Tag Archives: freedom

Freedom without Guilt

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Looking at the positive side of divorce.

My friends have all been incredibly supportive as I go through the divorce process. They’re constantly offering uplifting words of wisdom and telling me to treat myself well.

Another author, who I remain in contact with mostly via Twitter, said in a private direct message:

long time ago— after breakup—I asked myself—what couldn’t I do while still in arelationship—I went to art school. You?… travel…?

I responded truthfully:

I’ve always had a lot of freedom to do what I want. Now I have freedom without guilt.

And I think that sums up the situation pretty well. Although I’m still not sure how the divorce will affect me financially, I know it won’t change the core of what I do with my life.

My husband didn’t didn’t have any real direction — he’s been like a rudderless ship for a long while. I need a direction to move in, so I made my own. My husband always gave me the freedom to do that. (I think that’s where our relationship was far better than average — we gave each other the freedom to do what we wanted.) He also followed my lead in many things: learning to ride motorcycles, owning and riding horses, and learning to fly are just three examples.

Although he never complained about us mostly doing “my” things — until it was too late and the marriage was over — near the end I felt a sort of unspoken resentment from him when I did or suggested doing things he didn’t approve of. When I carried on — as I always did when he said nothing to stop me — I felt deep down inside that things weren’t quite right, but could never identify the source of the feeling.

I realize now that it was guilt.

His unspoken cues signaling disapproval of certain decisions and actions were picked up by my subconscious, making me feel guilty without knowing why. The feeling manifested itself as a sort of uneasiness that made what I was doing just a little less enjoyable. Or, worse yet, made me doubt, for no logical reason, whether what I was doing was right.

That’s all gone now. Without the disapproving frowns and glares, I can get on with my life without feeling guilty. That is, by far, the best outcome of this divorce.

It’s a real shame that he didn’t speak up and communicate better with me while we were together. I think a lot of the problems that we had in the last few years would’ve been resolved before they eventually destroyed our marriage. Communication was always a one-way street with us. He claims I never gave him a chance to speak, but in reality he never really tried to.

Hell, I don’t talk all the time.

One of the things I’m looking for in my next partner is someone who can always be honest with me and communicate exactly what’s on his mind. I’d rather be with someone who lets me know — in no uncertain terms — when he’s not happy with me than feel that uneasy sensation of guilt when I’m doing something he doesn’t approve of.

Bin Laden May Be Dead, But He Won

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He wanted to change our world for the worse — and he did.

I just finished reading a very accurate essay on the CBC Web site, “The Devil likely died happy” by Neil Macdonald. As my fellow countrymen rejoice in the streets — like Taliban members did when more than 3,000 Americans were killed on September 11, 2001 — it takes a Canadian to look at Osama bin Laden’s death with 20-20 vision. I urge you to read his essay, in its entirety. It’s a sobering look at reality.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m happy bin Laden is dead. To me, he’s the equivalent of Hitler, Stalin, or any other man who used the death of innocents to achieve his personal goals. While some people are claiming we should have captured him and put him on trial, I really don’t care that we didn’t. The news of his death gave the American people a much-needed shot in the arm. And I’m sure that on some level, it’ll bring closure to the the people who lost loved ones on 9/11.

But will it change anything? Will it bring back the pre-9/11 world that so many of us remember and miss?

What do you think?

So, as Mr. Macdonald pointed out with numerous examples in his excellent and thoughtful essay, bin Laden achieved his goals beyond his wildest dreams. He made us paranoid, he increased our hatreds, he divided us as a people. He caused our government to take away liberties and subject us to policies that were in direct conflict with our beloved Constitution. He caused us to start wars on two fronts, wars that burden the American economy and put our young service people at risk every single day.

He changed our way of life.

And isn’t that what he wanted all along?

The quote that hits home from Mr. Macdonald’s piece is this:

But bin Laden didn’t just prod Americans into disregarding their own laws and principles when dealing with their real and supposed enemies; he goaded them into turning on each other.

And so he has. And even in his death, the splits among Americans are drawn and widened. This morning, I read two essays by conservative pundits taking exception with our President’s speech last night, a speech in which they said that he took too much credit for bin Laden’s death. They can’t be satisfied that a national goal has been achieved. Instead, they need to turn it into a political argument over words in a speech announcing a true “Mission Accomplished” to the nation. As if Bush or McCain or anyone else from their side of our country would have done it differently.

One nation, indivisible? I wish.

No, I don’t think bin Laden’s death will change anything.

The TSA will still require us to get half undressed, dump our water bottles, and go without nail clippers when we fly. They’ll still subject us to unreasonable search using potentially dangerous and extremely intrusive X-ray devices or pat-downs.

The political pundits will still find fault with the other side. Conservatives and liberals will still disagree on everything. Media grabbing presidential wannabes will still go on-air spouting lies to sway public opinion.

We’ll still have thousands of troops in the middle east, fighting an enemy they can’t beat, coming home broken — mentally or physically (or both) — or in body bags. Government contractors will still be overpaid to support them while services the American public needs are cut to pay for our wars.

The hate will continue to spew out of the mouths of close-minded people who have nothing better to think about than how someone different from them has no right to be on American soil.

Nothing will change. Bin Laden may be dead, but his legacy continues to live in America.

And I cannot imagine anything sadder than that.