From my friend, Tom.

I got these from Tom a while back. Not sure where he got them from, but I think they’ve been around a while because some of them are a bit familiar. In any case, I thought they’d be nice to share online.

PC Warning! Some of these are slightly politically incorrect. If you’re easily offended, stop reading now.

• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
• If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
• Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?