Category Archives: Days in My Life

I don’t just sit around and watch TV.

Communication Breakdown, Part II

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How could he not understand?

I wrote a a post back in September about a breakdown in communication between two people who had been living together for a long time and the breakup and heartbreak it caused. Obviously, the story was not as hypothetical as it was written. Twenty nine years is a long time. I still can’t understand how he could throw it all away — especially when things were finally getting good again.

I think he tried to communicate with me today. How? Well, we had to swap trucks. Despite the fact that he told me I could keep his truck in the divorce settlement — both verbally and in writing — he changed his mind. I fetched the truck from Washington a while back. Although my lawyer offered him the keys, he ignored that and took his demand to the court. (I did mention that he had a problem with communication, no?) The result was a truck swap this afternoon. He got his Chevy back and I got my Ford back. Whatever.

I didn’t notice his attempt at communication until I got home. I was taking my things out of the truck and noticed some papers folded up under the center console. I opened them up and found an odd collection of email messages from me, as well as a tweet I wrote to @MikeTRose yesterday in response to one of his replies to me:

The emails may have been his attempt to explain why he hated me. That’s the way I saw it. But when I read the emails, I could see no reason to hate. All I could see was my attempt to communicate the level of frustration I was feeling from his actions. I loved him but he was driving me nuts.

It seems that every time I pointed out a problem with our relationship, he took it personally and just sulked about it. He kept all those old emails and printed them out and left them in my truck when we swapped trucks today. Who keeps emails from four years ago? Why the hell didn’t he just talk it out with me then? This is what I don’t understand.

We had such a freaking good life together — an enviable life. He was — note the use of past tense — a great partner. What the hell happened to him? When did he forget that life is for living?

For example, back in 2008, when I was doing helicopter tours at Lake Powell (making really good money, I might add), he scheduled a trip back to New York to visit his family. Not only did we have a dog back home that needed to be cared for, but his aged horse had become seriously ill. He expected me to drop everything and return early to watch the dog and care for the horse. My email response summarized why I thought he was being unreasonable. After all, couldn’t he have scheduled that trip for another time? I’d be home in a week or two anyway.

Is that worth hating me for? I don’t think so.

(He wound up leaving anyway. Our neighbor was present when the vet put his horse down. I came back from Lake Powell for a few days to take care of things at home. But I don’t get any credit for any of that.)

In another message, which also showed part of what I was replying to, we both lamented about feeling alone while I was away, working in Washington. Yet for years, he’d spent a full week (or more) every single month in New Jersey, leaving me in Arizona to care for the house, dog, horses, and chickens. Add that up and you get three months a year — about the same amount of time I spent in Washington that year. Later, he spent four days every week living in his condo in Phoenix — that’s more than half of his time — when I was home in Wickenburg. Yet back in 2010, he apparently expected me to sacrifice the business I was building to keep him company. I complained that I wasn’t interested in staying home to watch the animals and cook his meals, just to be rewarded with an evening of television every night.

Is that worth hating me for? I don’t think so.

The rest of the messages were in the same vein. I was working hard away from home, building my business — a business he promised to join me in. I spent a ton of money buying an RV that was big enough to house him, me, and our dog when he turned 55 (last year) and hit the road with me for half the year. I built up my cherry drying contracts and brainstormed for ways we could work together to make money. He even got his helicopter rating so he could ferry the aircraft while I drove the trailer when we were in transit.

But when the time came, he made excuses not to join me. I waited, hoping he’d change his mind. Instead, he waited for me to leave this summer, got a membership on Chemistry.com, and was sleeping with another woman a month later.

Yes, I trusted a man who let me down, cheated on me, and then lied to me. Yes, I’m a chump. Hell, I trusted him. Wouldn’t you trust someone you’d lived with for 29 years?

Is that worth hating me for? I don’t think so.

But what I still don’t understand is why he thinks he should hate me for wanting a better life for both of us. For working hard to make it happen.

And I can’t understand how he could give up on us — especially after asking me to see a marriage counsellor to help patch things up — when we were on the verge of getting everything right again. He finally had his dream job with travel for two of us and a work-from-home schedule. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel he’d been in with a long string of unsatisfying jobs. I could see blue skies and smooth air ahead.

But I guess he didn’t want the woman he’d spent more than half of his life with. The woman who’d taken care of him and made a home for him all those years. The woman who had introduced him to motorcycling, horseback riding, flying. The woman who shared her things with him — horses, trailers, jet skis. I guess it was time to dump the woman who spoke out when she wasn’t happy in favor of the first new woman who slept with him and agreed with everything he said.

Yes, baby. Whatever you want.

That’s not me. And the man who wants that is not a man I want to live with.

I just wish he’d been more of a man when he ended our relationship. A real man would have done it in person, before he started sleeping around. This man is a lying, cheating coward who can’t even talk to me, face to face, when he’s alone with me in person. Instead, he leaves old email messages hidden away in my truck for me to find and read when he’s not around.

And who hates me for reasons I still don’t understand.

What Happened to This Guy?

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Going through old papers, I find a reminder of the man I loved.

I’m clearing out old papers and stumbled upon this cutout card, made from a red and pink file folder. Here’s the outside, which was folded in half:

Card Outside

Inside looks like this:

Card Inside

In case you can’t read it, it says:

Hi Honey,

Not a bad cutout for a 42 year old. Maybe I should not mention my age because you are only 5 years behind. I wish we could be together on your birthday. I a sad because we are not.

Happy Birthday any way!

We have spent alot of years together. It is very strange to me not being together for such a long time and I miss you!

I hope you go out with Diane(a) for dinner. Don’t spend the whole day working. take some time off and have dinner or something. Maybe a horseback ride.

I have felt incomplete without my better half around. Enjoy your day! Keep up the good work. I miss you!

Love Mike

P.S. I have other birthday presents for you here. Look forward to them.

My birthday is at the end of June. He was 42 in 1998. That would make it right after we moved to our Wickenburg house. In those days, he telecommuted to a job in New Jersey and made a monthly week-long trip back there. He had an apartment in Totowa, NJ that he stayed in when he was there. Judging from what he’s written, he may have been away for longer than just the usual week. At that point, we’d been together for about 15 years.

Diana was a friend of mine who introduced me to horseback riding. I may have had my own horse by then, but I’m not sure. I probably still rode with Diana at her place.

What a sweet note.

I’m surprised that I didn’t cry when I found it or when I read it. I think it’s a sign that I’m getting over my loss.

I sure do miss the guy who sent me this. I wish he was still around.

Ironically, this was in a bundle of miscellaneous paperwork that the angry old man who took his place tied up with string and left on the floor in my office. I wonder if he would have thrown it away it if he’d seen it. I guess I should be glad it never made it to the hangar with so many other bundles and boxes of paper — if it had, it would have been destroyed forever by the flood that got the rest. I may never know what other remembrances were lost.

Hiking with Strangers

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Again.

Now that I’m back in shape, I’m very interested in staying in shape. That means exercise.

I tried the gym in Wickenburg, but soon got tired of waiting for the seniors using the equipment to stop resting on the equipment when I was trying to go through my workout routine. I’ve got some weights at the house and I use them pretty regularly now to build back muscle tone, especially in my upper arms.

For other exercise, however, I’ll stick to the thing I like best: hiking.

Recent Hikes

If you’ve been following this blog, you know that I’ve gone out of my way to find people to hike with. These folks start out as perfect strangers, but if I hike with them repeatedly, they become friends. So I basically kill two birds with one stone: I get exercise doing something I like to do and I make new friends.

(I should mention here that losing my husband has made all this possible. With him around, I didn’t do much of anything outdoors — and I certainly didn’t have any opportunities to meet new people. He’s not interested in expanding his horizons. He’s just interested in staying in his cocoon with the people he’s comfortable with. That means about six friends for dining out and going to the occasional ball game. That “social life” was the absolute pits for me. I’m so glad I’m able to do so much better without him.)

At West Fork Hike
Two of my friends from the Phoenix Atheist Meetup Group on the West Fork hike. The primary focus of the hike was to enjoy the fall colors.

The first group I started hiking with was the Phoenix Atheist Meetup Group. This is a huge group of people with many activities every week. But a subset of the group does weekly hikes — usually on Sunday mornings when other folks are at church. I’ve been on three hikes with them so far: Grapevine Canyon (Mayer), Soldier Pass (Sedona), and West Fork (Sedona). They are a great group of people and I really enjoy their company. I’ll be doing another hike with them in a week or so out in the Superstition Mountains.

I also hiked with another Meetup group, the Arizona Sierra Club Singles. Their hike was close to home for me: Vulture Peak. I didn’t blog about it, mostly because I didn’t have much to say that was positive. The group was small, they started the hike too late in the day — after 9 AM — so it was brutally hot on the return trip, and they weren’t very friendly. Indeed, each person seemed interested in hiking alone or with just one other person. No one waited for anyone else, no one seemed to care whether the last person was having trouble keeping up. I made the hike to the saddle quicker than I had ever done before, then made the tedious climb to the top of the peak to join the four or five other people up there. No one seemed to care whether I fell to my death in the hand-over-hand climbing part that really is dangerous. And when I got up there, triumphant, exhausted, and sweating like a pig, they were all ready to come back down. Not wanting to be left up there alone, I hurried after them, spending less than five minutes on the peak. Needless to say, I probably won’t be hiking with them again. I just wasn’t impressed.

It’s interesting to me how two groups of people can be so different. The Sierra Club members, who supposedly care about the environment, etc, were all caught up in their own little worlds, completely unfriendly and mostly uncaring about newcomers. The Atheists, who are frowned upon by god-fearing Christians who consider them immoral and perhaps evil, were friendly and caring, eager to make me feel welcome, even on my first hike with them. Whodathunkit? So much for stereotypes.

Hiking with the Around the Bend Friends

When I mentioned on Facebook that I’d be spending a few days in Las Vegas for business and was interested in doing a hike while I was there, one of my Facebook friends suggested the Around the Bend Friends hiking group. I followed the link and found a simple Website that showed pictures from recent hikes and a calendar of upcoming hikes. I was amazed to see that these people had a hike schedule almost every single day. When I got to Las Vegas and realized my Saturday morning was wide open, I checked the site again, found two hikes scheduled for that morning, and joined the group for the shorter of the two: Pine Creek in Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area. From the hike description:

The leisurely Saturday hike leading off the month will involve another partial loop route, but it will be somewhat shorter at 3 miles. After passing the Wilson homestead foundation, the trail crosses the creek just after the start of the Arnight Trail, then branches off heading upstream along the creek toward the base of Mescalito Peak. One more crossing of the creek to the north bank involves some very minor scrambling. Overall, the hike is rated easy to moderate and gains between 100 and 200 feet of elevation. The group will meet at Best Buy for an 8:30 AM departure.

I met the group as scheduled in the Best Buy parking lot on the west end of Charleston Boulevard. I was among the first to arrive. I signed in as a guest and chatted with the hike leader, Rick, before dashing across the street to get a cup of coffee at Burger King. (Don’t ask.) At 8:30 sharp, Rick did a brief introduction to the hike and the 16 people who had gathered climbed into cars and headed out to Red Rock Canyon park.

Pine Creek Trailhead View
A waning gibbous moon is setting behind the mountains in this view from the Pine Creek trailhead.

I drove alone, top down, enjoying the cool morning air. It was less than 10 miles to the park entrance and then another 10 miles to the trailhead. The road wound through the desert, past amazing red rock formations and parking areas for overlooks and trailheads. At the Pine Creek parking areas, I took the first parking spot I could find and climbed out to join the group at the trailhead.

The Around the Bend Friends bill themselves as “a group of young-at-heart people age 50 and over who participate in outdoor activities in the areas and states surrounding Las Vegas.” That’s a good description. At 51, I was one of the youngest in attendance. But these weren’t old folk like those catching their breath on the exercise equipment at Wickenburg’s gym. These people were active and physically fit. And, as we headed down the trail, it was clear that they were light on their feet and well able to scramble around and over the rocks in our path. Yes, they were older folks. But I know plenty of young people that wouldn’t be able to keep up with them.

The terrain was rugged, with more rock formations and lots of almost salmon colored sand under foot. The trail wound through the desert, passing the ruins of an old homestead before descending down to a spring-fed creek. There were plenty of photo opportunities that included not only trees turning yellow for autumn, but views of the distinctive Mescalito Peak.

Autumn Colors Along Pine Creek
Autumn colors along the Pine Creek Trail.

Mescalito PeakMescalito Peak from the Wilson homestead ruins.

We crossed the creek by hopping from rock to rock, then followed the narrow trail that snaked along the other side in the shade. I was surprised at the vegetation: a mix of manzanita and the biggest holly bushes I’d ever seen, along with cacti and other native plants. Because of the relative moisture in the area, the plants grew large and close to the trail. There was a lot of scrambling around rocks and bushes along the way.

The pace was moderate — not too slow to be boring, but not too fast to leave people behind. Rick was in charge of making sure we all stayed together and he led the group accordingly. Although we did stretch out several times, he paused to make sure we’d all gathered together before going on again. It was nice to see someone taking responsibility for the hike. (The Atheist group uses handheld radios for the same purpose, mostly because of the wide range of hiking skills among members of the group.)

My Fellow Hikers
My fellow hikers.

Rock wall with climbers

Climbers

Climbers

The rock wall where we saw the climbers. The insets are blown up from the original image; not clear but clear enough to see the climbers.

Back on the creek bed, where the trail began its return loop, we stopped for a rest in the shade. We’d been hiking about an hour. We chatted among ourselves while munching energy bars and pieces of fruit and sipping water. It was about 10 AM and it was cool in the shade. One of the members looked up at the rock wall we could see between the trees and spotted climbers. We counted four of them; we met others on their way to the rock wall on our return hike.

Once we’d rested for a while, we continued the hike’s loop trail, returning along the base of the rock wall in the sun. Although I’d started the hike with a sweatshirt on, I soon stripped it off. The sun was strong, but not yet overpowering. I really felt its heat on my black jeans. If the hike had been later in the day, I probably would have roasted. (But then again, I probably would have worn shorts.)

I handled the climb back up to the trailhead admirably. In my fat days, I would have needed at least three rest stops along the way. But with 45 pounds less weight to lug around, I didn’t even get winded on the way up. I was left again to wonder why the hell it took me so long to get that extra weight off — and why other people don’t do the same.

Rick passed around the sign in sheet for each of us to sign out. It was after 11 AM; I had four hours to kill before my afternoon meeting. I climbed back into the car, put the top down, and headed back to the city.

Hiking with Strangers

Would I hike with the Around the Bend Friends again? You bet!

With resources like Meetup to find hiking groups and other groups like the Around the Bend Friends out there, it’s easy to get out for a hike with others. Even if they start out as strangers, they can soon be friends.

Dinner and a Movie

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My last date — and an idea for my next one?

Way back in 1982 or 1983, I went on a date with a man I met at a bar. I was 21 or 22 at the time and I’m pretty sure I was at the bar with some college friends. In fact, I think my previous boyfriend was among those gathered for drinks. I can’t remember how we got to talking, but I suspect he was a friend of one of my friends. I can’t remember anything we talked about, but when he asked me out for a date, I said yes.

My Last Date

The date was dinner and a movie — and for the life of me, I can’t remember which we did first. It must have been dinner, right?

Dinner was at a place called Coco’s. It was (or is?) a restaurant chain in the New York area. I was living in Hempstead, Long Island at the time, in my first apartment. Coco’s was in Hempstead, but on the “nice” side of town. (Not sure if there is a nice side of Hempstead these days.)

I don’t remember what we ate, but I assume it was standard chain restaurant fare. I do remember the conversation, though. It was dominated by my date, who spent most of the time talking about his ex-wife, his religious beliefs, and the kind of furniture he liked. I felt as if it were a job interview for his next wife, where he was running through the qualifications for the position and telling me what to expect. The entire dinnertime conversation was a complete turn-off. The furniture bothered me most: do people still have Colonial American furniture?

So I wasn’t very optimistic about the rest of the evening.

Blade Runner Movie PosterThe movie was Blade Runner, the classic science fiction movie directed by Ridley Scott and starring Harrison Ford. I absolutely loved this movie — and today, it remains one of my favorites of all time. I loved the complex story, I loved the visualizations and style, I loved the characters, I loved the violence. I came out of the movie feeling good, ready to see it a second time.

My date, however, hated it. Absolutely hated it.

That’s when I knew there was a mismatch.

He drove me home and I let him walk me up to my apartment. But I did not invite him in. I think there was a G-rated kiss on the doorstep before I went inside.

He called me the next day to ask me out for a second date. That kind of amazed me. He was apparently either desperate to make it work or completely out of touch with reality. I set him straight. I told him I didn’t think we were a good match.

He tried one more time a few weeks later, leaving a message on my machine. I didn’t return his call.

(And in case you’re wondering, my soon-to-be ex-husband and I didn’t really date. We just started doing things together and didn’t really stop — until this year.)

My Next Date?

I think dinner and a movie is a great idea for a first date. Dinner gives you a chance to see what kinds of restaurants and foods you both like. It gives you an opportunity to discuss the things you both think are worth discussing. It gives you both food for thought for the rest of the evening and beyond.

The movie, of course, gives you an opportunity to share the experience of third-party content. Rather than both of you talking about what you want, the movie offers fresh input from someone else. How you both react to it can help you understand how alike — or different — you are. I know that if I hated a movie and my companion loved it, there could be a problem. But even a discussion of the movie can help bring out similarities and differences in the way you think.

Skyfall movie posterIf I got to plan my next date, it would be dinner at an independent (not chain) restaurant that offered healthy choices (like salads or grilled meats/fish) followed by an action/adventure flick like the new James Bond movie, Skyfall — maybe in IMAX.

The hard part, apparently, is to find someone who agrees that might be a pleasant way to spend an evening.

A Dinner Out with Friends

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A perfect evening out.

Last week, I made reservations at a local guest ranch, Rancho de los Caballeros, for dinner. It was one of their pre-season “practice” nights, where the fixed-price three-course dinners are half price. That puts them well within my budget and the budget of most of my local friends. Not yet knowing who I was going to invite and how many people would join me, I booked a table for six. I then spent the week thinking about who to invite and asking them to join me.

I wound up with five friends — two couples and another single person like me. The two couples did not know each other and one couple didn’t know my single friend. I was actually the only one at the table who knew everyone.

And I was thrilled to see magic happen.

We met at the bar for a round of drinks. Gathered around a small table in the corner, seated on comfy bench seats and chairs, my guests got to know each other. Conversation never lagged. They soon found things in common — three of us are pilots, two were teachers, three were parents, two were doctors, several had lived in the same state.

We shifted to the dining room and sat at a long table with me at one end and my single friend at the other. The conversations continued. We talked about everything: flying, airplanes, airlines, travel, teaching, dentistry, plastic surgery, hormone replacement therapy, diet, restaurants, Washington, Michigan, Wickenburg, local neighborhoods and homes — the conversations flowed from one topic to the next with no serious disagreements or uncomfortable moments. True, we didn’t talk politics — how refreshing! — or religion or anything else controversial. We didn’t even talk much about my divorce-in-progress.

The food was good, the wine was great, the company was spectacular. Before the end of dessert, my friends were exchanging cards and phone numbers, offers to go flying together, offers to meet and talk more about certain topics of interest.

And that was the magic: introducing friends to each other and watching relationships take root and begin to grow. I planted seeds last night; even when Wickenburg is in my rear-view mirror for the last time, the seeds I planted will continue to grow.

I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed an evening out with friends as much as I enjoyed last night. Mature, intelligent conversation without whining, complaining, or petty nonsense. I guess that’s what happens when you go out with “grownups.”

Why am I blogging this? Mostly because I want to remember this night out. Years from now, when I look back in my blog at the posts I wrote during this difficult time in my life, I want to remember the good times, too — the good times I had with supportive friends.