Going through old papers, I find a reminder of the man I loved.
I’m clearing out old papers and stumbled upon this cutout card, made from a red and pink file folder. Here’s the outside, which was folded in half:
Inside looks like this:
In case you can’t read it, it says:
Hi Honey,
Not a bad cutout for a 42 year old. Maybe I should not mention my age because you are only 5 years behind. I wish we could be together on your birthday. I a sad because we are not.
Happy Birthday any way!
We have spent alot of years together. It is very strange to me not being together for such a long time and I miss you!
I hope you go out with Diane(a) for dinner. Don’t spend the whole day working. take some time off and have dinner or something. Maybe a horseback ride.
I have felt incomplete without my better half around. Enjoy your day! Keep up the good work. I miss you!
Love Mike
P.S. I have other birthday presents for you here. Look forward to them.
My birthday is at the end of June. He was 42 in 1998. That would make it right after we moved to our Wickenburg house. In those days, he telecommuted to a job in New Jersey and made a monthly week-long trip back there. He had an apartment in Totowa, NJ that he stayed in when he was there. Judging from what he’s written, he may have been away for longer than just the usual week. At that point, we’d been together for about 15 years.
Diana was a friend of mine who introduced me to horseback riding. I may have had my own horse by then, but I’m not sure. I probably still rode with Diana at her place.
What a sweet note.
I’m surprised that I didn’t cry when I found it or when I read it. I think it’s a sign that I’m getting over my loss.
I sure do miss the guy who sent me this. I wish he was still around.
Ironically, this was in a bundle of miscellaneous paperwork that the angry old man who took his place tied up with string and left on the floor in my office. I wonder if he would have thrown it away it if he’d seen it. I guess I should be glad it never made it to the hangar with so many other bundles and boxes of paper — if it had, it would have been destroyed forever by the flood that got the rest. I may never know what other remembrances were lost.
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Sad. I wish you didn’t have to do this. I hope it ends up being cathartic, in a positive way.
Every time I explore the past and the pain I’m suffering from what’s happened, I feel a little better. Finding this card was a breakthrough for me. It was the first time I held evidence of the good times in our relationship in my hands and didn’t cry. Later in the day, I was able to go through some old photos without tearing up. I do believe I’m recovering from the grief of my loss. I’ll be discussing this with my counselor in detail tomorrow.
Understanding that the man who sent me this card is as good as dead to me really helps. I’ll never see him again; in my mind, I imagine that he’s been killed in some sort of accident or gone missing. I’m a widow. The other guy who looks like him is a stranger — an angry old man who, for some reason I can’t understand, has it in for me. My lawyers and the court will deal with him while I work through my grief from losing my real husband.
Maria, it will be a long and difficult process, no two ways about it — I have seen it many times both professionally and personally with friends of ours. My advice is to see it for what it is—growth. By reading your recent posts and knowing what I know about you, you are a much happier, healthier and better person today and your life seems to have a lot of good, no – great — things in store for you in the future. None of that may have happened if not for that man, both the one you miss and the one that you don’t know anymore. Growth can sometimes bring growing pains, but you will be so much better for it all in the long run. Glad to see that you are dealing with it all in a healthy light.
So many people have been telling me some version of what you’ve said here. I know you’re all right. As I’ve blogged within the past few months, just being free of the lead weight he’d put on my back (figuratively, of course) has done wonders for my self-esteem. Although I went on my diet in June — partially for him — before all the shit hit the fan in my life, losing all that weight has made me feel younger, healthier, and just plain better about myself. It would have been wasted if I’d come home to more of his oppressive, non-communicative crap and guilt trips. Now I’m free to live my own life without having to deal with him. I’ve met dozens of new people in the past two months, spent more time out and about than I have in years, and see a great future in my new home in a place where my business can finally thrive.
It’s true: I miss the guy who sent the card. But he’s been gone a long time now, fallen into the sorry rut he’d dug for himself. I wish I’d realized it sooner and cut the cord then. Truth is, I felt sorry for him and hoped he’d find his way out of that rut. I guess I had too much confidence in him. My mistake.