The Woman Scorned Playlist

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I’ll let these ladies sing it for me.

A while back, I got into a conversation on Twitter with @flymaine about the pop artist, Adele. I’d heard the name but didn’t really know much about her. @flymaine provided a link to her music video, Rolling in the Deep, on YouTube. If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a watch:

I watched the video and listened to the lyrics. Could she possibly be singing about an unfaithful partner? I tracked down the lyrics and read them. And when I got to this, I cried:

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all

This is what has been going on in my head since the reality of my situation hit me: While he’d been bouncing from one dead-end job to the next, with periods of unemployment in between, I’d been working my ass off to achieve a goal for both of us — a goal he helped me set for our future. While he was dealing with (and complaining about) the nine-to-five grind, I was doing my best to make us financially independent and get us a great place to go and work and play together every summer. But when it came time to join me as he’d promised he’d do, he made excuses to stay behind. And then, while I was gone this year — my best year ever — he dumped me for a woman he’d known less than a month.

We could have had it all — we almost had it all — but now it’s all gone. It’s still hard to believe.

The rest of the song pretty much covers what comes after the pain: the anger. I have that, too. Hell, it was almost as if she wrote this song with my situation in mind.

Or are there that many women out there who have been burned by men they loved?

And that got me thinking about the Scorned Woman Playlist. A list of songs that express what I’m thinking and feeling about my situation. I bought Adele’s song from iTunes and added it to a new playlist.

I already had another song for the playlist: The Carolina Chocolate Drops’ Hit ‘Em Up Style. I bought it about two years ago, back before I ever thought something like this could happen to me. The only video I could find was this live performance. It rocks:

This one is a lot more fun — and definitely more upbeat — but these lyrics still make me cry every time I hear them:

There goes the dreams we used to say
There goes the time we went away
There goes the love I had but you cheated on me
And that’s worth that now

There goes the house we made a home
There goes you’ll never leave me alone
There goes the lies you told
This is what you owe

“There goes the house we made a home” — that line hits hardest right now. As I pack and store and discard the things I added to our house to help make it a home, the place we made together is disappearing before my eyes. Every day it’s less like the place I spent the past 15 years of my life. Less like the place I worked so hard to get paid off by the time I was 50 and he was 55 — so we wouldn’t have to be slaves to nine-to-five jobs to pay a mortgage. So we could go into a sort of semi-retirement while we were still young and have some fun. Together.

In this song, the woman scorned gets revenge with a credit card. I wish it was that easy.

@flymaine also suggested Carrie Underwood’s Before He Cheats, but I’m not a big fan of country music. And her other suggestion, KT Tunstall’s Black Horse and the Cherry Tree, doesn’t quite say it like the two I’ve got.

Any other suggestions? Remember the theme: a woman scorned. Use the comment link to share your suggestions; I’ll add the ones that I think fit to this blog post.

Fresh, Healthy Food — Homemade

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I might not be “cooking” since I returned home, but I am keeping busy in the kitchen.

I’ve been back home just over a month now. I haven’t done much cooking — frankly, I’m eating out so often with friends and bringing leftovers home that I have no need to cook. I like cooking, but cooking a meal for one just isn’t much fun.

But I don’t mind fooling around in the kitchen to make other things. A week or two ago, I made a double batch of my oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for the folks at Peachpit Press, who just moved into new offices in San Francisco. They were apparently well-received.

The other day, my friend Tammy posted a recipe on her blog, Happenings on the Hill, for homemade yogurt. It sounded very easy. Since I’ve been consuming quite a bit of yogurt these days, I figured I’d give it a try. I successfully made a quart-sized batch on Monday; when that runs out, I’ll do it again. So easy!

Today's Breakfast
Today’s breakfast: homemade yogurt with pumpkin granola and a few fresh raspberries.

A few days later, Tammy posted a recipe for pumpkin granola, which she suggested as an accompaniment to the yogurt. With main ingredients of oats and almonds, how could I resist? I made a batch this morning. Because of my limited collection of baking pans, I had to modify the recipe a bit to ensure the granola dried out properly while baking. The results are yummy.

If you like to make good, healthy food from scratch, I recommend Tammy’s blog. You won’t find those crazy involved recipes that are so easy to screw up. Instead, you’ll find simple recipes for good, healthy food. And if you try any of them, be sure to leave a comment on the recipe post there to let Tammy know how you did.

Dinner and a Movie

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My last date — and an idea for my next one?

Way back in 1982 or 1983, I went on a date with a man I met at a bar. I was 21 or 22 at the time and I’m pretty sure I was at the bar with some college friends. In fact, I think my previous boyfriend was among those gathered for drinks. I can’t remember how we got to talking, but I suspect he was a friend of one of my friends. I can’t remember anything we talked about, but when he asked me out for a date, I said yes.

My Last Date

The date was dinner and a movie — and for the life of me, I can’t remember which we did first. It must have been dinner, right?

Dinner was at a place called Coco’s. It was (or is?) a restaurant chain in the New York area. I was living in Hempstead, Long Island at the time, in my first apartment. Coco’s was in Hempstead, but on the “nice” side of town. (Not sure if there is a nice side of Hempstead these days.)

I don’t remember what we ate, but I assume it was standard chain restaurant fare. I do remember the conversation, though. It was dominated by my date, who spent most of the time talking about his ex-wife, his religious beliefs, and the kind of furniture he liked. I felt as if it were a job interview for his next wife, where he was running through the qualifications for the position and telling me what to expect. The entire dinnertime conversation was a complete turn-off. The furniture bothered me most: do people still have Colonial American furniture?

So I wasn’t very optimistic about the rest of the evening.

Blade Runner Movie PosterThe movie was Blade Runner, the classic science fiction movie directed by Ridley Scott and starring Harrison Ford. I absolutely loved this movie — and today, it remains one of my favorites of all time. I loved the complex story, I loved the visualizations and style, I loved the characters, I loved the violence. I came out of the movie feeling good, ready to see it a second time.

My date, however, hated it. Absolutely hated it.

That’s when I knew there was a mismatch.

He drove me home and I let him walk me up to my apartment. But I did not invite him in. I think there was a G-rated kiss on the doorstep before I went inside.

He called me the next day to ask me out for a second date. That kind of amazed me. He was apparently either desperate to make it work or completely out of touch with reality. I set him straight. I told him I didn’t think we were a good match.

He tried one more time a few weeks later, leaving a message on my machine. I didn’t return his call.

(And in case you’re wondering, my soon-to-be ex-husband and I didn’t really date. We just started doing things together and didn’t really stop — until this year.)

My Next Date?

I think dinner and a movie is a great idea for a first date. Dinner gives you a chance to see what kinds of restaurants and foods you both like. It gives you an opportunity to discuss the things you both think are worth discussing. It gives you both food for thought for the rest of the evening and beyond.

The movie, of course, gives you an opportunity to share the experience of third-party content. Rather than both of you talking about what you want, the movie offers fresh input from someone else. How you both react to it can help you understand how alike — or different — you are. I know that if I hated a movie and my companion loved it, there could be a problem. But even a discussion of the movie can help bring out similarities and differences in the way you think.

Skyfall movie posterIf I got to plan my next date, it would be dinner at an independent (not chain) restaurant that offered healthy choices (like salads or grilled meats/fish) followed by an action/adventure flick like the new James Bond movie, Skyfall — maybe in IMAX.

The hard part, apparently, is to find someone who agrees that might be a pleasant way to spend an evening.

Grief Counseling: A Note to Friends

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I need your help; here’s how.

As some folks might know, I’m seeing a counselor to help me through the grief I’m experiencing at my separation and divorce. As I discussed in a recent blog post, the man I fell in love with is dead, at least as far as I’m concerned. Grief counseling is helping me deal with that loss.

My counselor gives me “homework” to do after each session. I did last week’s homework today in preparation for our next session. It consisted of two parts: a reading assignment and a worksheet. The reading assignment had some information I want to share with my friends — most of whom have been extremely supportive. (Even if you’re not one of my friends, if you’re experiencing grief or have a friend who is, read on.)

The reading assignment was a four-page flyer titled “Coping with Loss: Guide to Grieving and Bereavement.” It covers what you might expect: a definition of grief, a comparison of grief with depression, a discussion of how trauma affects grief. It also covers the “five stages of grief” — if it’s possible, I’m going through three of them at the same time, with an occasional dose of the fourth! I found the discussion of the suffering part of grief, with a list of the emotional and physical symptoms to be right on target. Unfortunately.

But what I want to mention here is some of the discussion regarding the support of friends. I’d like to quote a few passages that I highlighted.

Let people who care about you take care of you, even if you pride yourself on being strong and self-sufficient. Especially if you live away from family, true friends will have the shoulders you cry on until you begin to recover. (emphasis added)

Those of you who have seen me at my emotional worst will understand this. And I need to say again how much I appreciate those shoulders. Thank you. Your friendship means so much to me and is really helping me through this.

Some friends are a lot less comfortable with my emotional lapses. They’re not accustomed to seeing me upset, let alone crying. They feel helpless — and I really can’t blame them. But this passage offers some advice:

If people don’t know what they can do to help, tell them, whether it’s to go with you to a movie, cook you a meal, or just hold you as you cry. If someone is uncomfortable with your displays of emotion or need to talk about the person you lost, gently let him or her know that talking out your grief is part of your healing process.

And it really is.

The main thing helping me right now is staying active. I’m busy at home, packing for my upcoming move, but I can’t pack all the time. Going out with friends to dinner or a movie or even a drive or hike is really helpful. And if I can keep my mind off my woes, I’m a lot less likely to get weepy.

The final point is one I need to share with the folks who are trying to be helpful by sort of blowing it all off:

Don’t let other people tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel, either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.”

I will eventually move on and get over it. Really. I know I will. But not anytime soon. It’s something I need to work through at my own pace. Please don’t try to rush me.

So many friends have voiced their confidence that I’ll come out on top and recover quickly from this setback in my life. I know they’re right but I’m also glad they’re telling me. It’s good to hear it, it helps me stay confident when things are looking bad.

It’s the support of my friends that I depend on as work though my grief. Thank you.

A Dinner Out with Friends

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A perfect evening out.

Last week, I made reservations at a local guest ranch, Rancho de los Caballeros, for dinner. It was one of their pre-season “practice” nights, where the fixed-price three-course dinners are half price. That puts them well within my budget and the budget of most of my local friends. Not yet knowing who I was going to invite and how many people would join me, I booked a table for six. I then spent the week thinking about who to invite and asking them to join me.

I wound up with five friends — two couples and another single person like me. The two couples did not know each other and one couple didn’t know my single friend. I was actually the only one at the table who knew everyone.

And I was thrilled to see magic happen.

We met at the bar for a round of drinks. Gathered around a small table in the corner, seated on comfy bench seats and chairs, my guests got to know each other. Conversation never lagged. They soon found things in common — three of us are pilots, two were teachers, three were parents, two were doctors, several had lived in the same state.

We shifted to the dining room and sat at a long table with me at one end and my single friend at the other. The conversations continued. We talked about everything: flying, airplanes, airlines, travel, teaching, dentistry, plastic surgery, hormone replacement therapy, diet, restaurants, Washington, Michigan, Wickenburg, local neighborhoods and homes — the conversations flowed from one topic to the next with no serious disagreements or uncomfortable moments. True, we didn’t talk politics — how refreshing! — or religion or anything else controversial. We didn’t even talk much about my divorce-in-progress.

The food was good, the wine was great, the company was spectacular. Before the end of dessert, my friends were exchanging cards and phone numbers, offers to go flying together, offers to meet and talk more about certain topics of interest.

And that was the magic: introducing friends to each other and watching relationships take root and begin to grow. I planted seeds last night; even when Wickenburg is in my rear-view mirror for the last time, the seeds I planted will continue to grow.

I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed an evening out with friends as much as I enjoyed last night. Mature, intelligent conversation without whining, complaining, or petty nonsense. I guess that’s what happens when you go out with “grownups.”

Why am I blogging this? Mostly because I want to remember this night out. Years from now, when I look back in my blog at the posts I wrote during this difficult time in my life, I want to remember the good times, too — the good times I had with supportive friends.