes.

But I soon learned that the approval process for becoming a foster home for a dog was long and drawn out, requiring multiple interviews and visits to our home. I knew they’d never approve us — one of the things they required was an enclosed backyard and although our Wickenburg yard has a low wall around it, it doesn’t have a fence. We live on 2-1/2 acres of desert and our dogs have never strayed out of our yard — let alone far from our house.

So it looked as if fostering a dog was not an option.

I also inquired about adopting a dog from the Wickenburg humane society. It shouldn’t surprise me that they had the same requirements. Apparently, they thought it was better for dogs to live with them in cages than to live with a loving family who might actually give them a life beyond a cage.

I can’t tell you how angry this made me.

Early last week, Mike met a woman who rescues Australian shepherds with visual or aural impairments. She told him about a big adoption event at the Franciscan Renewal Center on E. Lincoln Drive in Scottsdale. She said there would be lots of dogs up for adoption. So on Saturday morning, at 10 AM sharp, we were among the hundreds of people who showed up for the event.

There had to be over 200 dogs up for adoption. We looked around; it was hard to choose. We were interested in border collies and Australian shepherds but didn’t need (or even want) a full-bred dog. Jack was a mix of those two breeds, so we were familiar with them. But we just wanted a dog that was smart, could be trained to mind us, and wasn’t too big. We were especially interested in a dog that could be trained to be out in the yard by himself — with us at home, of course — and didn’t need to be on a leash all the time.

We found a group that rescues border collies and saw one we liked. I asked about the dog, who seemed very timid. Jack had also been timid, but he came out of his shell within two days.

“Oh, that’s one of the Texas dogs,” the woman told me, as if I should know all about the “Texas dogs.”

“He’s from Texas?” I asked.

“Well, haven’t you been to our Web site?”

I admitted I hadn’t.

She then proceeded to show me a printed “catalog” — what else could I call it? — of dogs available for adoption and explained how the adoption procedure worked. It was the Wickenburg humane society all over again, but with this group, we’d get multiple visits by the dog’s current foster “parent” before and after taking delivery of the dog to make sure everything was okay.

I told her I didn’t like shopping for a dog in a catalog.

She explained that even if I found one online that I liked, it might not be available. Or they might recommend a different one based on our lifestyle. In other words, the catalog was window dressing to suck you into the process — the long, drawn-out process that made you question your worthiness for owning a dog — before you’d be permitted to give the dog a home.

At least those dogs had foster families. As far as I was concerned, they’d be better off staying where they were.

We inquired at a few booths that had dogs that interested us and got the same bullshit routine.

Let me set something straight before you all jump on me. I’m not so naive to think that all dogs go to great homes. I know that some people are abusive or adopt for reasons that might not be in the best interest of the dog. I know that not everyone takes as good care of their animals as we do. I know that many dogs spend most of their time in outdoor kennels or, worse yet, crates. Some are abused. Some are neglected. Some have really crappy lives.

But I also know that a dog that lives with us has a very good life. While we don’t permit a dog to sleep in bed with us — or even sit on the furniture — and we don’t allow anyone to feed a dog from the table during meals, we do treat our dog like a member of the family. He lives indoors with us and sleeps in our bedroom on his own bed. He comes with us anywhere we can take him. He’s well-fed, gets all his shots, and gets professional medical attention promptly if he needs it. We play with our dog, pet him for no reason other than to show how much we love him, and teach him tricks. Our dogs have always been well-behaved and devoted to us. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship — the way we think a person/dog relationship should be. Best of all, because I work from home, our dog is seldom left alone for more than a few hours each week.

So I know damn well that I can give the right dog an excellent life — far better than he would have living in a cage at the Humane Society or maybe even with a foster family.

I’m not interested in trying to prove it to a bunch of strangers who would be judging me by the type of fence I have in my backyard.

Fortunately, we did find a dog we liked in the booth of an adoption organization. In fact, we found three.

I knew this organization was different from the others — they’d put low fencing around the entire booth and most of the dogs ran lose inside it. (Most of the other booths had their dogs in cage-like crates or on leashes held by foster families.) They were all mutts, all healthy looking, and all getting along fine together. We’d stopped there on the way into the event — they were right near the entrance — and Mike had liked one of the dogs. That dog had been adopted during the 40 minutes or so since our first visit. No bullshit there; this organization wanted to find homes for its dogs immediately.

When I showed interest in one of the dogs, the woman in charge, Carrie, immediately offered to let me take it for a walk. Unsupervised, if you can imagine that.

It was a small black dog with short hair. She was about a year old; the woman still had its mother, which was part Australian shepherd. The dog didn’t want to leave the pen containing her friends, but I was encouraged to just tug her out on the leash. We took a short walk; the dog was very skittish. But when I knelt down to reassure her, she was fine. I could see that with a little work, she’d be a good dog.

Mike, in the meantime, was looking at another dog who was larger and more self-assured. He said the dog was alert and following his every move. He was also one of the few dogs there in a cage-like crate — I think that should have given us a clue about his personality. Once out on a leash, he was pulling Mike everywhere, sniffing everything, trying to get to know every other dog. He was not controllable — at least not yet. I walked him for a while and soon got tired of the pulling. That dog would need a lot of work to get under control. Were we willing to put the time and effort into doing it right? I didn’t think I was.

Charlie the Dog
This is Charlie in the truck on the way home from Phoenix.

We went back just as a helper brought back a black border collie that had just been to the dog wash. He looked terrible — wet yet still kind of matted — but reminded me a lot of Jack. We took him for a walk. Although he didn’t want to go with us at first, we didn’t have much trouble pulling him away. He was more confident than the little dog I’d walked, but less outgoing than the larger dog Mike had walked. He felt right.

His name was Charlie.

Charlie had been picked up by Animal Control — the same folks we used to call “the dogcatcher” when I was a kid — in Show Low, AZ a week or two before. He had a collar but no tags. No one had claimed him. Carrie’s organization works with Animal Control in Show Low and had picked up Charlie and brought him down to Phoenix. He’s about a year old and Carrie claimed he might be full-bred border collie. (I tend to doubt that, but don’t really care. I wanted a dog, not a label.) He’d been to the vet to be neutered and get his rabies shots just the week before.

He was a stray dog without a home. Just like Jack had been.

We decided he was a good match for us.

We filled out some paperwork and some money changed hands. Carrie’s helper helped Mike cut off Charlie’s old collar — the buckle was broken — and put on a new one. We put on a leash and left. Mission accomplished — same day — no interviews, no home inspections, no trial periods.

On the way out, we stopped to ring a bell the Franciscans had set up to signal an adoption. Peopled nearby clapped and cheered and congratulated us. The Phoenix Animal Care Coalition (PACC), which had sponsored the event, gave us a bag of goodies that included sample dog food, dog shampoo, a tennis ball, and PetSmart coupons.

Back at the car, I spread some throw rugs on the back seat. It didn’t take much coaxing to get Charlie to jump in. We rolled his windows down halfway, just in case he was the kind of dog who like to stick his head out. (He wasn’t; at least not then.) Then we drove him to the PetSmart near our condo and brought him inside with us. We bought him a new bed, some chew sticks, a dog dish, a water bowl, dog food, dog cookies, and a toy.

Back at the condo, we let him walk around to check the place out while we loaded up the truck. He was very interested in Alex the Bird. We put his new bed in the back seat of the truck beside Alex’s lucite box and coaxed him up on top of it. Then we made the long drive to Wickenburg, making two short stops along the way. He was very well behaved and snoozed for most of the drive.

At home, we fed him and made sure he had water before doing the odd jobs we needed to do around the house. We walked him around outside the house, both on and off leash. He stayed close by and showed no desire to run off. He chased a lizard under a woodpile and, when I called him, he came right to me.

Mike brushed him, removing a shopping bag full of old hair. (Better in the bag than on my carpet!) He looked a lot smaller — and thinner — with the extra hair gone.

We discovered that he didn’t know how to climb stairs, but Mike fixed that by giving him a few gentle tugs on the leash as he started up the stairs; once he got past the first four steps, he was fine. (No trouble coming down later, either.) When I sat on the sofa, he jumped up next to me and I told him to get down. We went though this three times before he understood and lay down on his bed, which we’d brought upstairs for him.

Later, after it had cooled down, we took him to the dog park. I’d been there once before, with Jack. Jack didn’t like playing with other dogs. Charlie does. We stayed for about and hour and chatted with the other dog owners. Most of them were pretty amazed by how well Charlie got along with the other dogs and how he already knew us, after less than six hours with us.

Last night, he slept on his bed or on the tile floor outside our bedroom door. He was quiet. He didn’t have any accidents in the house.

This morning, he came downstairs for breakfast with me. I fed him and he gobbled it down. Later, after breakfast, we fed him some more. We need to fatten him up a bit; he really is too thin. I’ll take him to our local vet on Monday, if I can get an appointment, and weigh him so we know how much he should be fed. I’ll also ask whether puppy food would be better than adult food for him until he’s at the right weight.

Today, we left the back door open wide enough for him to go out on his own. He stayed close by, except when he was chasing rabbits. He got into some cactus but managed to pull most of the bigger spines out on his own; we pulled the rest out while he waited patiently.

Later today, we’ll take him down to Box Canyon, where the Hassayampa River flows through a narrow slot canyon. We’ll see what he thinks about riding in the back of a Jeep with the side and back windows off and whether he likes water.

This week, we’ll buy him one of those soft-sided Frisbee-like discs to see if we can teach him to catch.

And I’m already looking into sheep herding training for him, just to see if he’s got what it takes to be a real ranch dog.

For the next ten to 15 (or longer?) years, Charlie will be our not-on-the-furniture, no-begging-at-the-table, no-jumping-up-on-people-univited kid.

He’s a lucky dog — even if most dog adoption agencies don’t think we’re good enough to have a dog — and we know we’re lucky to have him.

THIS is What I Mean about Coupon Deals Hurting Small Business

Customers think we’re so desperate for business that they won’t buy without a discount.

Prepare for a rant.

For the past two days, I’ve been fielding phone calls from the concierge at one of Phoenix’s big resorts — you know, the kind where people dump hundreds of dollars a night to be pampered at a secluded desert paradise in the middle of the country’s sixth largest city. A guest coming in November wants to take a helicopter tour. We must have gone back and forth about a half dozen times with pricing and tour questions. Apparently, a visit to Flying M Air’s Web site, which has complete information and pricing, was beyond the capabilities of the concierge in question.

On the second to last call, it was determined that the guest wanted a flight in the vicinity of the Salt River and Apache Trail. It’s a good match for Flying M Air’s Salt River Lakes & Canyons Tour, which is about 60-70 minute long and costs $695 for up to three passengers (not each) from Scottsdale Airport. I provided this information and the concierge said she’d get back to me.

She just called again. The client says that there aren’t three people on the flight. There are just two. And they’re willing to spend $495 for the same tour — as if it’s $200 cheaper for me to fly two passengers instead of three.

In other words, they’re trying to haggle my price down.

I told the concierge that would not be possible. She was very understanding and said she already told him that. But I doubt it. I suspect she was trying to help him haggle. (I also suspect that she’d still expect her 10% referral fee on the flight, thus digging even deeper into my pockets.) She apologized and we hung up.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am not so desperate for business that I’d be willing to operate my aircraft near or below cost just to take a cheapskate and his wife flying.

But what makes these people think they can get away with bullshit like this?

I suspect that the deep discount mentality fostered by operations like Groupon and its clones has something to do with this. It’s the whole “only idiots pay retail” mindset. It’s the idea that companies have inflated their prices so they can offer discounts.

News flash: All of my clients pay retail. That’s the only pricing I have. Take it or leave it.

And my prices are already among the lowest in the area. My Scottsdale-based competitor would charge more than $1,500 for the same flight. Would Mr. Cheapskate be offering that company $495 for their tour? That company wouldn’t even turn a blade for less than $1,000.

My policy is firm: no discounts, no haggling. My services are priced fairly and I will stand by them.

Besides, I have way better things to do with my time than deal with the kind of client who doesn’t understand the value of what he’s getting for his money.

First Maria’s Guides Book Now Available

I’ve rolled the dice on this crazy gamble. Let’s see where it takes me.

I’ve owned the MariasGuides.com domain name for a while now with the idea of expanding into the short, inexpensive ebooks that I know readers are hungry for. Unfortunately, until recently, I’ve lacked the time and motivation to put it all together and make it happen.

All that changed this week. With a light flying schedule and no new book or video projects on the near horizon, it seemed like a good time to take the plunge and begin developing the Maria’s Guides series.

I began with a topic I first wrote about last year: creating watchable video. I took the original articles, revised and updated them, and laid them out in a format compatible with the MagCloud print-on-demand service. I also made sure my InDesign files were ready for ebook exporting in the EPUB format so I could easily prepare the book for various ebook formats: Kindle, iBooks, Nook, etc. For help with that, I consulted the excellent Lynda.com course, “InDesign CS4 to EPUB Kindle and iPad,” by Anne-Marie Concepcion. (I’m still on InDesign CS4; a CS5 title is also available.)

The printed version of the book is available today, along with a special MagCould iPad app version. Use the link below to check it out and see a free preview online. The Kindle and iBooks ebook versions should appear over the next week or so. I still need to work out how to get them online using the tools available to me. I suspect I’ll be watching a few more of Anne-Marie’s videos this afternoon.

Of course, the Maria’s Guides website needs a complete overhaul. It’s seriously outdate and has broken links. That’ll likely be next week’s big project. It’s a real pleasure working on stuff like that in my new Phoenix office; the Internet speeds here are about 15x what I suffered with in Wickenburg.

I’m also looking for suggestions for new Maria’s Guides titles. What would you like to see me write about? Use the comments feature for this post to share your suggestions. Keep in mind that they don’t need to be computer related.

Making Movies: A Guide for Serious Amateurs

By Maria Langer in Maria’s Guides

64 pages, published 21 OCT 2011

Tired of turning raw video footage into ho-hum productions that make people yawn? Or, worse yet, just putting raw video out there and hoping for the best? If so, this guide is for you. It clearly explains how to research, plan, shoot, assemble, edit, and fine-tune video productions for just about any purpose. Richly illustrated with stills from an example movie, it’ll get you on the right track to making movies that’ll inform, entertain, and impr…