Category Archives: Deep Thoughts

I think…therefore I’m dangerous.

California Strawberries

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Sweet, with bittersweet memories.

StrawberriesThis morning, as I cut up some fresh, ripe California strawberries for breakfast, I found myself thinking back to April days in the late 1980s.

Back then, I worked as an Internal Auditor for ADP. Each spring, in April, they’d send a team of us — usually 3 or 4 auditors — out to their La Palma, CA location. In those days, I lived in New Jersey with the man I’d later marry and a three-week trip to California at the tail end of winter was like a gift from heaven.

They put us up in the Embassy Suites (now a Radisson Suites) up the road from Knotts Berry Farm, each in our own suite. (Back in those days, a “suite” was really two rooms.) Great breakfast every day, happy hour every evening. We really got to know the staff and used to party with them once in a while. There was one rental car for each pair of us, so ground transportation was not a problem. 9 to 5 at the office a few miles away, then on our own with expense accounts for R&R in the evenings.

There was a set of high tension power lines running alongside the hotel’s property. And there, under the power lines, they farmed strawberries.

That’s not the only place, of course, Fresh local strawberries were all over southern California in April. Strawberry shortcake in every restaurant. I especially remember a place near Disneyland in Anaheim. My brain keeps telling me it was called Carroll’s, but I can’t find it in Google. We joked that it was Paul Bunyan‘s restaurant — the portions were enormous. Even the flatware was huge — a soup spoon could not fit in my mouth. The strawberry shortcake there could feed a whole table of people.

On weekends, we had the option of sticking around or using our hotel allowance to pay for lodging elsewhere. One year, I met up with fellow auditors working in the San Francisco area for a trip to Lake Tahoe where they skied and I sipped spiked hot cocoa. Another year, we went to La Jolla and stayed in a hotel on the coast with a trip into Tijuana.

The trips to California were three weeks long and we were given a choice: fly home one of the two weekends or have someone from home fly out to California. Each year, my future wasband would fly out on the second weekend. (That was back in the days when he preferred to spend his vacation time with me rather than with his mother.) We’d do something fun together over the weekend and then he’d spend the week goofing off while we worked, taking the rental car to explore the area. He saw the Spruce Goose and Queen Mary, drove up the coast, and did all kinds of things during his free vacation. At 5 PM, he’d be back in the parking lot with the rental car to pick us up.

When the job was over, I’d take my vacation, tacking a week on to the end of the trip. One year, we drove out to Death Valley and Las Vegas. Another year, we explored Kings Canyon, Sequoia, and Yosemite National Parks. We’d car camp — he’d bring our camping gear with him in a big duffle bag — and explore. They were some of the best vacations I had, visiting beautiful places with the man I loved, back when he seemed more interested in the beauty of the world around us and having fun than buying expensive cars and other assets he didn’t need and couldn’t afford. Best of all, the trips were remarkably affordable with the airfare for both of us covered by my employer.

When I moved out of my Wickenburg home last year, I left behind the photos I took on those trips. They’re in photo albums of prints painstakingly laid out afterwards to share with family and friends. I wanted to forget that part of my life and the man, now dead, who I shared it with. But too many memories survive, even without the photos.

And they can be triggered by something as simple as the look, smell, and taste of fresh, ripe strawberries from California.

Snake Oil Supplements?

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An amazing infographic about the tangible benefits of popular supplements based on scientific evidence.

Snake Oil Supplements?
This is a greatly reduced version of the static image dated January 2014. Don’t strain your eyes to study this — go here to see the full sized image.

Fellow author Tom Negrino shared a version of this infographic on Facebook the other day and I’ve found myself going back to it over and over to study the data it presents.

The presentation of the data is pretty straightforward. In each bubble is the name of a supplement and the condition the bubble represents. (If both aren’t listed in the static graphic, try the interactive version; point to a bubble to expand it.) The size of the bubble indicates the popularity (based on Google hits) for the supplement/condition combination. The location of the bubble determines the amount of scientific evidence to support the supplement’s effectiveness for the paired condition — the higher up in the image, the more evidence exists.

So, for example, fish oil/omega 3 appears several times on the chart. in the “Good” area, it’s paired with cancer symptoms, meaning that there is good evidence that it is effective against cancer symptoms. Near the “None” area, it’s paired with Crohn’s disease, asthma, and diabetes, meaning that there is no good evidence that it is effective against these conditions. You’ll find this particular supplement in other areas of the chart, too — I’ll let you explore those for yourself.

Why This Matters

Too many people are relying on supplements to help them with real health problems. They read something online or get advice from their “alternative medicine practitioner” with recommendations and they spend lots of money on pills and powders and liquids at health food stores, hoping to avoid real doctors and real medicine. They think they’re saving money and keeping “big pharma” from getting even bigger. But if they’re using supplements for conditions at the bottom of this infographic, they’re basically throwing their money away.

And that bothers me.

It’s nice to see the research presented in such a user friendly way. Best of all, as the main page for the latest version of this graphic says:

This visualisation generates itself from this Google Doc. So when new research comes out, we can quickly update the data and regenerate the image. (How cool is that??)

So we can expect to see this image modified as time goes on. In fact, you can see previous versions of it on the site if you poke around enough. (Tom, in fact, originally posted an older version that was embedded on another Website.)

Why You Should Care

Now I know some readers are going to push back against this data, possibly with anecdotes about how copper or acai berry or slippery elm helped you or your friend or your sister-in-law’s cousin overcome some ailment. You’re also going to say something like, “It can’t hurt to try, can it?”

You’re wasting your time with such an argument here. I don’t put supplements in my body for a specific problem without scientific evidence that it might actually work. I don’t throw away money on unproven remedies when proven remedies are available.

You probably shouldn’t either.

As for whether it can or can’t hurt to try, it certain can hurt. First, it can hurt your finances by causing you to waste money on something that probably won’t help you. Second, if you rely on ineffective remedies instead of getting real medical care and proven effective remedies, you run the risk of extending or complicating the condition. The What’s the Harm? website summarizes all kind of harm that came to people who relied on “alternative medicine” and supplements. (Alternative medicine is not medicine; if it was proven effective, it would be medicine. Think of aspirin.)

And if you want to explore a similar graphic about “superfoods,” be sure to check out this image.

And now pardon me while I add garlic to my shopping list…

Business and Politics Don’t Mix

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Idiotic doctor loses a patient.

In defense of the Walmart Vision Center

Before you start beating on me about using Walmart for eye care, let me explain why I trust them.

In February 2012, when the stress levels due to marital frustration reached an all-time high, I experienced some “flashers” in one of my eyes. It scared me — mostly because it could indicate a detached retina — and I immediately sought an appointment with an eye care professional.

Wickenburg didn’t have a full-time optometrist and the quickest, closest exam I could get was at the Deer Valley Phoenix Walmart. I went, got an exam, got some feedback about my eyes, and was told I was okay.

I was so worried and so mistrusting of Walmart-quality care that I sought a second opinion. A week later — the soonest appointment I could get — I went to an eye surgeon near our Phoenix condo. He gave me the exact same exam and even pointed out the exact same weird issues with my left eye. The difference: his exam cost twice as much.

Oh, and Walmart will give me a contact lens prescription so I can get it filled online, saving hundreds of dollars.

On Wednesday, I went to the Walmart vision Center in Wenatchee for an eye exam.

While the receptionist checked my insurance to see if I was covered, the doctor got started with his exam. He was an older guy who was very gruff. Although he might have just got up on the wrong side of the bed that morning, I suspect he’s always that way. A cranky old man.

He got crankier when the receptionist came in with the insurance results. For some reason, they led me to believe at first that it wasn’t covered.

I said something like, “Well, I didn’t expect to be covered. I’ve never had eye exams covered.”

“You can thank your president for that,” the old doctor snapped.

I wasn’t going to let that go. I’m fed up with people bashing the president’s attempts to get all Americans affordable health care. Yeah, the rollout was a mess and the website sucked. (Although I had no problems with it here in Washington state; got insurance in less than an hour on my first try in November.) And I honestly don’t think the president purposely lied when he said we could keep existing coverage — I just think he spoke without knowing the facts. I’ll agree that was pretty dumb. But seriously: we needed something and no one else seemed interested in doing anything. This is better than nothing for the vast majority of people, whether they want to admit it or not.

“Actually, I’m very happy with my coverage,” I told him. “I just came from my FAA medical. For the first time ever, it was covered 100% as preventative care. I didn’t even have to pay toward the deducible.”

“Most people aren’t happy,” he said. His tone suggested that I was stupid for not following his herd. “Most people don’t like it at all.”

“Most people?” I replied. “I don’t know about that. I know lots of people who are happy. I’m thrilled. My coverage is better than ever. And I know what it’s like to be uninsured because of a pre-existing condition.”

I was referring, of course, to the time my idiot wasband had made a late payment on the health insurance policy that covered both of us. It was COBRA because he was out of work (again) and he was paying with funds from our joint checking account. The payment was five days late and they cancelled us. Then they wouldn’t reinstate me because they said I had a heart condition — which I didn’t have — because a doctor had done heart tests the year before. I was without health insurance for about six months until I could get the issue resolved and it was the scariest six months of my life. A major illness could have bankrupted me at any time.

And that’s one of the thing that the Affordable Care Act will prevent: Bankruptcies caused by bad health. It’ll also keep Americans healthy by covering preventative care like routine physicals and tests.

He didn’t say anything more after that. Maybe he realized that I couldn’t be bullied. Maybe he thought that if he just shut up I’d forget what a jerk he is.

But I won’t forget. And I won’t be going back to him for my next eye exam.

And oh, by the way, I was covered. I don’t think he liked admitting that to me.

My advice: if you’re in business, keep your controversial political views to yourself.

20 Things that Turn Me Off about Your Online Dating Presence

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This is my list. Other women’s lists may differ — although I bet there’s a lot in common.

This started as a Facebook thread. I was lamenting the sad fact that someone I’d begun messaging with on an online dating site had proven himself to be completely illiterate. Hell, here’s the original post:

So I’m on this dating site and this guy’s profile looks interesting to me. Short but nicely written and says the kinds of things I want to read. So I strike up a conversation with him in the site’s messaging system. After four exchanges, I realize that the guy is clearly unable to write, spell, punctuate, etc. His messages to me are so bad that they’re beyond illiterate — it’s almost as if this whole thing is some sort of joke. Is it wrong for me to be completely turned off? I don’t expect perfect grammar, but I do expect communication that doesn’t need to be deciphered before I can respond to it. I want the guy who wrote the profile, not this moron.

I got a bunch of comments — from both men and women — and the string of comments morphed into me sharing a list of about a dozen things I considered a real turn off on a man’s online dating profile. The more of these I see on a profile, the less likely I’ll be to either initiate or even respond to communications with an offender.

Before I launch into the list, I need to say a few things. This is my list of the things that bother me. Another woman’s list might be different. A few women who are desperate enough to hook up won’t care about any of this stuff. But guys — is this the kind of woman you want? Don’t you want to attract someone who’s a bit more discriminating in who they’ll hop in the sack with? If you don’t care, then this list isn’t for you anyway; move along.

One more thing. I’m sure that guys reading this will agree that many of them apply to women’s profiles. Ladies, take note!

Now for the list. To make my list easier to consume, I’ve separated it into categories.

Picture

Your profile picture is the first thing a woman sees when she looks at your profile. It should clearly show what you really look like. Head and shoulders is good for a primary photo, full body (clothes on, please) should be somewhere in the collection.

I want to make it clear here that I’m not just interested in great looking men. As more than a few of my friends have pointed out, my ex-husband was not someone who would turn the average woman’s head, with male pattern baldness that was already advanced when I met him 30+ years ago. Still, I looked beyond appearances and found something I soon grew to love inside him. (Not sure what happened to that.) Looks are only part of what makes a person.

What I’m mostly looking for in a photo is a man who takes care of himself, has some pride in his appearance, and has a great smile. And, as we all know, a person’s appearance often gives some insight into his personality; for example, a man with long, hippie-like hair is probably going to be kind of hippie-like, no?

Anyway, here are my turn offs:

1. No picture.

What are you hiding? Are you The Elephant Man’s stunt double? While not everyone can be a Calvin Klein underwear model — I wish! — don’t be ashamed of who you are. A nice photo can really catch a woman’s eye.

The other question I wonder — and I admit that this is a bigger concern to me — is who are you hiding from? Your wife?

Simply stated, if you don’t have a photo, I have to assume you’re hiding something. I don’t want to have to go on a date to find out what it is.

2. Old photos.

I really don’t care what you looked like when you went on that cool trip to Paris in 2005. Or when you played in a band in college. I care what you look like now. Sharing old photos is akin to lying. Your photo should show what you look like. Not what you used to look like.

Photos shouldn’t be more than two years old. Period. Delete the old ones, add new ones. Adding photos is a good way to get a fresh look on the same site, anyway. Win-win.

On the same vein but not deserving its own category: blurry, over exposed, under exposed, or extreme closeup photos. Also, group photos where it isn’t clear which member of the group you are.

3. Cropped couple photos

I can’t believe I even need to list this, but I do. Guys actually do this. I’ve seen more than a few photos of a man who clearly has his arm around a woman who has been cropped out of the photo. Seriously?

4. All photos are selfies.

Yeah, I know selfies are the big rage these days. Selfie was even the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the year in 2013.

But seriously, don’t you have any friends? If all your photos are selfies, I can only assume that you don’t.

Everyone with a cell phone these days also has a camera. The next time you’re looking presentable while you’re out with your friends, hand your phone to a friend and tell him/her to snap your picture. Take a few and then use the best one (not all of them). Was that so hard?

(Oh, and there’s a special place in hell for any man who uses vacation photos taken by his wife on a dating site when he’s still married to her. Did you get that, honey?)

Personally, I think solo selfies are kind of juvenile. It’s one thing to snap a shot of you and your friends at the ball game or beach, all bunched together making faces at a camera for fun, but it’s another to hold the camera at arms length in your bathroom or bedroom to shoot a photo of your face with a clear view up your nostrils. As for mirror selfies, I find them especially offensive. Kind of creepy, in fact.

5. Shirt-off photos (especially selfies).

You’d better have a build like a Calvin Klein underwear model if you include shirtless photos in your profile. I’ve seen too many shirtless photos of guys who really need to keep that stuff covered.

And when the photo is a selfie, you’re sort of admitting that you wouldn’t show it in public anyway.

Remember, you’re trying to attract a woman, not disgust her.

6. Harley fan photos

This is strictly personal preference.

If more than one of your photos or your only photo is of you with your Harley Davidson — especially if you’re wearing Harley clothes — I am not going to be interested. I ride motorcycles but I’m not at all interested in the Harley mentality and its black and orange trappings. I ride motorcycles because I like to ride, not because I like to park a shiny chrome bike in a parking lot after riding a mile or two to have some beers with my friends. I could probably out-ride most of the Harley guys out there and I’m sure I have more motorcycle miles in more states under my belt.

Now put a photo of you standing next to your sport or sport touring bike with a sleek leather jacket and jeans on and you’ve got my attention. Let’s go riding!

Profile Text

Your profile description is where women look next. They want to see what you’re all about. They want to know what you like and what’s important to you. Once your profile photo got a woman’s interest, this is where she’ll go to see if you might be compatible.

My turn-offs here are a mixture of basic no-nos and personal tastes.

7. Poor grammar, spelling, etc.

Okay, not everyone has perfect grammar. Hell, I’ve been writing for a living since 1990 and even I don’t have perfect grammar. I don’t actually expect perfect grammar, either. But I do expect a guy to be able to string together correctly spelled words into a coherent thought that resembles a punctuated sentence. For pete’s sake, we have spellcheckers and autocorrect that practically do the spelling for us!

I can’t help judge a person’s intelligence by the way he/she communicates in writing. I’ve even blogged about that. If you come across in your profile as being illiterate, I’m not going to be interested in you. I’m looking for more than a warm body in bed. I want someone able to think, communicate, and sustain a conversation.

And again, I’m not talking about a few little mistakes. That’s to be expected. No one is perfect.

8. Brief/Incomplete profiles

Dating sites usually give you plenty of space to describe yourself and the kind of woman you’re looking for. A sentence or two concluding with a statement like, “Learn more when you meet me” is a cop-out, plain and simple. Chances are, those two sentences haven’t given me a reason to want to meet you.

Dating sites also usually have data fields with multiple choice options to describe yourself. While I don’t expect you to share your income information or other information that you might consider a bit more private than you’re willing to share in a forum as public as a dating site, I do expect you to provide answers for fields such as your marital status, height, body type, education level, religion (or whether it matters), number of children (if not grown), and whether you smoke or do drugs. Why would you leave out any of this information? This is pretty basic stuff a potential date needs to know.

9. Using LOL more than once in your profile (or in messages)

Are you a man or a 15-year-old girl sending a text to her BFF?

I cannot think of a more overused text abbreviation than LOL. While it’s tolerable in conversations on social networks and texting when you see or read something that really makes you laugh out loud, do you find your online dating profile or messages to me so funny that you’re actually laughing out loud while writing them?

I’ll give you one, and that’s only because you might have learned it from your daughter when she was 15.

10. Inaccurate Profiles

If anything you include in your profile is not true, you are a liar. Period.

That includes truth stretched beyond all recognition.

You love to travel, huh? When was the last time you were away? And no, visiting your kids in Spokane doesn’t count. Someone who really loves to travel takes at least a trip or two a year.

You love to work out at the gym, huh? A guy who really loves to work out at the gym wouldn’t look so dismal with his shirt off (see #5 above).

You love fine dining and wine tasting, huh? Then what’s with that photo of you and your friends at the sports bar guzzling Bud Light?

Do you really want to attract a woman with a lie? What do you think will happen when she discovers the truth?

While it’s true that people who are desperate enough for companionship will overlook lies about age, physical condition, hobbies, etc., are you one of them? Do you want to attract one of them?

And yes, passing off old photos as recent is lying.

11. Saying that you’re looking for a beautiful or sexy woman

Duh. Doesn’t every guy want a hot woman?

But by saying that’s what you’re looking for — especially if you list that first or only list that — you’re telling me a few not-so-pleasant things about yourself:

  • You’re shallow. Looks are more important than anything else.
  • You objectify women.
  • Brains don’t matter. You don’t care what a woman has between her ears as long as she looks good on your arm or services you in bed.
  • You’re in it for the short run. What happens as a woman ages and isn’t as beautiful or sexy anymore?

I actually saw a profile today where the only thing in the description was that he was looking for a beautiful, sexy woman. That was the only tidbit of information he felt worth sharing about himself. And no, he wasn’t a Calvin Klein underwear model, either. Are guys like this ever?

Related: Saying that you don’t want “a fatty” or an “ugly woman.” Same bulleted list applies.

And, for the record, yes I’d like a hot stud. But you won’t find that tidbit in my online profile. I don’t objectify men.

12. Saying more than twice in your profile how important your family is to you.

I get it. You have kids and maybe even grandkids and you love them. Fine.

But if you feel a need to mention it more than twice, I have to wonder how many times I might be dragged to your family gatherings or stuck babysitting your grandkids. I didn’t have kids for a reason: I didn’t want them. While I don’t mind spending some time with kids, I’m not prepared to take over the role of mother or grandmother for yours.

Obviously, this is a personal preference. There are women out there who might love being around kids. But still — do you really need to say it over and over in your profile? Isn’t there anything else you’re interested in that doesn’t involve your family?

This is one of the things that falls under my “three strikes and you’re out” rule.

13. Mentioning your important relationship with Jesus Christ or God.

There are special dating sites for people who have found Jesus. If your relationship to your deity is so important to you that you need to mention it in an online dating site profile, you should go to one of those sites. That’s where women who would appreciate your love for Jesus Christ will be.

Related: Finishing up your profile description with “God bless you” or stating that one of your favorite books is The Bible.

Again, this is a personal preference. I’m not religious at all and would not be happy with someone who was very religious.

14. Mentioning that one of your favorite things to do is to go to the gym or that you work out more than three times a week

Really? You spend so much time working out at a gym but you can’t hook up with a woman there?

And while I don’t expect (or even want) to take up all of a man’s free time, he’ll have a lot less time to share with me if he’s at the gym five days a week after work. I hope he doesn’t expect me to go with him. I have better things to do with my time than play with exercise machines.

I see this gym-love so frequently in dating profiles that I’ve come to suspect that there’s a blog post like this somewhere telling guys to include that line just to impress women. News Flash: Most women in the 40+ crowd aren’t impressed.

15. Going into more detail about what you don’t want than you provide about yourself or what you do want

Profiles like this read like laundry lists from negative people. I can use them to read between the lines. Everything a guy says he doesn’t want is something he’s had in the past that he didn’t like. And, for some reason, he thinks that by listing them, he’ll avoid them.

All he’ll do is avoid any self-respecting woman who wants a man with a more positive outlook on life and dating.

16. Hinting about (or even outright stating) the problems you had with your ex

We’ve all got stories about our ex-partners or ugly breakups. (Regular readers of this blog know that I’ve got whoppers.) If the baggage your ex left you with is so bad that you have to mention it on a dating site, you need a therapist, not a relationship.

This includes comments that make it all too easy to read between the lines. You want a “faithful” woman? What guy doesn’t? When you make a point of saying that in your profile, you’re telling me that your last partner cheated on you. I don’t want to hear about it. If you can’t get past that on your profile, will you drag it into conversation on a date, too?

Personal preference again: I want a strong man, not one who needs constant reassurance and other mommying.

And I definitely don’t want a play-by-play of your ugly divorce on one of our first dates. (Guaranteed mine is uglier and I don’t want to talk to you about that, either.)

17. Saying how hard you work and how important your job is to you.

I work pretty hard in the summer months, work less hard in the spring and autumn, and spent most of the winter trying to keep myself busy with fun things. Because I’m a freelancer and business owner, I don’t have any set hours. That means I can do fun things between work just about any day of the week any time of the year.

I was married to a 9 to 5 slave who spent all of his vacation time going back to New York to visit his family. Although he had many opportunities to build a lifestyle like mine, he apparently preferred the steady paycheck, corporate grind, and the rut he dug for himself. It took a real toll on our relationship in its final days.

As you can imagine, the last thing in the world that I want is a relationship with another guy so caught up in his work that he has no time for a life.

So yes, this is personal preference. If you’re spending so much time working, what time will be left for us? Will you even find time to date?

Messaging

The few dating sites I’ve been to all have an onsite messaging system that makes it possible to communicate with a potential date without giving away your email address. I always exchange at least three or four messages with a guy before agreeing to meet him (in a very public place, of course).

Messaging does a few things:

  • It helps break the ice in an effort to determine whether the other party is interested. Some guys just don’t respond because they’re either not interested or already dating someone else.
  • It helps learn more about the other party. A little conversation can go a long way to help determine whether someone is worth meeting in person.
  • Set up a date.

Guys could use some improvement here, too.

18. Initiating contact with an inane or open-ended comment.

Last week, I got a message from a man that just said, “hmmm interesting”

What’s the response for something like that? I couldn’t think of anything so I didn’t say anything.

Two days later, he messages me again with “We have five things in common Wow”

I read his profile. I couldn’t see five things we had in common. I did see that he mentioned several times how much his family meant to him and how he expected his partner to spend a lot of time with them. I replied (as kindly as I could) that I was not a family person and he could find a better match than me. Then I wished him good luck and happy new year. I never did find out what the five things were.

Christmas Photo
Sure, I’ll take a compliment on this photo. I think I look pretty darn good here.

Here’s another exchange:
Him: Love your Christmas party pic very nice
Me: Thanks!
Him: your welcome

That’s it. Is he serious or just throwing around compliments? (I’ll gladly take any compliment!) He didn’t leave me anything to move forward on, so I left it at that. It’s funny because I liked his profile and had considered making contact with him but this short exchange changed my mind.

What’s the problem with it? Well It indicates to me that either the person isn’t very imaginative or simply doesn’t want to put any effort into that first contact. Either way, it’s a turn-off to me. Hell, my profile is at least 500 words long and describes a lot of the things I like and do. If you think we have enough in common to make contact for a possible date, why not zero in on one of those?

19. Saying something in a message that proves he didn’t read my profile

My user name on a dating site is IFlyHelis. One of my profile photos is me standing next to a helicopter. My profile mentions the memoir I’m writing about my season as a Grand Canyon helicopter tour pilot and the fact that I’m prepping to build a helibase. I even include “flying” in my list of interests.

Yet I still get first contact messages from guys saying “Do you really fly helos?”

My response: “Yes.” It’s not worth putting more effort into it since he obviously didn’t take the effort to read my profile.

20. Failing to maintain a minimum level of literacy in messages

This goes back to my original Facebook post and what I mentioned in #7 and #9 above.

A message to a potential date on a dating site should not resemble a cryptic text message sent by a 15 year old girl. Yeah, I get it: you’re accessing the site with your cell phone. But honestly, that’s no excuse for sending me messages so full of misspelled words (or typos) and so lacking in punctuation that it takes me five minutes to decipher before I can respond.

No, I don’t expect perfect grammar, full sentences, and flawless spelling. But I do expect something that I can immediately read and understand. Something that assures me I’m dealing with an intelligent, articulate adult and not some prepubescent kid trying to hook a date using photos of his dad.

More?

That’s my list — so far. I’d love to get feedback from women and men sharing their pet peeves from dating sites. What do you think? Have anything to add?

To the guys reading this who are guilty of one or more of these offenses, please don’t think I’m attacking you as a person. I’m not. I’m just pointing out what I’ve seen and experienced and what my opinions are.

And before you comment to bash me about my opinions, read the Site Comment Policy. And then think about what you were going to say. If you’re guilty of these things and are taking offense, lighten up and rethink this post in the spirit in which it was intended: as constructive criticism. If you’re not doing as well as you’d like on dating sites, maybe you can use some of these points as tips to improve your profile and message communication. If so, please do stop back here and let me know how it helps.

I also want to point out that I would never blog anything negative or embarrassing about a specific, identifiable person I met online or dated. We’re all in the same boat — well, sort of. And I’m not one to rock boats when I’m a passenger.

On Luck

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Does it even exist?

“You’re so lucky that you can work at home.”

“You’re so lucky that you can fly for a living.”

“You’re so lucky you can live in such a beautiful place.”

These are things I’ve heard multiple times from people I’ve met in my day-to-day life. They all seem to think that luck plays a major role in my life and lifestyle.

I can’t tell you how much it bothers me when people tell me this. Luck has nothing to do with it.

In my mind, luck is something that comes into play when you win a lottery. That’s pure luck. After all, no skill is required; nothing you can do — other than buy a lottery ticket — can change the odds of winning.

I’ve tried, in the past, to explain this to people without sounding rude. My problem, I guess, is that because I’m a writer I take words very literally. And I really can’t help feeling offended when someone attributes various benefits of my hard work to “luck.”

This past summer, my good friend Cheryl shared something her father used to say:

There’s no such thing as magical “luck.” It’s when preparation meets opportunity.

I’ll take that a step farther. The benefits often attributed to luck happen when opportunity is recognized and acted upon.

So preparation leads to opportunity which leads to benefits.

An Example: My Writing Career

Let’s look at my “luck” in becoming a freelance writer.

Dreams don’t work unless you do.

I prepared by learning to write, which I did by being an avid reader and practicing writing for many years. I saw opportunities: the first being to write an article for a professional organization. Despite the lack of monetary compensation, I took advantage of the opportunity and got my first published clip. That, in turn, was part of my preparation to move forward as a writer.

As opportunities presented themselves, I seized them, kind of like a relay racer seizes the baton and runs with it to hand it off to the next person in the race — or take it over the finish line. Step-by-step, opportunity-by-opportunity, I climbed the ladder of success in a writing career. The benefits — advances, royalties, a smattering of fame, and the flexible lifestyle I’ve enjoyed for the past 23 years — were the rewards of this preparation-opportunity chain.

The preparation was my effort to move forward. Preparing book proposals, contacting editors and publishers, learning new software, spending money on computers and other equipment I needed to get the job done. Seizing the opportunities meant getting the work done as needed by the people who hired me within the time limits they specified.

I don’t see much “luck” here, do you?

Another Example: My Flying Career

Although I never intended to fly for a living, I did prepare for such a career by simply learning to fly. It was a lot of work and even more expense. There’s no luck involved in becoming a pilot.

When I realized that I liked to fly and needed to do it for money to keep doing it at all, I began preparing for a career as a pilot. More training, another certificate, more expense. Practice, practice, practice. Time-building. Applying for a job to get more varied experience. Working that job to meet my employer’s needs.

Buying a larger helicopter. Working with the FAA to get Part 135 certification. Advertising, marketing. Answering the phone and learning which jobs would move me forward. Being open to weird suggestions — like spending the summer in Washington state to hover over cherry trees after it rains. Expanding on that seized opportunity to grow my client base.

Do you see any “luck” here?

You Make Your Own Luck

Your life is a result of the choices you make.
If you don’t like your life, it’s time to start making better choices.

I’ve often heard wise people say, “You make your own luck.” This is what these people are talking about: preparation and seizing the resulting opportunities.

There’s no reward without risk. That’s something I’ve learned.

My writing career never would have gotten off the ground if I didn’t take the risk of leaving my full-time job in corporate America to write a 4-1/2 day course about using computers for auditing. And I never would have gone beyond that first big project if I hadn’t worked hard to prepare for other opportunities.

My flying career never would have taken off (pun intended) if I didn’t take the risk of spending all that money on flight training or spending even more money on a helicopter that would help me prepare for opportunities. Or take the risk of leaving my home for a few months each summer to seize an opportunity that made my business thrive.

The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.

Too many people don’t understand this. Too many people seem to think that they can achieve success through luck or wishful thinking. It doesn’t happen. And then, when they don’t move forward in the direction they want to go, they make excuses for why they don’t. Bad luck.

Bullshit.

You are in charge of your destiny.

A smart man once told me that if you want something in life you need to make it happen. That man’s gone now, dead and buried. But even today, his words are the ones that drive me to move forward in my life.

What’s driving you?