Best of [Fill-in-the-Blank] Award

This scam targets small business owners in a particularly cruel way.

Stuff like this really pisses me off.

Today, among my usual crop of penis enhancement, prescription drug, and wristwatch spam, I got this gem from “Board of Review” with the subject “Flying M Air Receives 2011 Best of Wickenburg Award”:

Fake AwardI am pleased to announce that Flying M Air has been selected for the 2011 Best of Wickenburg Award in the Helicopter Charter & Tours category by the US Commerce Association (USCA).

I’m sure that your selection as a 2011 Award Winner is a reflection of the hard work of not only yourself, but of many people that have supported your business and contributed to the subsequent success of your organization. Congratulations on your selection to such an elite group of small businesses.

In recognition of your achievement, a special 2011 Best of Wickenburg Award has been designed for display at your place of business. You may arrange to have your award sent directly to Flying M Air by following the simple steps on the 2011 Best of Wickenburg Award order form. Simply copy and paste this link into your browser to access the order form: http://www.uscanotify.com/AC86-MHP4-XXX

The USCA “Best of Local Business” Award Program recognizes outstanding local businesses throughout the country. Each year, the USCA identifies companies that we believe have achieved exceptional marketing success in their local community and business category. These are local companies that enhance the positive image of small business through service to their customers and community.

Also, a copy of the press release publicizing the selection of Flying M Air is posted on the USCA website. USCA hereby grants Flying M Air a non-exclusive, royalty-free license to use, reproduce, distribute, and display this press release in any media formats and through any media channels.

In order to provide you with the best possible service, you have been assigned an award code that can be used on our website for quick access to your award information and press release. If you have any questions or comments, please include this code with your correspondence.

Your Award Code is: C86-MHP4-XXX

To place your order over the phone – please call us at: 646-355-XXXX and select option 1.

Sincerely,

Kelly McCartney
Board of Review
US Commerce Association

The intended recipient of this notification is the Marketing Director for Flying M Air. If you have received this email in error please forward it to the intended recipient. If you do not wish to receive further advertisements from USCA, please mail a written request to: US Commerce Association, 5042 Wilshire Blvd #13854, Los Angeles, CA 90036 or simply click to opt-out.

Dig the groovy award image. Obviously, someone at the Board of Review knows how to use Photoshop.

This is a scam. No matter how legitimate the Web site for the “US Commerce Association” looks, the site exists solely to sell this idiotic award to businesses so desperate for recognition that they’ll believe and buy anything.

How do I know this? Well, explain to me how my company can be “best” of anything in a town where it doesn’t even operate anymore? A town where it was the only helicopter operator ever based there?

Indeed, the only traces of my business in Wickenburg are the sign on my hangar, my FAA-required files, and my mailing address. Even my helicopter is there less than half the year. I haven’t done a tour out of Wickenburg in over a year. My business is licensed in Phoenix.

I especially like the line “I’m sure that your selection as a 2011 Award Winner is a reflection of the hard work of not only yourself, but of many people that have supported your business and contributed to the subsequent success of your organization.” Local support for my business? In Wickenburg? I cannot tell you how many times I was screwed over by the local Chamber of Commerce and people at Town Hall every time I tried to do something to grow my business or help the community. From participation at the annual Fly-In event to the construction of an office on the airport premises, the town has fought me tooth and nail, showing me just how much they didn’t want me or my business in town. Even when I got the contract for the airport FBO back in 2002, they tried to tell me how to run my business — even going so far as to tell me what I could and couldn’t blog about. Can you say censorship? And when I did a golf ball drop without pay to help raise money for football uniforms, the person who hired me had the nerve to ridicule me behind my back at a Rotary meeting because it took us two tries to get the balls near the cup.

I got the hint. I only wish I’d gotten it sooner; I’m doing much better now that I’ve left Wickenburg’s bullshit behind.

And that line only proves how unreal this whole award is. It’s not based on anything. It’s fiction, written for gullible people who want to believe it’s true.

Yet across the country, thousands of other small business owners have probably received virtually identical email messages this morning. Many of them are struggling for survival in a tough economy. Some of them will seize upon this award as a chance to differentiate themselves from their competition. Many of them won’t even question the likelihood of this being real —they’ll take it on face value, buy the award (or maybe several of them to place in strategic places around the office), and feel like they’ve actually achieved something. Meanwhile, nothing will change except their bank account balances; they’ll continue to struggle, just like before. And the money that they spent on that award could probably have been used for better purposes, like paying suppliers and employees.

So yes, this morning’s scam pissed me off. It reminded me not only of my bad decision to move to and set up shop in Wickenburg, but the desperation of small business owners in general, and the slimy bastards that prey upon them.

You want an award like this? Go to a trophy shop and have one made. It’ll be just as legitimate as this one — and a hell of a lot cheaper.

News Flash: I am NOT a Helicopter Cost Consultant

File this in the Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot file.

Yesterday, I got the following email message from someone I don’t know:

as of this date if i were to buy a used R22 with approx a 1000 hrs on it how much would the total operating costs be per hour if i were to fly 100 hours a year including reserve money for future overhaul

Yes, I did write a blog post in December 2010 titled, “The Real Cost of Helicopter Ownership,” where I detailed the actual operating costs of my R44. But does this guy honestly think I’ll make the same calculations for any helicopter for anyone who asks?

Regardless of what he thinks, the answer is no.

Death of an Electric Blanket

It may be an old-fashioned idea, but hell — it works.

Last year, I wrote about using my ancient electric blanket in my RV. As summer turned to autumn here in Washington State, where I’m camped out for just another two weeks, I put the blanket back on my bed.

Two days later, it died.

I kind of smelled some weird electric burning smell while I was sleeping. I have a very sensitive nose — which may be one reason why it’s above-average in size. (Once, when we lived in Queens, NY, I was awakened by the smell of a building fire that turned out to be 13 blocks away. Who needs smoke detectors?) The smell wasn’t enough to fully wake me up, but it was enough to flick the blanket’s control to off. The smell went away. The next night, the blanket refused to warm up.

I can’t complain. The damn thing was new in 1977. That makes it 34 years old. I think my parents, who bought it way back when, got their money’s worth out of it. The fact that it still worked this year is a minor miracle in my book. (How long do you think its likely made-in-China replacement will last?)

I mentioned the death of my electric blanket on Twitter and Facebook. I was roundly teased. I likely deserved it. Electric blankets aren’t exactly hip.

But I do want to explain why I will be replacing it — even though it’s something that most people think only “grannies” use.

The beauty of an electric blanket in my RV is simple.

I don’t run the heat at night. Its blower is very loud and it goes on and off all night. I wouldn’t get much sleep.

When I go to bed, the RV is usually at a nice, comfortable temperature — one good for a light blanket under my light comforter. But as the night progresses, it gets colder and colder. Sometimes down to the 40s. RV’s have amazingly crappy insulation, so whatever the temperature is outside at night, it’s pretty much the same temperature inside. As it gets colder and colder, my need for blankety warmth increases.

What am I supposed to do? Get up and put another blanket on the bed?

Of course not. I flick the switch and let the electric blanket do its thing. Its internal thermostat maintains a steady temperature, keeping me toasty warm all night.

This is the beauty of an electric blanket.

On very cold mornings, I’ll often get out of bed, turn on the heat, and then get back under that granny blanket until the rest of the RV is warmed up.

So yes, I will be replacing my ancient electric blanket. I’ll do it today.

The nights are getting cold now. It’s almost time for this snowbird to fly south for the winter.

A Trip around the Peninsula, Day 2: Victoria, BC

We take a road trip around the Olympic Peninsula in Washington state.

After three months contractually bound to the Quincy and Wenatchee areas of Washington, I was finally off contract at the end of August. Mike flew out to Washington and we went on a road trip to the Olympic Peninsula. This series of blog posts is a summary of that trip, with photos.

On the recommendation of several people, we spend the day in Canada.

We started the second day of our trip with a quick breakfast at the hotel and a trip to the ferry terminal. The plan was to spend the day in the Canadian city of Victoria, a 90-minute ride from Port Angeles on the Black Ball Ferry Line’s M.V. Coho.

We’d learned, belatedly, that if you wanted to take a car on the ferry to Canada, you needed to get to the terminal for security inspection 90 minutes before the 8:20 AM sailing. That was not possible. So we walked on board, assured that there was plenty within walking distance of the ferry terminal on the other side. There was also the usual collection of taxis and other means of transportation.

MV CohoAlthough the sky was clear in Port Angeles, we hit fog within 15 minutes of departure. The crew shooed all passengers away from the bow of the boat and we went inside. We filled in our immigration paperwork and found a comfortable place to sit. I was feeling more than a little queasy from the rocking of the boat, but that cleared up soon enough. So did the fog. We went back out on deck as we came into Victoria Harbor. A seaplane was just landing. It was another beautiful day.

We spent the entire day touring the harbor area — and a bit beyond it — on foot.

Assembly BuildingFirst up was the Legislative Assembly of British Columbia, a large domed building clearly visible from the ferry terminal. Mike and I are big fans of architecture, so we wandered over to take a closer look. We walked past a very large statue of Queen Victoria and an ornate fountain to get a closer look at the building’s symmetry. Then we walked down the main path and up the steps to the public entrance.

Inside the Assembly BuildingWe were pleased to learn that the building was open to the public and wasted no time exploring the public areas inside. The building, which was completed in 1898 and restored in 1973 is in magnificent condition, full of wonderful architectural touches. I picked up the self-guided tour booklet but didn’t really consult it much. It was nice to simply wander around, from room to room, although I do wish we’d taken the guided tour.

Afterward, we walked north on Government Street to the Empress Hotel. I’d read somewhere that the hotel was the place to get afternoon tea, so we found the reservation desk and made reservations for 4:15 PM. That meant we’d be taking the 7:30 PM ferry back to Port Angeles.

Mike had a tourist map with him which identified Fort Street as the place for shopping and dining. So when we reached Fort, we turned east and continued walking. Gradually, we left the tourist area and its shops and tourists behind. The farther we walked, the more “regular” people (i.e., not tourists) we saw.

We also started to get hungry. We wound up at the Saigon Harbour Restaurant on Blanshard Street for a good meal of Vietnamese food. I’ll be honest — we picked it based on the way it looked from outside. It’s just another example of how eating at a small, local place can provide just the kind of dining experience we want.

After lunch, we continued up the south side of Fort Street and walked back on the north side. We stopped at a bakery for a chocolate croissant for dessert, which we ate while walking. We then continued up Government Street, visited a few shops, and bought a few odds and ends.

High Tea at the EmpressAt 4 PM, we headed back to the Empress for tea. Despite our shabby appearance — I was wearing my usual henley t-shirt and jeans and Mike was similarly dressed — they sat us at a table by the window where we could look out at the harbor and watch the people go by. We started with a pair of champagne cocktails. Our waiter was excellent, recommending a tea that suited both of our tastes — I prefer mine without milk; Mike floods his with milk. Then he brought the customary three-tiered plate of goodies, including sandwiches, scones, and sweet treats. I’ve had afternoon tea about a half dozen times and this one was, by far, the best. Highly recommended.

Afterwards, we went back to Hemp & Company, a shop that sells clothes made of hemp and I bought two collared shirts to replace some linen shirts that were wearing thin. We also bought some maple cookies in a tourist shop for some friends of mine in Quincy and some candies from Roger’s Chocolates that turned out to be amazing.

We wandered back toward the ferry terminal. It was about 6:30 by then, but the ferry hadn’t arrived. There were a few horse-drawn carriages nearby and I hired one for a half-hour ride to the south side of the city. The weather was still clear and, when we reached the coast, we could clearly see the mountains of Washington’s Olympic Peninsula in the near distance. It was a nice, slow ride with a talkative young driver who told us a lot about historic buildings, including the limitations on repairs.

We got back to the terminal just in time to board the ferry. I photographed the city as the sun set, casting a golden light over the buildings and boats in the harbor.

Sunset over Victoria

The ride back was smooth. A waxing gibbous moon hung in the east when we disembarked in Port Angeles. We drove the truck back to the hotel and settled in for the night, exhausted by our long day of walking.

A Trip around the Peninsula, Day 1: Wenatchee to Port Angeles

We take a road trip around the Olympic Peninsula in Washington state.

After three months contractually bound to the Quincy and Wenatchee areas of Washington, I was finally off contract at the end of August. Mike flew out to Washington and we went on a road trip to the Olympic Peninsula. This series of blog posts is a summary of that trip, with photos.

The start of our five-day vacation.

After fueling our diesel pickup — the only vehicle available to us here — we headed out of Wenatchee on Route 2 toward Stevens Pass. We made a number of stops along the way.

First, Anjou Bakery in Monitor, which makes an outrageously good pear danish. It’s in a funky old building with indoor and outdoor seating. They make coffee drinks, too, but I’ve decided to avoid that on my next trip. Their coffee isn’t very good — at least in my opinion — and it takes far too long for them to prepare it.

Next, Leavenworth. If you’ve ever been to Leavenworth, you’ll know that it’s a manufactured tourist town. They redid the entire town with a Bavarian theme, making it feel almost as if you’re in a Black Forest village somewhere in Germany. (I’ve actually been to Germany’s Black Forest, so I can attest to this.)

For the record, I don’t like Leavenworth. It’s a fake place that exists primarily for tourism. The parking and traffic situation is horrendous. Its multiple shops and restaurants are designed to suck tourists in and relieve them of their money. Little of what they offer is any better than you’d find at any other similarly themed tourist shop or town. I know that all tourist towns are like this and I don’t like any of them. Frankly, I don’t know why so many people go there.

But Leavenworth does have two shops that I love:

  • The Cheesemonger is possibly the best cheese shop I’ve ever been to. Not only do they have an amazing selection of cheeses from around the world, but they are well-staffed with knowledgable and helpful counter people. Cheese tasting is not only allowed but encouraged. This shop is my primary reason for subjecting myself to a trip to Leavenworth.
  • Cured is a smoked meat shop where you can get excellent bacon, sausage, wursts, jerkies, and more. Their buckboard bacon is to die for. If I make a cheese run, I also stop here for meats. Bonus: there’s motorcycle parking right across the street.

On this visit, we also stopped at the Bavarian Bakery on the right as you come into town from Wenatchee. It was recommended by the folks at Cured for bread; they hadn’t received their delivery yet and I like their rolls with the cheese. My grandfather was German and owned a bakery in Cresskill, NJ when I was a kid. For a while, my family lived in an apartment upstairs. So visiting a real German bakery was a treat for me. We bought some plum cake (which my Grandfather also made), pretzels, a coffee cake, and the rolls. I wasn’t terribly impressed with any of it, but it wasn’t bad. I’m just picky.

We loaded up the cooler that we’d brought along and headed out of town on Chumstick Road. That would take us winding through the mountains, though the tiny town of Plain before reaching Lake Wenatchee. At Route 207, we headed northwest, following 207, then Little Wenatchee Road, then National Forest Development Road 65. I’d ridden this route on my motorcycle the week before but had turned back after 10 miles or so because I wasn’t sure whether it was paved the entire distance.

We took a side trip, following a sign that promised a View Point 4 miles up an unpaved road. The road wound up and around through dense forest, finally depositing us at the promised viewpoint. We could see Lake Wenatchee in the light haze.

Another couple was there — a bit older than us and seriously out of shape. They were wrestling with something heavy in a blanket, trying to get it into the back of their pickup. We didn’t snoop until they were gone. Then we followed the short trail they’d come from and discovered a place where people had been cutting stone from the side of the hill. Cutting, like with a stone-cutting saw. The kind of equipment that requires a generator and probably water to cool the blade. I don’t think they had that equipment; they might have been taking a loose rock. It looked like granite to me, but it could have been something else. (What do I know about rocks?) The whole thing was weird; it had taken us 20 minutes to drive the 4 miles; why would anyone lug stone-cutting equipment up there?

We continued along the Forest Road and, sure enough, not far from where I’d turned around on my motorcycle, the pavement ended. We followed the road through the forest, enjoying the views along the way. At one point, a Jeep caught up to us and we pulled aside so it could pass. Otherwise, there wasn’t much in the way of traffic.

Old Growth TreeI should mention that much of this was old growth forest. An absolutely huge tree grew close to the road and we got out to take a closer look. Its amazing to me that trees this large exist and that so many of them have been cut down. Actually seeing one is a real treat.

The road we were on ended at Route 2 and we continued through Stevens Pass and down to the west side of the Cascades. That’s when the traffic started up. It was Labor Day afternoon and everyone who had journeyed east for the weekend was heading home. I whipped out my iPad and the Maps app and found some alternate routes that paralleled Route 2. We probably saved about 30 minutes of drive time by taking these longer routes, each of which dumped us back on Route 2 after a pleasant drive through farmland or forest. Then we abandoned Route 2 completely in favor of Routes 522 and 524.

We stopped at Snoqualmie Ice Cream shop in Malby. The ice cream was good, but, in my opinion, not worth the very high price we paid for it. And the girl at the counter who served it had the personality of a wet rag.

Sailboat on Puget Sound with Mount Baker in BackgroundBack on the road, we continued along Route 524 to Edmonds and got on line for the ferry to Kingston. We’d timed it well and didn’t have to wait more than 15 minutes to get on the boat. We went up on deck to check out the view. Mount Baker was clearly visible to the northeast and even Mount Rainier could be seen through the haze to the south. I passed the time photographing sailboats we passed, trying to get Mount Baker in the background.

In Kingston, we didn’t hang around. It was getting late and we were hungry and unsure of where we’d be spending the night. We’d already planned on spending Day 2 in Victoria, BC, so we wanted an overnight stay someplace close to Port Angeles, where we’d pick up the ferry. So we headed that way on Route 104 and then 101.

We detoured to Dungeness. I don’t know what we expected to find there, but we didn’t find any interesting lodging opportunities. We did, however, find the Three Crabs Restaurant right on the bay. If I had to rate this place on service or atmosphere, I’d pan it. It had all the charm of a cheap family restaurant catering to people with low expectations. But the food — well that was a pleasant surprise. I had the best fried oysters ever — and I don’t toss around the word “best” very often at all. That made it worth the visit. (And here’s a tip to restaurant-goers who rate restaurants on Google, Yelp, etc.: don’t order steak in a seafood place.)

We got back on the road and headed toward Port Angeles. By this time, it was getting dark. My maps app suggested the Olympic Lodge and we homed in on it. It was a bit bigger and fancier than we expected. But it was evidently also empty. We went to the desk and they offered us a discounted rate within our price range. We took it. The room was large and comfortable. A fountain at ground level outside our window offered a nice soundtrack to a good night’s sleep.

Our Route: