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Message to Old Guys: Get a Grip and Grow Up

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Your old way of thinking is not welcome in today’s world.

What triggered this post — which I hope I can keep brief — is some interaction with members of a boating forum that I joined and actively participate in to get answers to my questions about boating.

I’m relatively new to “serious” boating — the kind of boating where you actually go someplace, sleep on the boat, and need to know how all (or at least most) systems work so you can troubleshoot problems as you travel. Day-tripping in a boat when you’re never more than an hour or two hour away from your marina slip or boat trailer isn’t quite the same — if you’ve done both, I’m sure you understand.


The MTOA Burgee flies on the bow of my boat. It will soon be joined by a custom burgee I had made for my Great Loop cruising.

As a newbie to this kind of boating, I have lots of questions and I look for answers from experienced “experts.” To that end, I joined MTOA, which stands for Marine Trawler Owners’ Association. My Ranger Tug R-29 CB is considered a “trawler” style boat, although it’s on the smaller end of the scale. Captain Paul, who I cruised the Hudson River, Erie Canal, and Great Lakes with back in 2021, was a member of MTOA and that’s how I learned about the organization. He flew the MTOA burgee and now I do, too.

MTOA’s primary feature is its forums where you can ask questions, post comments, and get answers and additional input from other boat owners. These guys fall into a few categories: relative newbies like me with questions, experienced good guys who provide answers without passing judgement, and experienced (maybe?) not-so-good guys who always seem to chip in their opinions, which may or may not be helpful.

You know: the same kind of mix you’d find in any forum. The big difference here is there there’s a moderator who does not tolerate insults or name-calling, so it stays, for the most part, relatively civil.

Old Guys

I don’t mean Old Guys as an ageist insult. It’s merely a category of men over a certain age. What that age is, I’ll leave up to you. Old Guys (or OGs, as an OG friend of mine calls himself) come in two flavors: OGs with modern thoughts, ideas, and opinions and OGs with old fashioned thoughts, ideas, and opinions. It’s this second flavor I have a problem with. It’s 2022, not 1952.

Now I haven’t taken any kind of survey, but based on the kinds of boats and the posts being shared by other members, I’m willing to bet good money that the vast majority of members — or at least those who participate in the forums — are men over 50 years old. I’ll go further to say that most members are probably retired — or at least old enough to be retired. They are, by definition, Old Guys. And no, there aren’t many women in the forums. In fact, I haven’t seen a post from a woman (other than me) in the forums in weeks.

Old Guys Being Jerks

I’ve been participating in the forums now for over a month and I tend to ask questions I think other members might be able to answer. I generally do get helpful answers. But every once in a while, I get an “answer” that isn’t an answer at all. Instead, it’s a thinly veiled criticism worded carefully enough to get past the moderator (who admittedly does not look at every single post).

For example, in early November, I posted this:

I spent much of October on the loop between Chicago and Alton near St. Louis. I’d been hoping to get as far as Paducah or Turtle Bay by now but a nervous crewmember and logistics slowed us down. I’m on a plane heading home for 3 weeks now and will return to continue the loop at the end of November.

I’m looking for anyone else heading south as late as me to possibly buddy boat as far as Turtle Bay. I’m not a member of the AGLCA so I can’t post there. I’m hoping to spread the word anyway. I can be reached at boating@marialanger.com.

(I should mention here that I don’t belong to AGLCA (American Great Loop Cruisers Association) because of the heavy-handed forum “moderation” by the organization’s owner. She didn’t like my post about the organization here on my blog and used her power to silence me on the forum when I shared information about my ill-fated crew member gig that summer (without using any names). In my opinion, I didn’t do anything wrong and several members came forward publicly and privately to back me up. When she had an opportunity to talk to me about this in person this past spring, she did not. Can I be expected to support her organization with my hard-earned money after that? I think not.)

I got a bunch of forum responses that offered advice about buddy boats, cruising that section of the loop, and even a few folks interested in joining me as a crewmember. For the most part, good, non-judgemental advice. But I also got this:

I can’t quite understand why you don’t just join AGLCA.
Cost?
A small price to pay for the potential benefits, especially as part of the cost of the trip, whether a partial or a complete loop. Amortized over 4000+ miles, it’s a pittance.
Content?
All sorts of stuff to be learned, benefiting from the collective knowledge and experience of a few thousand folks, with all sorts of various backgrounds.
You may even be fortunate enough to meet Herb!

First of all, I did not want to be drawn into a discussion about why I’m not a member of that organization. Second, I was offended by the insinuation that I was being cheap. I responded:

I belonged to AGLCA and didn’t like the attitude of the “organization” towards its “members.” I’d rather not get more specific here. So I did not renew. I am a principled person and refuse to give my hard earned money to companies I cannot, in good conscience, support.

From that point, it nearly evolved into an AGLCA bashing thread — I’m not the only one who has problems with that organization — but the moderator stepped in and stopped it.

Later, on the same forum topic, someone posted this:

I am just puzzled why AGLCA boats have to post their vessel movements and plans on the MTOA forum. The AGLCA forum is for that. I am a member of both forums but prefer to keep the topics and and discussions separate to the individual forums

Safe Cruising.

How’s that for a direct poke at me? I wasn’t going to let it pass. I replied:

As I mentioned in my original message, I am not a member of AGLCA so it is not possible for me to post there. I know that other loopers are members of this organization so I reached out here — and I’ve been successful making contact with a few helpful MTOA members.

I don’t recall any rules saying that cruising the great loop was off-topic for MTOA. I also do not recall it being a requirement to join AGCLA in order to complete or cruise on the great loop.

I hope this clears things up for you. Safe cruising to you, too.

Neither of these clowns has come back for more.

Then there was the stern anchor debacle. Anchoring is a highly controversial subject with experienced boaters and I should have known better than to ask this question:

With apologies to the folks who also read TugNuts, this is a repost here:

My boat is on the Great Loop right now and I’ll be returning to join it at month end. I plan to do a lot of anchoring over the winter. Notes on more than a few anchorages have suggested using a stern anchor to prevent the boat from possibly drifting into a channel or shore in tight anchorages. Most of the anchorages are in mud, gravelly mud, or sand with good holding and a light current. What I’ve experienced in the past is movement due to wind more than current.

I want to get the smallest, lightest stern anchor that’ll do the job so it’s easy to stow and easy to handle. Looking for recommendations. Bonus points for a complete “kit” I can buy on Amazon or West Marine and have it shipped right to the boat.

I should add here that I don’t need the BEST solution. I just need a solution that will work. This might be something I use just once or twice a month.


This is the anchor I wound up buying: a Fortress FX-11. Most folks recommended the next larger size (or even larger) but some friends of mine with an R-31 (2-3 feet larger than my boat) use this as their stern anchor. It’s 7 pounds of aluminum in a very well-regarded design from a well-regarded manufacturer. Anchor, chain, and rode cost about $300 on Amazon; I had it shipped right to the marina where the boat is waiting for me.

(TugNuts is another forum I participate in. It’s a support forum for owners of Ranger Tugs and Cutwater boats so I use it for boat-specific questions. I recently got an answer to a vexing chartplotter issue there.)

Although most answers were genuinely helpful and I wound up buying an anchor that would have satisfied most respondents, I did get this after I already reported on what I had bought:

Is this your second anchor or third?

Why don’t you want the best?

IMHO, Good seamanship would dictate that you always prepare for the worst. Otherwise you are making a recipe for failure.

When you use this anchor, the situation probably warrants it, therefore you do want the best. Get the biggest best anchor you can handle.

While his final paragraph does offer good advice, the rest of his message indicates that he did not fully read my original post. I replied:

This is a stern anchor for a 32 foot boat with a 2 1/2 foot draft. I may use it once or twice a month.

Why don’t I want the best? Of course I want the best. But I don’t have the money or the storage space for the best.

To his credit, he replied with some good and useful information. I’d been ready to write him off as a jerk but I don’t think I have to. Yet.

The Problem with Some Old Guys

You don’t have to be a genius to know what’s going on here. These are guys who grew up in an era when women were “helpmates” who raised their kids, cleaned their homes, did their laundry, and cooked their meals. On board their boats, the wives do pretty much the same thing, minus the kids and plus handling dock lines and socializing with the other “first mates” they meet along the way.

These guys are bothered — whether they realize it or not — by the mere idea of a woman owning and operating her own boat, often by herself. I rock their world view and they don’t like it. So they need to keep me in my place by pointing out what they see as my errors.

When I post a question to expand my knowledge, they see it as proof that I don’t know what I’m doing and they have to set me straight with their highly opinionated feedback. It’s almost as if I’m walking into a trap by simply asking a question.

(Or maybe they’re just assholes to everyone.)

What I don’t think they expect is that I won’t run away with my tail between my legs. I will respond to their passive-aggressive comments with my own and expose them as the opinionated assholes they are. I have no patience for bullshit.

As a paying MTOA member, I have every right to participate in the forums and extract the information I need that so many members are willing and able to provide. Likewise, I hope to eventually be able to answer the questions posted by other newbies. That’s what forums are for; that’s what makes them valuable to members. I’m not going to be bullied by anyone in my quest to learn.

Especially not some old guys with old ideas.

Comments Turned Off and On

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WordPress turns off commenting; I turn it back on.

Speech bubble

Long story about how I discovered it, so I won’t go into that here. What I discovered is that one of the recent WordPress updates turned off commenting for any post more than 28 days old.

This blog has been up and running since October 2003. Although some of the 2,000+ blog posts are so outdated that they really shouldn’t be commented on (and, indeed, I occasionally delete the ones that have no relevance at all anymore), most of them are still relevant in one way or another. Why turn off comments for them?

This is the second time that I caught a WordPress update changing blog settings.

Anyway, I removed the time limit for blog comments so you should be able to comment on any blog post, no matter how old, unless I manually turned off comments for that post. Remember, comments are moderated, although many regular readers/commenters have earned whitelist status and will see their comments appear immediately after posting. Likewise, abusers have been added to a blacklist and their comments never appear.

If you post a comment and don’t see it immediately, have a little patience. I’ve been traveling since December and am occasionally in areas where I can’t get email and monitor website traffic or comments. I eventually get to the comments to respond, approve, or do both for new comments coming in.

Why I’m Not Blogging about Politics

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A post in which I proceed to blog about politics.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I’m very involved there with politics. But if you follow this blog, you know that I very seldom blog about it.

I’ll make my position clear here just once: I don’t like Donald Trump. I think he’s a conman who isn’t sincere about anything he promised his base during the campaign. I think his only goal as president is to make himself and his family richer by playing the system any way he can. I think that the only reason he’s a [supposed] billionaire is because he started life with millions he got from his father, consistently cuts project costs by not paying his contractors what he owes them, and has been bailed out after more than a few bad business decisions. For Pete’s sake, the guy has six bankruptcies under his belt — doesn’t that speak volumes? How people can trust and believe in a conman like this is beyond me.

I think he’s semi-literate, a guy with a tiny vocabulary who can’t be bothered to prepare for meetings or speeches because he thinks he can bluff his way through them — and everyone lowers their standards to make sure he does.

I also think he’s a crazy narcissist who needs constant ego stroking, a true man-child who can only focus on things that affect him personally. I think he’s delusional in the sense that he rewrites events in his own mind to fit the narrative he wants to tell about himself and then actually believes the new story. Simply said, he believes his own lies.

I think members of his staff likely did collude with Russia during the election — and maybe he did, too — and that Putin definitely has enough dirt on him to make him march to his tune. I think he’s hiding far more than he’s revealing and I’m sure that what he’s hiding is plenty to be ashamed of.

And no, I don’t want to debate it. So save your pro-Trump comments for some other blog.

And yes, I would like to see him removed from office. Impeachment would be nice. So would a resignation. Heck, I’d probably celebrate if he just dropped dead of a heart attack.

(Not that I think Pence is good for this country, but that’s a whole other story.)

But that doesn’t mean I’m one of the rabid left wing anti-Trump kooks that are making fools of themselves by believing every single Trump conspiracy theory thrown at them.

And I’m outraged by the people cooking up these theories and pushing them. While it’s possible that these people actually believe the nonsense they’re spouting, I think it’s a lot more likely that they’re trying to secure a position for themselves on the far left like Alex Jones’s position on the far right: offensive nut jobs who can turn a buck by building a following of gullible people on the left who are desperate for any hope that Trump will be removed from office in shame.

And I’m fed up with people who tweet and retweet these theories and then get upset with me when I advise them not to believe anything until it’s published by a credible news source. As if I’m somehow “the enemy” because I’m not as gullible and desperate as they are.

Seriously?

I recently changed the tweet pinned to the top of my Twitter profile page in an effort to advise people who are going nuts these days over what they’re seeing and reading and believing. Will it help? Probably not. But it’s my new mantra when it comes to politics: “PAY ATTENTION, everyone. Think before you react. Check before you believe. And, for pete’s sake, CALM DOWN!”

While there are similarities and differences between our current state of political affairs and the Watergate scandal that brought down Nixon, I have full confidence that the legal system will do the right thing when it comes to dealing with Trump.

Eventually.

Until then, I see no reason to blog about politics anymore. I have more interesting — and positive — things to write about.

—

Want to comment on this post? Comments are open — for now. But there are a few strings attached.

First, read the Comment Policy. You’ll find a very informative comic there about “free speech” that perfectly illustrates my thoughts on the matter. If your comment violates this policy in any way, it will be deleted before it even appears. Even I won’t read it.

Second, if your comment mentions Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama (or emails or Benghazi, etc.) as a reason for supporting Trump now, today, after all the shit that’s come down since the election, I will delete your comment. If you can’t make a 2017 argument for supporting Trump, you obviously haven’t thought much about what’s going on and have nothing worth sharing here. Go back to your Fox News bubble and leave the rest of us who actually care about the future of our country alone.

Third, don’t expect me to debate with you on the merits of Donald Trump. I won’t. No matter how nicely you present your argument, thus getting it past moderation, I will not reply. I’ve said everything I have to say above and you cannot convince me that I’m wrong about any of it.

If you want to respond to someone who has commented, keep that comment policy in mind. And keep it civil. If I don’t spend all of my time moderating this post’s comments, the comments will stay open. But if moderation becomes a chore, I’ll shut it down.

Seriously, I have better things to do with my time than deal with MAGA trolls.

On Right, Wrong, and High Horses

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Edited March 22, 2013, 6:45 PM: Well, I’ve got egg all over my face, thanks to someone posting a comment with my niece’s email address. Thinking the comment came from her — and getting upset by the thought that she’d write such a thing — I said some things here that I now regret. I’ve since modified this post to remove the passages she might find offensive. My apologies to her. I only wish that we were closer; I would have called her to discuss the comment attributed to her before referring to her in this blog post. I would have also called to apologize for my error and any pain it may have caused her. – ML

An explanation for those who don’t understand.

I’ve been blogging a lot lately about my divorce and the emotional turmoil it’s putting me through. Although it’s not easy for me to do, it’s something I feel I must do. It’s part of my healing process, recommended by my grief counselor; writing out my thoughts and feelings help me to understand them. The blog posts not only help me (obviously) get things off my chest, but they document this difficult part of my life. And as I’ve discovered lately by the outpouring of supportive blog comments, email messages, and even Twitter and Facebook responses, other people have also been benefiting from the way I’ve been revealing and discussing my open wounds here in my blog.

I was surprised and saddened the other day, however, to get the following comment on my blog post, “On Marital Infidelity,” posted by someone using my niece’s email address:

get off your horse and smell the roses.You and only you and him can work it out, not by blasting away.Stop and move on like you always do.

It turns out that the comment was posted by my brother-in-law — my niece’s father — for reasons I’ll never understand. It seems truly idiotic that he used his daughter to get under my skin. He should know better than to post such a thing without expecting a response. He knows firsthand how the ordeal of my divorce is affecting me. His comment was hurtful and uncalled for; pinning it on his own daughter was inexcusable.

But rather than go on and on about that, I want to focus on what he said.

My High Horse and the Roses I Need to Smell

The Urban Dictionary offers several definitions of “high horse.” I’m pretty sure my brother-in-law means the first:

Arrogantly believing oneself superior to others, often by putting down large groups of people. In usage, such a person is described as “on a high horse” or may be told to “Get off your high horse.”

Apparently, my brother-in-law believes that I’ve taken a superior attitude in the situation of my divorce — that I think I’m better than others. I’ve given this a lot of thought. The only way he could possibly interpret my thoughts and feelings — as expressed in my blog posts — as evidence of a superior attitude is because he doesn’t understand the simple concept of what’s right and what’s wrong.

That made me wonder whether this is something (1) my brother-in-law doesn’t understand or (2) today’s society doesn’t understand.

In any case, it’s worth explaining; I’ll get to that in a moment.

My brother-in-law also apparently believes that I’m putting down my husband. My recent blog post, “Wanted: A Strong Man,” can probably be seen as a put down — although that’s not the post he commented on. It was a difficult post for me to write, mostly because of what I said near the middle of it: he wasn’t always a weak man. But I think I was honest. And I think the people who know him well — including, ironically, my brother-in-law — would agree with many (if not all) of my observations. Instead of looking at it as a put down, perhaps my brother-in-law should think of it more as a diagnosis of a problem — something my husband could fix if he wanted to, probably with professional help.

But I don’t believe anything I said in the post commented on — “On Marital Infidelity” — could be considered a put down. That is, unless my brother-in-law believes there’s nothing wrong with marital infidelity. More on that in a moment.

The Urban Dictionary also defines “slow down and smell the roses“:

this means stop stressing out, overthinking, or complaining. put your troubles in perspective and try to enjoy the short time you have on earth.

I’ve been getting versions of this from several people who don’t understand the gravity of my situation and the way it is affecting — and will affect — my life. It’s easier said than done.

Try, for a moment, to put yourself in my shoes. I’m 51 years old. I spent more than half of my life with a man I loved, someone who I trusted implicitly with my life. I have 29 years — now nearly 30 years — of memories with this man. Nearly seven years ago, I made the ultimate commitment to our relationship by marrying him, standing before a judge and witnesses to recite vows — promises — that actually meant something to me. I thought they meant something to him, too.

Oddly, things with our relationship started going bad not long after we made those vows. Perhaps he thought they would change our relationship? I don’t know. He never told me what he expected from me. He never told me what I was doing that he didn’t like. Instead, communications shut down and, after 29 years together, he actively sought a replacement for me — while leading me to believe, through actions, lies, and misleading statements, that he wanted to fix the problems with our relationship. He hooked up with the first woman who would take him and, after less than a month with her, dumped me on my birthday.

And since then, he and his new mommy have been fighting me in court and harassing me, trying to take away everything I’ve worked so hard for all my life.

And I’m supposed to “smell the roses”?

I don’t see any roses here. Do you?

Working it Out

The comment also included this cryptic phrase: “You and only you and him can work it out…”

I find this particularly painful because I’ve been trying since June to work this out with my husband. I can even argue that I’ve been trying since last March when I went to the marriage counselor at his request, hoping to fix the problem.

Although my husband’s initial request for a divorce came over the phone, it also came with lies about why he wanted the divorce. And since then he has agreed to meet with me in person only once — two weeks after that initial request. That lengthy meeting — full of tears on both sides, was also full of lies from him. And since then, he refuses to meet with me.

Do I need to share each of the long email messages I sent him, pleading with him to understand my feelings and explain himself to me? The mournful texts — like the one I sent him after dreaming about having sex with him? The angry texts — like the ones I sent after he left me copies of email messages I’d written that he’d been saving since 2008, apparently to take them out of context and use them as ammunition against me? Do I need to share every single attempt I’ve made over the years to try to get him to talk to me?

My brother-in-law should understand this. After all, I spent 90 minutes sobbing over the phone to him just a few weeks ago. Why the hell does he think I now cry every single day of my life? Why I can’t have a simple conversation with my lawyer without bursting into tears? Why I’m crying now?

So tell me: how am I supposed to “work it out” with my husband when he’s failed to be honest in any of our discussions so far and now refuses to talk to me? How am I supposed to get closure on this when I still don’t understand why he was willing to throw away everything we had together? Why he cheated and lied to me?

How can I get past this when I can’t get answers? When I can’t understand how a man who was so good and honest and loyal could do this to his partner of 29 years?

Right vs. Wrong, Good vs. Bad

Let’s step aside from all that and get back to the main topic of this post: my “high horse.”

It all comes down to my feelings regarding right and wrong, good and bad.

Throughout my life, I’ve developed a very strong sense of moral and ethical values: a sense of what’s right and what’s wrong. Simply said, I believe people should do the right thing, the good thing. I believe that the world would be not just a better place, but an amazing place, if we all did the right thing whenever we possibly could.

I touched upon this briefly in a December blog post that I wrote when I was trying to understand why my husband had lied to me: “What is Truth?” Honesty is right, honesty is good, honesty is something we owe to each other — especially the people who trust us. Lying is wrong, lying is bad, lying destroys trust and lives.

How about marital vows — you know, the “love, honor, and cherish until death do us part” stuff people recite when they marry. Doesn’t that mean anything to anyone?

Is it right to make a vow like that and then lie to your spouse? Is it right to make a vow like that and then cheat on your spouse? Is it right to make a vow like that and then lock your spouse out of her home and business property? To fight her in court in an attempt to make her homeless and keep her from her possessions? To subject your spouse to harassment week after week and month after month, hoping that she just gives you what you want and goes away?

Am I the only one who thinks that’s wrong?

And no, “everyone does it” doesn’t make it right, so stop feeding me — and yourself — that bullshit line. It’s wrong, pure and simple. No one can deny it. There is no excuse.

In my blog post about truth, I considered the fact that I might be naive. My brother-in-law’s comment on my blog post gives me reason to think about that again.

Am I part of a small minority of people who understands the difference between right and wrong? Or maybe just a minority that cares?

Have today’s societal values degraded so far that people no longer care about what’s right or wrong? To the point where someone who is being wronged is considered to be complaining from a “high horse”?

Have things gotten that bad?

Fighting for What’s Right

The Apparent Irony of An Atheist Fighting for What’s Right

I have to digress for a moment and a sidebar is the best place to do that.

As some people know, I’m an atheist. That means I don’t believe there’s a god (by any name) who oversees the universe, makes things happen, answers prayers, and punishes those who “sin.”

A lot of religious folks who don’t understand atheism think that atheists are bad. They think that it’s impossible to conduct yourself morally without the fear of God’s wrath when you do something bad. Oddly, these are often people who demonstrate low moral standards by lying, stealing, cheating on their wives, breaking laws, hurting others, etc. I’m not sure why they think this is okay — perhaps they don’t but are relying on God’s forgiveness to get into Heaven when they die. It’s almost as if their belief in God and their willingness to go to church and/or confess sins has given them a free pass to do whatever they want, no matter how wrong it is.

I can’t speak for all atheists, but I can speak for myself. I try hard to do what’s right and good because it’s right and good. I try to avoid doing what’s wrong and bad because it’s wrong and bad. I don’t have a god — I have something far more powerful: a conscience. My conscience is with me every day and it guides all of my actions. When I do something wrong, I pay for it immediately — with a sense of guilt: a guilty conscience.

Isn’t that more effective than relying on some supernatural being to reward or punish you when you die?

A handful of my friends have advised me to “give him what he wants and get on with your life.” Those people don’t understand me or what’s driving me. And apparently, neither does my husband.

Because although my husband seems to have forgotten the difference between right and wrong, I haven’t. And although my husband apparently thinks that I don’t care about what’s right and wrong, he’s very much mistaken. (I guess it’s just another example of how we’ve grown apart over the years.)

My good friends and most family members understand why I’m still dealing with all of this nearly nine months after my husband made the call that ruined every single birthday I’ll have for the rest of my life.

I have been wronged. I cannot simply walk away without fighting for what’s right.

I was discussing this with a friend a few weeks ago. He said he understood completely. “You have to be able to live with the person you see in the mirror,” he told me.

His words triggered an epiphany. It’s not about being difficult or seeking revenge. It’s not about putting people down or making judgements from a “high horse.”

It’s the simple fact that if I did not fight for what I thought was right, I’d never be able to live with myself. I’d never again be able to respect the person I see in the mirror.

I knew it all along but didn’t understand it until my friend made it clear.

And I think that’s why I began blogging more frankly about my situation. I wanted to clearly state my case. I wanted make it clear what I was dealing with. I wanted to make it clear why I was suffering so badly. Why I still cry so much — sometimes over the smallest things. The pain of being wronged is so incredibly fierce within me.

I expected readers to connect the dots — to see that I’d been wronged and draw the conclusion that I was fighting for what was right.

And then my brother-in-law’s comment appeared. That’s when I realized that not everyone understood my situation and what was driving me. I realized that although right vs. wrong is important to me, it’s not important — or even of concern — to everyone. Including, apparently, my brother-in-law.

And that makes me sad.

Dealing with Trolls

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A few comments from experience.

I just finished writing a pretty lengthy article about blog comment moderation for Maria’s Guides, the site where I’m putting most of my tech content these days. The piece, which will appear tomorrow, has a lot of tips and advice for bloggers.

But it also touches on the topic of Internet trolls — you know, those people who use the veil of anonymity to disrupt forums and blog comment threads with offensive, controversial, or off-topic commentary, mostly to get a rise out of other commenters.

Trolls aren’t new. In the old days, we referred to them as flamers and the exchanges that resulted from their behavior were flame wars.

I’ve dealt with trolls and people who just don’t have any courtesy at all on this site and elsewhere. I have since learned and confirmed that the only way to deal with trolls and other offensive commenters is to (1) prevent them from having a voice on my blog, (2) ignoring them on other blogs/forums, and (3) in extreme cases, avoiding blogs/forums where they comment.

In other words, ignore them and they will go away.

June 30, 2014 Update
I’ve finally gotten around to writing up the site comment policy on a regular page (rather than post) on this site. You can find it here: Comment Policy.

You would not believe some of the crap people attempt to post on this blog. “Offensive” is putting it mildly sometimes. But I have a strict comment policy — thanks to the abuse I put up with in the past — and I stick to it. Post a comment that violates the site comment policy and your comment will never be seen by anyone on this site.

What does this do? Well, the casual troll who doesn’t come back to reel in his victims doesn’t even notice that his comment has been deleted. And since the offensive comment never appeared, no one replies in kind or in defense of what was said. No more trolling, no flame war.

The hard-core trolls — those folks who actually use their offensive comments to get under people’s skin and then feed upon the responses — they do notice that their comments didn’t appear. Sometimes they try again. Other times they complain in a comment or in email. Sometimes they get even more offensive. Guess what? I delete that crap, too. And after a while — after they have wasted minutes or even hours and days of their pitiful lives trying to cause trouble here — they give up and go away.

Yes: Ignore them and they’ll go away.

After all, there’s always other more fertile ground for their efforts: blogs and forums that aren’t moderated by people who care.

Result: there are no trolls here. This blog remains a civil discourse zone.

Now, apparently there are a handful of bloggers who doubt the “ignore them and they’ll go away” concept. These people have evidently spent too much time on blogs where trolls are allowed — or perhaps even encouraged — and have likely been victimized. Some of these people have also been contacted by email and offended there. These people have begun speaking up, whining and complaining on their blogs and elsewhere. They seem to think that we somehow need to fight back against trolls — perhaps by stooping to their level and getting just as offensive in our responses.

Each time these people post one of their whining complaints against trolling they are feeding the trolls. That’s right. They’re just letting the trolls know that their offensive comments are hitting their marks and giving them plenty of ammunition to keep up the trolling.

I maintain that the best way to fight back against trolls is to…well, I already said it above. Do I really need to repeat it here?

Get a grip, folks. This isn’t high school. Stop acting like it is.

Comments? Let ’em rip. Just remember the Site Comment Policy. I take it seriously here.

Update: @Beeclef on Twitter shared this link. Very funny.